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Should I feel guilty?
In January I posted asking for advice on having my sister move in with me to help get her out of a relationship that was sucking her dry and back on her feet.
She didn't get the guts (or the brains) to leave him until mid-June, but she was able to move in the day before DH and I went to Europe for two months which helped us out a great deal. We were very upfront with our expectations; we set a specific move out date, she and I went through boxes of her bills to figure our her debt and figure out how to repay everything, we had rules for chores and guests, and who would pay for groceries (DH and I had a mutual agreement to not accept any type of money from her to help expedite the process). Everything has gone so well, and I really want to thank you all for your suggestions.
So now... the move-out date is approaching. She has until the end of Oct. to relocate herself. She has been very proactive about looking for apartments and paying off her debts/saving for a deposit. She is nowhere near caught up financially... she's about halfway there, but was only able to pay off as much as she did because literally EVERY cent she made went to bills (except $50 a paycheck for gas, and car insurance once she was able to have her car legal again). She seems to be better with money and hasn't spent any money on herself since she moved in with us.
Seems like she'd succeed being sent off on her own, right? Except she just found out she's pregnant.
It would probably take her another year to break even... the baby is due in 7 months. She has just gotten to the point where she'd be able to afford a deposit on an apartment (assuming they approve the application) but now needs to save for non-FMLA (she just started the job 2 months ago) so she can keep up with her bills while she's recovering from delivery.
I know that we can't foster her for forever, but I feel so guilty for kicking her out right now while she's teetering on the brink. I want to set her up as well as possible so she'll be able to provide for her child, but my husband and I don't want to support her for forever. We've had no issues thus far, but having to support her is putting some stress on our relationship and bank accounts (we're coping well with both... it just requires more work and attention than normal).
Please tell me I'm doing the right thing by sticking to the original agreement? I don't want her to have to crash on the ex-boyfriend (and baby daddy ::sigh::)'s couch - nor does she, thank God. I just don't know what to do other than not deviate from the original plan despite her now being pregnant.
Re: Should I feel guilty?
Keep to the original move out date & do not feel guilty. You & your H have gone above and beyond to help her and it's time to stop. If you cave now & let her stay she will think that she can take advantage of you forever.
When you start to feel guilty remind yourself that there are so many things that she could have done differently- gotten a 2nd job, not had sex with the ex months after they broke up, used reliable birth control, terminated the pregnancy etc.
She's going to be a mom in a few months, it's time for her to learn to stand on her own feet before she has someone else to take care of.
Keep your agreement, and don't feel guilty for a minute. As the previous poster mentioned, she had many options.
If you want to help, you could offer to go with her to the Department of Human Services offices so she can sign up for WIC, Section 8 housing, etc. if she qualifies for any of those programs.
No, you shouldn't feel guilty.
You've done a LOT for her and have given her a huge boost. Be there for her emotionally, help her get social services if she needs them/qualifies for them, buy baby stuff for her, but respect her independence. Don't set her up to be dependent on you long-term.
The most important thing is that she learns to rely on herself. Have her move out, but don't stop helping her -- she's still your sister. You can do plenty of things so that she's not handling this entirely on her own. Invite her over for dinner once a week so you know she's getting a good, healthy meal at least that often.
Think of unique Christmas/Birthday gifts that you know she needs (for example, my little brother was having trouble making ends meet when he first started out on his own, so for Christmas I gave him a voucher I made saying I would pay his electric bill for a year. I know the money went somewhere that was needed because I paid it myself online, and he appreciated the help).
Good luck to both of you!
Etsy shop
What is her plan for affording to have the baby? What is her attitude?
I think the fact that she is still with the bf pretty much makes all your effort null. She is still making a lot of glaringly poor decisions, even if finances are no longer one of them. So I don't have a whole lot of sympathy for her.
If she cannot afford housing, she cannot possibly afford a baby. This is insane.
I second what amanjay said.
So true.
She's going to save as much as she can and keep plugging away at her debts. She's super excited about the baby and has dramatically changed some of her bad habits (binge drinking and occasional smoking). She's not with the ex-bf, they had a booty call, although I can see him trying to worm his way back in with her and I'm sure she'll probably succumb eventually. I'm trying to not have the attiture that the past 5 months were worthless because that would make me resent her if she did go back to him. Hopefully I taught her how to be a little better with money so she can break the cycle we've been living in since we were kids. It's so hard because we're so close; I only want the absolute best for her, even if she doesn't seem to think she's worthy or capable of achieving it.
Thank you for the help in building up my resolve. I don't ever want to be an enabler, and it's about time she figured out how to live with her own consequences. I'm going to spoil the heck out of my future niece/nephew and help where I can (I love the idea of paying the electric bill... although I'll probably help with daycare when I'm off work in the summer).
Again, thanks!
We've been looking at some apartments that are between $450-600. She is actually bringing home more per paycheck than I am, and is about $500/year over the limit for WIC from what I've seen online. Daycare will be the hardest part... she'll have to shop around to find one she can afford. She should be able to manage it with very little wiggle room month to month pre child-support (BD does have a stable job at this point in time).
A condom would've been cheaper AND easier...
You absolutely should not feel guilty. You have gone above and beyond in this situation. It sounds like if you continue to support her she would learn nothing and it would start to put a strain on your relationship which is definitely not ok.
As others have said while she may have learned some financial management skills thanks to you and your DH she is still making poor decisions. You cannot control what she does. Whether she chooses to continue on the path you helped her get on or falls back into old habits and gets back with her baby daddy is completely on her.
I think what you did for her is amazing and she is hopefully very grateful for all you and your DH have done, but don't let it continue past the limits that have already been put in place.
So....she left him in June and she's pregnant and due in 7 months. Which means she got pregnant in what, August, maybe? Late July? So she's still nailing the ex and got KU - that's not YOUR problem.
So no - don't feel guilty. She was irresponsible and has to deal with the consequences of her actions. Stand firm on the original agreement. Your marriage comes first and if this is straining things for you and your H then by all means keep the plan for her to move this month. If she's going to keep this baby (which I assume she is), and doesn't want to move back in with the ex, she needs to get her own place and support this child. Do you and DH really want to hear baby screaming in the middle of the night (if it's not your own child), every night?
As someone else said, you are not her mother. Therefore it shouldn't be up to you to take care of her and support her (and her child) financially. Time for her to grow up and become the responsible adult and parent she needs to be.
http://www.adoption.com/