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telling mom we're expecting.
My mom goes back and forth from neediness and resentment all with severe anxiety mixed in. I moved pretty far from home 6 years ago, so we just do weekly phone calls and 2 visits a year. My anxiety is now almost under control, except for usual things like surgeries and first days at a new job. DH noticed before me that she makes me more anxious, almost intentionally so she isn't the only one. She has a lot of medical problems and is always searching for something for me to have wrong, so we can talk about it. I stopped telling her about dr. appts, my endoscopy. Her sister agreed that this was probably for the best too.
So, now we're expecting June 6. I know it's far away. DH told his mom, who lives in another country. Otherwise, I just have 2 close friends that know, so I can ask questions and I got an OBGYN recommendation. I know she'll be happy we're pregnant, and I want her to know. However, a pregnant lady does not need someone trying to find everything wrong with the pregnancy. I know she'll be worried as she lost her first right after birth and my brother is possibly disabled because of complications.
I already think I'm sending them "Grandma" and "Grandpa" onesies, so she has time to process it. I'm thinking the end of November 12 weeks, but will she be resentful that she's not told sooner. And then how to get not upset over all her worries. I'm pretty good at changing the subject, but can only take so much. I'm hoping, like at my wedding day, she'll really try to keep all of it under wraps, so she is able to share the experience. However, my wedding was a day and pregnancy is 9 more months and then we'll have the child for 18 years...
Re: telling mom we're expecting.
Much too early in the game to tell anyone you're expecting. Can't it wait until about Christmas?
You tell her when you are ready; who gives a fig if she is resentful? She sounds like hell on wheels; imo, perhaps it's best if you steer clear of her completely -- it's also not good for you, considering you already have an anxiety condition.
Congratulations on the pregnancy!
Here's the thing - you are not responsible for your mom's feelings. You really aren't. Whenever you decide is the right time to tell her is the right time. It's a personal choice, and has to be within your comfort zone. If she gets offended, oh well. She will get over it.
And whenever you feel that she is trying to probe and ask odd questions to find something wrong with the pregnancy, just keep it light and have a response ready, like: "Everything is going great with the pregnancy/baby, Mom. So, how are things with you?"
This way, you change the subject quickly, but you've reassured her that everything is okay. And if she decides to press and insist that this or that could be wrong, just repeat as necessary. "Everything is fine with the baby," or, "I'm okay, Mom. No worries!"
It sucks that you will have to limit how much detail you give her about aspects of the pregnancy, but at the same time, I think handling it that way will make the next several months a lot easier for you. Good Luck!
I didn't tell my mother till 20 weeks. Was she upset I waited too long? Who cares.
My daughter was born at 745 am. When did my mother find out? About 7pm. Was she upset? Who cares.
Do what is right for you, your H and your sanity. She'll get over it eventually. I've had a bunch of issues along the way and my mother doesn't know about any of them b/c I can't deal w/ her questions.
If you only see her twice a year, you can always pull the "I wanted to tell you in person" card.
BFP #2 10/29/08 ...stillborn via c/s @41w 7/20/09
missing my baby everyday
BFP #3 1/20/10 My angel's little sister Grace Madison was born September 8th 2010 @37w. We're so blessed! Thank you angel for getting her here safely.
BFP #4 12/30/11. Jackson Christopher 8/22/2012 via repeat c/s @ 37w 3d