Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Need advice... LONG.
The backstory:
Alcoholism runs VERY rampant among the men on both sides of DH's family. His father can tell you the last sip of alcohol he had, 18 years ago. His brother has been sober for about 5. His grandfather almost lost his grandmother from his drinking habits until he decided to clean up, and the list goes on.
Fast forward to college: Josh was usually a pretty happy drunk, but there was one time his Senior year that he went to my Formal with me. I was the social chair, so I had planned the whole thing, and I was stressed out. He was student teaching, and equally stressed. We had a MINOR skirmish before dinner that night, but worked it out and went on. He drank that night, and got mean, angry, drunk. He yelled at me and said things to me in that state that I don't care to repeat. This was six years ago. I didn't speak to him for several days, and when I did, I let him know that I would NEVER be with someone who treated me like that. There is a whole lot more to the story, but to abbreviate, he hasn't been "drunk" since that night. He let me know straight up that I was much more important to him than alcohol and that he didn't want to put me through what his grandmother went through.
We watched a football game with some friends as well as the ACLS game... (GO RANGERS!) on Saturday... We were at a sports bar type place both Friday and Saturday nights with friends. The ones on Friday night know and understand, T was there on that night back in College, but on Saturday, it became a little more of an issue, and I'm not sure how to respond to it...
Josh will have one or two beers on occasion, but usually orders a diet coke or water. A few of his coaching friends will heckle him about this, and I can see that it wears on him, and I want him just to say something about it, obviously not the story with me, but just that "Alcoholism runs in my family. I've seen it near ruin lives and I'm not taking any chances." I think they would respect it, and it would ease the feeling of misfit he gets. I don't know how to encourage him to be honest without seeming like I am telling him what to do, and honestly, I don't know if he really wants to admit that he's afraid to lose control again.
I guess what I want to know, if you got this far, is WWYD? I don't feel like it's my place to tell the other coaches, but I sure wish he would.
Re: Need advice... LONG.
I think you need to express your concerns to him, but try to do it in a nice tone. Maybe relate back to just this weekend that it's going to be much easier to be up front with close friends than constantly have them make comments when you go out.
FWIW, we have a ton of friends who don't drink. It took a while for us to stop making comments, but when someone finally expressed their concerns with drinking and stopped using lame excuses, the comments immediately stopped. I think you have to be up front with your friends, or they'll never understand what's really going on. It's natural to mock and poke fun of friends.
I don't know Josh, so I can't really tell how he'd react. I just think you need to shy away from what happened years ago and focus just on the more recent or your fears and worries of what's to come.
This is exactly what happens, and exactly what he does. "Oh my stomach is killing me." "Oh, I'm too tired, it'll put me to sleep!" etc... They know it's not true, why are you saying it?
Oh sheesh.... That's such a sore subject. I think that just saying "Hey I don't want to drink and you need to respect that" would work just fine, usually people will catch the hint and move on. But like snoopy said, friends naturally make fun of one another so if he felt the need to explain or it didn't stop I would go that route. Its sad when you are just teasing someone and don't realize that it's crossing a line. His friends (and I think you) would totally respect and admire him for standing up for what he believes in.
That being said I think it's really great that he has acknowledged that there is a problem in his family history and he does his best to avoid it. It takes serious guts to do that and I applaud him for chosing you and making the smart decisions that he has! Go auntb and Josh!
See, I think he just needs to say SOMETHING to explain why, so he doesn't seem judgy of people who DO drink.
See, I think he just needs to say SOMETHING to explain why, so he doesn't seem judgy of people who DO drink.
honestly, it's not your place to tell him what to say. this is his family, his friends, his issue. he decides what he wants to say.
that's an "in house" issue. you shouldn't air out a whole family's worth of dirty laundry just to get people to mind their business. One time of Josh saying "drop it" and then don't acknowledge it again.
I totally get where you are coming from... but the way our relationship works is that it's OUR family, OUR friends, and OUR issue, and while I would never nag him to do what I wanted him to, it's something we address and tackle together. It's just the issue that it would make it a lot less of an issue if we/he could come up with a response that isn't an obvious excuse.
I have to agree with this. It takes different tactics to deal with different people, and certain people might not even understand the alcoholism thing. If you're worried about him, I'd suggest bringing it up in a conversation with him, like "Do you feel OK when the guys pressure you to drink?" and see what he says. Maybe he just needs to vent so he can face them again with a fresh face. If he asks for advice, then you can offer it.
Does he even like hanging out with these guys? I can't imagine that they're very good friends if they pressure him and can't just accept it. And if they're THAT type of (dare I say insensitive? macho?) guy, then I don't know that they'd be all that sympathetic to the alcoholism thing either.
Baby #2: Surprise BFP 9.19.12, EDD 5.24.13, natural m/c 10.19.13 at 9w
I have to agree with Sarah & Adriane. I think that if it really bothered him enough, he would have already brought it up and the friends would know not to ask him.
honestly, I think that if I didn't drink because of family history, all my friends would already know about the situation, especially if it wasn't a big secret to keep.
good luck with whatever you decide to do!
TTC since October 2010 | BFP 12/29/11 | RRQ BORN 08/26/12
planned | married | blogged
I am just annoyed that people that you go out with semi-regularly continue to bring it up. Ed doesn't drink. He just doesn't like it. He will have a beer or two on a VERY rare occasion, but when people offer or ask if he wants to he just says he doesn't drink...and most people are fine with it.
That said, I often chime in and say that I am just as glad he doesn't drink so that I always have a DD...takes the pressure off in case anyone might continue to give him crap.
BFP 5/2/11, missed m/c, D&C 6/13/11
BFP 12/8/11--Little Girl E Born 8/22/12
I agree with this. I have nothing really new to add. and I'm late.