Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Critical Mom
My DH and I have been married just over 6 months and things have been great. But recently my mom has been getting really critical about things I do. The biggest of which (for her) is that I dyed my hair brown (I've always highlighted it blonde) about a month ago. She keeps making little comments about it and saying things like "we were just looking at pictures of when you were blonde and saying we should have you look at them" It seems like such a trivial issue to be upset about, and she NEVER used to do things like this. Is it just an empty nest thing or what? I've told her how it makes me feel when she nitpicks about these sorts of things and it'll stop for a week, and then start again. I'm very confused...any ideas?
Re: Critical Mom
"You know, Mom, it's funny you mention... my husband I were looking at pictures of you when you were younger and more polite, and thinking we should have you look at them."
No, but in all seriousness, is this the worst of the stuff she's saying?
I know this is going to sound corny...but my mother would always complain about my hair length...i loke it long she liked it short...and sha always made little ocmments about it...and some other silly stuff and at the time it really bothered me and i would always give her some saracastic response back.
She died last year and what i wouldnt give to hear one more of her little comments!
"Thanks for your opinion"
"Mom, are you saying my brown hair is ugly?"
"Mom, are you saying my house is ugly?"
"Mom, I'm sure you wouldn't want me to tell you how to decorate your house."
"Lay off about the damn hair!"
It sounds like it's time to stop telling her how it makes you feel and start getting annoyed and snapping at her.
Mom's never stop being Mom's. Her comments are harmless, she is just sharing her opinion which my Mom says is her right since she was in labor with me for 9.5 hours.
I also think Mom's go through mood swings due to an empty nest, or career changes or lady issues. If you need your space grab some, but then be as supportive of a daughter as you can be...she won't always be there...
So we can be judgmental towards our kids, dependent on how long we were in labor with them?
Suh-weeeeeeet!
I was in labor with DS for 4 days! I'm about to go totally judgmental on hisASS!
My mom does this too. She is very passive-aggressive and controlling (in her passive way). The thing is, I don't think she has good taste and I really don't think she's smart enough to tell me how to live my life (although I have never told her this) so the comments just rub me the wrong way in terms of why would she say something so rude...but I know why. B/c she's controlling and passive aggressive and it's her issue not mine.
I would tell your DH that he is only indirectly at fault for your mom being rude and snippy. Your relationship with her has changed, and she's upset and wants more control or "say" in it. He is responsible for you being married and having a new life, but her rudeness is her choice.
Honestly, I would go with the 1st poster's advice "mom, I was looking back at photos where you had manners. You were a lot more fun then."
I have naturally curly hair. When I get it cut, I get the hairdresser to straighten it, just for a change.
My Mum hates my hair straight, and if I've happened to see her when it's straight she'll make a comment about what a shame and how my curls are so pretty.. So last time she made a comment I just said, "here's a thought, how about if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all." It shut her up, and she's not commented on my straightened hair since.
Good book, second recommendation.
My mom spent a couple of years obsessed with convincing me to bleach my hair back to the blond I had as a child. To be fair it was a very lovely blond but I wasn't (and still am not) interested in the upkeep that bleaching my hair blond would entail. But she just.... kept... harping. Until I finally gave in and let her bleach it at home (I wasn't even living at home, that's how bad the harassment was). Turned it a shade of bonfire orange that made me look like I'd contracted the plague. The worst part was that I had long hair and it took me years to grow that bad bleach job out because it also fried my hair and wouldn't hold a color properly after.
Needless to say- mom pipped up once or twice after that about how much she loved my baby blond hair but I learned to put my foot down the hard way and once she realized how upset I was about the bleach job gone bad- she never brought it up again.
Moms nag. Even good moms. Even sweet moms. You simply have to find your boundaries and establish them firmly.
More relevant example. My mom is pretty sure DH corrupted her republican baby into a filthy democrat. This is true on the surface- but by this point I'm more of a filthy democrat than even my husband is. He feels awful when she tries to prod me into a political discussion and she starts to nag. He feels so awful he feels compelled to argue politics with her on his own.... as though he might convince her that he hadn't corrupted me at all- that he's really quite sensible and democrats are really quite harmless (Hint: he won't). Me? I Do. Not. Engage. ... Ever. She lobs a softball at me about abortion and I tell her I don't discuss politics with family. She tried to get me to justify socialism and I ask her how the weather is.
I can't stop her from poking at it. I can refuse to participate (and it's truly for the best) and I can ask that she and my husband refrain from politics discussion at the dinner table- but I can't force her to stop. And I can't make him stop feeling like he needs to defend my beliefs. That's just part of their MIL/SonIL dynamic. She pokes me about politics, I refuse to play, and he jumps to the bait. As long as they're still speaking civilly to each other it's out of my hands.
Friends for 15 years. Married 8. TTC since January 2009
2010 Diagnosis: Anovulation and Severe MFI
2011 Treatment:
IVF w/ICSI #1 Antagonist: 2 blasts - c/p - BFN 04.22
FET #1: 1 blast/1 early blast - BFP 06.22 - m/c 06.30 @6w0d
07-11 RPL: MTHFR C677T Heterozygous & Slightly elevated ACLA IgM
FET #2: 1 morula - BFN: 9.02
January '12: IVF #2
Started BCP and Metformin (New!) 12-14 for stimming in January
Dum spiro, spero.
?SAIF/PAIF/PgAL/PAL always welcome?
I find it interesting that everyone is telling you to talk to your DH and explain to him that this is how she is and he should just deal w/ it - basically.
I don't think you need to "confront" your mom or be overly rude, but I think a conversation is in order. If this is really new behavior, talk to her. "Hey mom, I've noticed lately that you've had a lot of opinions and comments about stuff I do (be specific if you want). I'm wondering what's going on because you never used to be like this." From a point of care and concern.
And if appropriate, or if it comes up, I think you need to actually tell her that some of these comments make your DH feel bad because he feels like he's at fault. Give specific examples.
But again, try to bring it around to her. Is she upset about something, is there something you can do, etc.
Make it about ehr, but just bringing it to her attention will put it on her radar and you may notice that she backs off.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10