Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Brother In Law --- :(
My future husband and I have been living together for 16 months now, his (twin) brother moved in with us so he could attend school. Our wedding is in September of next year, and my brother in law still thinks that we will all be living together after we get married. At the moment he is living off of $800, $500 goes to rent and $200 goes to food, which BTW is completely unreasonable since he eats all the food in the house. He also owes us at least $500. My future husband and I are students as well, but we both work 40 hours a week, while trying to pay off student loans. I feel like my brother in law is a burden, and when I mention him moving out, he gets mad, and says things like "you're going to throw me out?" I know I'm not in the wrong here, but I am very worried that he is going to be living with us after we are married and that to me is completely unacceptable. Right? He doesn't have a job, he barely even goes to class. he's just pathetic. I think I just need to hear that I'm not in the wrong in wanting him to move out before we get married.
Re: Brother In Law --- :(
What does your fiance say when you bring this up? Seeing as how it's his brother, it's his job to tell him that once you guys are married, he'll need to find somewhere else to live.
If your FI isn't on the same page as you, you're fighting an uphill battle. You and FI need to have a talk and decide what you are going to tell future BIL.
And you are absolutely not in the wrong for not wanting a room mate as a newlywed. That's an important time in your life, you don't need the stress of a free-loading room mate, even if he is family.
but I am very worried that he is going to be living with us after we are married and that to me is completely unacceptable.
I agree it is completely unacceptable, but I'm not the one you need to convince. The one who needs to agree with you is your FI, and the fact you're worried that your FBIL will still be living with suggests you think your FI is ok with the arrangement.
What does your FI think? If you're both on the same page, then he needs to deal with his brother and give him a move out date and stick to it.
If FI is ok with it, then you need to hash it out with him not the brother.
All I heard was HIM meaning bil and I meaning you....the most important part of the equation is missing....you BF~ It sounds like oyur bf is fine with the lving situation, and doesnt see any need for it to stop since HE is notthe one giving his brother warning. The 2 of you are not on the same page obviously or this wouldnt be an issue.
You need to sit his a$$ down and lay it out for him. HE needs to be the one "throwing" him out!
I think you are completely right, but it doesn't really matter. In this scenario, the bottom line is what you think but also what does your fianc? think? It is his brother. He doesn't get more influence on what happens than you but since it is his brother I feel that the responsibility is on him, once you are both in agreement about what to do, to communicate it with his brother.
When your BIL says things about you kicking him out, is your Fi there? Does he say anything?
I don't think I will ever truly understand why people think it's ok to move in with and freeload off their siblings (or other family members). My sib ILs always lived with each other at one time or another and I had to make sure my H knew that I was not ok with his siblings and their spouses staying with us.
Your FBIL needs to get a job and find his own place; preferably ASAP and definitely before your wedding....but your FI should be the one to tell him this, not you. When it comes to dealing with family, it's the blood relative that's supposed to be responsible for breaking the news, not the in-law. H always said "I'll deal with my family and you deal with your family and friends."
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You need to have a conversation with your fiance about his expectations. Also, he needs to have a conversation with his brother about his responsibilities while living with the two of you.
My now BIL lived with us for 6 months while we were engaged and never paid a bill, rent or bought food. I resent him so much now because, like you, I have never "free-loaded" off of anybody and was sickened that he would sit at our house, collect un-employment and never once offered to clean or do the dishes. It was despicable.
Bottom line is there needs to be better communication between you and your fiance and between the two of you and BIL before this gets even more out of hand than it already is.
BEST WISHES!
Is your BIL on the lease?
If not, then I would tell your BF that you're really not cool with the living situation and that his brother needs to move. I think part of the reason this bothers you might be b/c you are working and going to class and BIL isn't - but it doesn't matter WHY. You just aren't happy living with him.
If your BIL is on the lease, then just don't renew with him when the lease is up. Move locations if you have to so that it's an "everybody out" situation. Don't allow BIL to move in with you.
I would not wait until the wedding. What are you going to do once all of the deposits have been paid, your friends have flown in from OOT, the wedding is in two days, and BILs cr*p is still all over the house, and in "his room"?
ditto - what does your FI think?
this is the most important piece of the sitch and you have left it out!
It seems like you are in a sticky situation. Has your FBIL ever mentioned when he would be moving out or, when he moved in did you tell him that this was only a temporary arrangement. At this point I would recommend getting on the same page as your FI and have him (FI) deal with your FBIL. Good luck I hope things work out.
I am in the same boat as you, except I am already married. My H and I got married almost 4 months ago and his brother moved in the very end of September. I was really worried that it was going to be a big burden on us, but he practically lives in the other part of the house (the basement), and we hardly see him. We haven't had any problems with this living situation, but my H's father is working on building more things in our home and is over weeks at a time with no break from him. It has been very hard for me to handle, as I am an only child, and now I am basically living with 3 men, and my B-I-L feeds off of my F-I-L and its driving me absolutely crazy!!!
To make a long story short, my advice for you is to tell him starting now that he is living in your home and he needs to obey by you and your fiances rules, and he needs to start looking for another place as soon as possible. This lets him know that you mean business. Even though you most likely won't "kick him to the curb" once you are married, make him think that you will. You must be stern with him and let him know you mean business. If not, he will never get the message that you want time alone with you and your future husband, and he will be living with you for a lot longer than you want. Just scare him a little. You are not responsible for his actions. If he is old enough to live with you and your fiance, he is old enough to know his own responsibilities. Scare him a little. What is the worst that could happen? The last thing you want to happen is having him getting too comfortable with the current living situations and never leave.
Good luck!