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Very Long
Ok, I have a half sister, whom I have as long as I have had a relationship with her just called my sister. I didn't meet her until I was 4 years old and she was 11, from then on I was always told she was my half sister and we still didn't have a real relationship because she wasn't around. Dad gave up his rights to her when she was about 2 years old. When I started high school family members began saying things about how they didn't think she was every really his and that her mom was cheating on my dad. My dad claims that she isn't his because they weren't together when she got pregnant. Regardless from 4 years old until I was about 14 I was told she was in fact my half sister, there was no ifs ands or buts in this until then. When I got pregnant my sister and I finally had a chance to have a real relationship. And we have ever since.
Her mother has told me her side of things as my sister found out from a rude comment my aunt made at the funeral of an uncle who kept closely in touch with my sister her entire life. She told her she was not welcome there and that she was not a part of the family. I didn't hear her mother's side of things until I found out myself a few things about my father from my mother. First was that when she got pregnant with me he wanted her to have an abortion as "he was not ready for children". He worked second shift when I was a baby until my younger sister was born and I went to sitter during the day while mom worked. So I didn't really know him until my sister was born. He never really bothered much with me. I also found out that mom thought at one point he was sleeping around on her but she put a stop to that rather quickly she says.
My sister's mother tells it that she and my father were no longer together when she found out she was pregnant, but she had not been with any one else, and the timing was in fact correct. She says that after she was born and dad went in to the army they were engaged, ring and all, which she still has. Now this fact I do know he met my mother in the Army and he began dating her and married her November the year they met. Her mother says they were together still until he came home on leave in Decemeber of this same year and advised her he had married my mother.
She and I have not spoken in regards to this since that day, but we still speak. Recently my EH has decided he wants to give up his rights to our daughter who is 3 years old & wants my DH to adopt her. This is much the same scenario. (He is army, we got pregnant got married, he cheated, i divorced him and he remarried 4 days later to a woman who gave birth to his son a month before the divorce finalized). This has brought me to speak with my sister's mother on how to deal with this as she has been through this situation already. A comment was made in regards to how my sister and I both have felt rejected in a way by Dad. Its the truth and he knows this. But the rest of the conversation was strictly in regards to how I feel and how she felt in this situation and how my daughter will feel and how my sister felt in this situation.
The problem is that someone in my dad's family jumped up and ran to say that my sister's mother was talking sh*t about Dad. Frankly, this irritates me. The only thing said in regards to him was that we both in our own ways feel rejected so we'll both be able to find ways to help her cope and she can talk to us about it. Everything else was in total regard to my daughter's father who has the same name as Dad. But names were not used at all, I didn't feel it was appropriate to say names in front of my 3 year old DD or 3 year old SS. This person took things to the same aunt who told my sister she was not a part of the family and was not welcome at our uncle's funeral. She then took this to my mother who asked me about it. I told her the truth and that if someone had said something I felt was offensive I would have said something to them, but that people needed to mind their own business and stop trying to cause problems. At which point I was told that no one was trying to do anything of the sort. My response to this was that if this person didn't want to cause problems then they should have asked me about the conversation before they assumed anything and ran to talk about it. There was no reason except to cause problems for that matter to be taken out of the circle it was supposed to be kept in.
I find it very hurtful that people are using the situation with my EH and My DD to cause problems with my Dad and My Sister. Any advice?
Re: Very Long
I could not follow any of this.
WHY was there never a paternity test done?
How did they find out you were even talking to your sister's mother? Did someone hear the conversation or did you tell someone about it?
Honestly, though, people love to talk. This sounds like something they want to talk about and they will use any excuse to do so. I would ignore anything you hear second hand (My mom said that my aunt told her...) and if someone says something to you about it, tell them that even if she isn't your sister she is one of your good friends and you will not tolerate anyone starting trouble just so they can talk about it.
Etsy shop
You cannot control any one's actions; you can only control your reactions.
So people are talking about you or your sister's mother or you dad or whatever. Let them talk. Your life is none of their business.
If the gossiping is bothering you then walk up to the culprit, stare them in the eye, and with a kind smile tell them that you understand that they have taken a special interest in your life as the story goes through gossip that is being spread around. And we all know how tacky gossip is so while you appreciate their concern you just wanted to assure them that you are doing just fine, as is your sister and your sister's mother. Then shift the subject to the weather.
I found your story hard to read, but my understanding is that you are angry at your dad's family for spreading stories about your sister's mom (your dad's ex).
My question is - how did they find out? Did you tell them? Did your dad's ex tell them? Was someone else there? Your dad's family apparently loves drama - who hand-fed them this one?
I would tell your mom that your conversations with the ex are none of her business and not the business of anyone else in the house, either. And because it is not their concern, you are not going to discuss it with them. People will say "it's my business, because your dad is my...brother, son, husband...." - - but just because he is related to them doesn't mean your conversations need to be open to them. That is just them trying to butt into your life and control you. If they "hate" you for this and stop speaking to you, let them! Enjoy the freedom from them.
If your dad asks (and the story DOES involve him), I would tell him, but don't give him all the details. Just say that you are in a similar situation that she was in - raising a child when the relationship with the father was over. Don't tell him any more, but assure him (without giving ANY details) that you weren't "talking sh*t" about him. Tell him you are not going to discuss every detail of your conversation, but that you don't do that about him or anyone else.
Well, the obvious question is "So what?"
So what if somebody heard you say something about your father and his ex said something and so on. Who the hell cares if they are misrepresenting the facts of who said what? What's their credibility?
It's old news that they are assasinating this woman's character in some lame attempt to cover for their brother's actions. "She slept around" is as old as the bible and a convenient way to discredit a woman.
Two generations of women have children with biological fathers who walk out on them and the thing everyone wants to discuss is some comments that some ex may have said against your father?
Are you kidding me? You should be hopping MAD at your father's actions. It's clearly DEFENSIVENESS on their part. And bullsh!t that's been perpetuating for decades. Can't you see that?