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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
completely controversial poll re: birth defects
this assumes that you make no more money that you do today and all other circumstances remain the same (job, marriage, etc).[Poll]
Re: completely controversial poll re: birth defects
I am pregnant right now and we have opted out of the early testing for defects for this very reason. I am not a super religious person but I figure that if it happens then God has a reason for it.
One note: I would consider termination IF(and only if) multiple Drs told me that my child would suffer tremendously due to said defect. But it would still take ALOT of soul searching.
So far I am the only heathen that votes for abortion. For what it's worth, I read "severely disabled" as something much more severe than Down Syndrome or other disabilities that give the baby a chance at a full, happy life.
My mother has worked for 30 years as an administrator for a home for severely mentally and physically disabled adults. We visit frequently, and I grew up seeing what kind of life many of these people have.
It's one thing to take care of a severely disabled child, but some of these adults were large, physically abusive people with chronic pain who could not even do basic functions for themselves. Their families could not take care of them properly even if they wanted to. And the people were forced to live in a care facility where they do their best to take care of them, but is not the kind of life I would want for my child.
People might think it's not my right to judge what kind of life is worth living, but I think that is exactly the kind of decision that parents need to make. It's not easy and should not be taken lightly, but I am fairly certain that is the choice I would make faced with such a horrible situation.
ETA: I wrote that I was the only one who voted that before other votes added obviously!
Judging
Wow, hard question, but easy to answer. I could never terminate a pregnancy and I would not give my baby up for adoption just because he/she wasn't 'perfect'. I would accept the situation and believe God would not bless me with a child that I could not handle.
I feel the same way. I'd be extremely heartbroken about it, but I think I would make this decision as well.
Not taking a stand either way ... just sharing a story:
My SIL & husband found out that their second child had a genetic defect while she was pregnant. He has monosomy 18, where the 18th chromosome appears in each cell once instead of twice. They were told that the outcome and quality/length of life for their child was unknown. He could live just minutes or he could live to adulthood. He could be a functioning person with disabilities, or he could live in a continuous vegetative state. The doctor's didn't know what to predict, but the extent of the baby's health concerns could vary from bad to horrible. Part of the reason so little is known about this particular disorder is that most parents choose to terminate pregnancies when they learn of the problem, so very few children are born with this particular genetic disorder.
SIL & her H decided to continue with the pregnancy. This was their child, and they were not going to give up on him. They felt that they at least had to give him a chance at life. They had gone through some struggles to get pregnant with this baby, and they really wanted a second child, regardless of what complications came with him.
My nephew is now 4.5 years old and thriving. Yes, he has disabilities, but it could be so much worse. He is deaf and has cognitive disabilities similar to Down's Syndrome. He had to eat through a feeding tube for the first 4 years of his life and just started eating real food this summer. He has gone through 2 open heart surgeries. But that little boy is such a joy. Really. He is the cutest little bugger ever!
I can understand why some people may not be ready or willing to deal with a disabled child, and in the case of my nephew, it turned out to be so much better than the family thought it would. Everyone prepared for the worst possible case, but luckily, he is not the worst possible case. And because he's one of so few children with that particular condition, he is helping doctors learn more about it. His case is being documented very closely to help understand the disorder better.
I think my SIL & H took a big risk, but in their case, it turned out okay. It's a tough risk to take, given how dramatically it can change your life.
Mr. Sammy Dog
me also. and interestingly, i'll also say that i'm agnostic. i wonder if you'd find many believers in God that would vote abortion. probably not.
I honestly don't know.
I have seen first hand how difficult it is to raise a special needs child. My sister was pregnant with twins when at 6 months they were diagnosed with a potentially severe genetic disease. The doctors told her that in most similar cases, they would recommend abortion.
She had the babies and they were beautiful - but at three months old, they started having seizures and showing developmental delays. The weaker/more affected of the twins had two brain surgeries and died three years ago (at age 5) due to a massive seizure. The stronger of the twins is still living, is relatively healthy and happy, but severely developmentally delayed, severely autistic and requires constant supervision and assistance. He is almost 9 and only partially potty-trained and is essentially non-verbal (although he has been surprising us with the occassional word - which is amazing!).
No doubt, he is a treasure and a very loved child who has given us all so many gifts of understanding and patience (and wonderful hugs and smiles!) - but caring for him is tremendously stressful. Just this past Spring, he put his fist through two windows (2 separate ocassions) because he cannot control his behavior. He has unexplained fits of rage where he thrashes about and hits whatever is around - be it a wall, a sofa or his siblings/parents. It is heartbreaking to watch - you get the sense that he wants to communicate and tell you why his is upset, but he simply doesn't know how.
As a family we love him unconditionally and are grateful for his presence in our lives . . . but I know my sister must wonder and think back to the day when she and her husband found out and the doctor gave them options (I think she was right at the 6 month termination cut off for extreme cases). She must wonder how much easier her life would be if she had made a different decision - or how much pain she would have been saved herself and her family.
OR she might think about how much she has gained and learned and how she has been able to expose her other children to situations of compassion and understanding that most cannot comprehend.
My mother was a special ed teacher (hearing/speech impairments) so we grew up with children of all sorts of special needs. The son of a family friend had Down Syndrome and every day brought smiles to the faces of people who knew him. Another very close family friend has Cerebral Palsy and just got married this past Spring - and "danced" in his wheelchair with his mother at the reception. Probably the most beautiful and emotional wedding dance I've ever seen. Their lives were/are beautiful and treasured.
We grew up seeing all these various handicaps as presenting challenges, but not completely stopping an individual from fully engaging in life.
HOWEVER - even in my nephew's case, he is mobile, he can walk and run and laugh and interact a little. IF the diagnosis were one where the child would be essentially a vegetable in a bed - unable to move, communicate, express or do any other basic function - - - - then I don't know. Quality of life issues come into play and the question becomes much more complicated.
Yeah, it makes it the poll hard to read because how many people are voting "keep the baby" because they don't believe in abortion under any circumstance?
Judging
I'm on this team, unsurprisingly.
this is going to sound INCREDIBLY heartless and i'm aware that the answer would be "then don't have unprotected sex" BUT, for the sake of argument, what about the quality of life of the parents and other siblings of the disabled child?
yes, you should love and care for your child no matter what... but at what cost? i can see how a "healthy" sibling might miss out on a lot because the special needs sibling needs extra care or simply can't do things.
in an ideal world, the parents would take special care to make sure the healthy child has a "normal" life that is only enriched by the lessons learned by their special needs sibling. however, i would fear that often, the amount of energy it takes to care for that special needs child means that healthy siblings are given less attention and marriages are put on the back burner and thus, what about the quality of life for the husband, wife and other children?
I don't think it is heartless at all. I think it is incredibly logical and pragmatic. My sister HATES when people say "God wouldn't give you more than you can handle." She says that is absolute BS and there are days when she can't handle it. If God were all that concerned about what she could handle, he never would have given her special needs children (or taken one away after 5 beautiful years) because at some point for every parent - they can't handle it. Special needs or not. They curl up in a ball and cry, they resent their child/children and the opportunities missed. They wistfully think of the life they could have had. The normal experiences they'll never have - the family trips they cannot take. It is BS if someone tells you they have never thought of those things and never once regretted what they will never have.
My sister has admitted that sometimes she can't take it and there is a point where, if her son becomes too much of a danger to himself or his siblings/family, then he will have be to institutionalized. She isn't willing to sacrifice the security of her 3 other children just so she can be the perfect mother to one. That isn't realistic. It will be a heartbreaking decision to make and I'm sure it will come with doubts and regrets but there is only so much you can do to help one child before it starts hurting the others.
Yeah, super tough and deep question. I've not been pregnant, but first I think it's hard to know what you would do in any situation until you've been there. That said, I voted to keep the baby. I wouldn't abort, and I can't imagine giving up my own child for adoption given that I'm in a good marriage. If I was unmarried/unattached - then I think I would go the adoption route whether the child was healthy or not. But I guess I'm getting off track from the question now.
I'd abort. I know I'm not psychologically, emotionally, physically, or financially capable of caring for a special needs child.
I hope that I am NEVER faced with this issue, and it scares me as DH and I have the possibility of this being us in a few shorts weeks.
I would need to know all the facts before I could make the best decision for me, my DH, and the unborn child.
jack | born 9.13.12 at 40w4d | 9 lbs 12 oz | 23 in
my puppy loves - chloe & jenson
pregnancy blog | chart
I just can't answer the question. A year ago, I would have said abort without giving it more than a few minutes of thought. Now, with these kids growing inside of me for the past few months, I can only say "I don't know." I really have no idea what I would do. It just depends on so many factors.
If I have a kid at this point, it's because I choose to have a child. (Or something goes seriously wrong with our protection, I know it could theoretically happen) Any child. It's a non-issue for me, because I won't have the early tests and I won't abort.
My decision has nothing to do with God.
I don't think I could abort. I am pro-choice and believe women have the right to do what they want with their bodies but it is not a choice I would choose. If I chose to the have a child then I need to accept the responsibility of the child I am carrying.
I chose to have all the early screening tests so that if there was some sort of defect I could fully educate myself on the condition and be prepared in every way possible. To me nothing would be more terrifying then finding out the day I give birth that my child has a defect and one that could be costly, time consuming and emotionally draining.
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Mike and Kelly 10.01.10
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*M&M* Super Pitbulls
Not related to the post, but ohmigawdCUTE siggy picture. I
your pit bulls!
jack | born 9.13.12 at 40w4d | 9 lbs 12 oz | 23 in
my puppy loves - chloe & jenson
pregnancy blog | chart
awww thank you!!!
*M&M* Super Pitbulls
I believe in the christian god, I personally would not have an abortion but not because of religious reasons, for other personal reasons. I would also never tell another woman what to do with her own body or baby.