Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
I don't want to be a whiny wife.
DH has been working late every single night. He usually leaves around 7 which puts him home at 7:30. DS goes to bed at 8. When he gets home so late it gives us basically no time together.
I've been calling him basically every night around 5:30 to see when he's going to be home. Usually I like to know so DS and I can eat dinner without him if he's going to be late. I can tell those calls kind of annoy him... but sorry! I need to know whether to wait on him for dinner or not.
Tonight, he hasn't called me all evening to tell me when he's coming home and I haven't called him either. He just now called me (7:30) and said he was leaving work. He talked about work for a minute and then I said, "Do you realize it's 7:30?" (which was a real question - he's told me several times it's easy for him to completely lose track of time at work.) He said - "Yes I do. And I thought maybe tonight you wouldn't give me crap about it, but I guess not. See you when I get home."
Soooooo.... I'm not sure if I'm venting or asking for help or what.....
Re: I don't want to be a whiny wife.
I don't think you get to be mad at him for his work hours. Some jobs just require longer hours than others. It sucks, but short of trying to find another job, there's not much he can do about it.
I do think you have every right to be annoyed that he's not calling/texting if he'll be home late. Even in jobs with variable hours, you generally know if you can leave at 5pm that day or not. I'm not sure what he does, but if he's allowed to take calls from you, I'm sure he's also allowed to sit down and send a 3 second text that says "Will be home after 7" or "Will be home by 5:30" so you know to go ahead and eat.
If he refuses to do that, just go ahead and make dinner whenever you want. He then loses the right to be annoyed if you don't "wait on him" if he fails to text.
We go through the same thing here. Last night, H told me he would be late for dinner, and then got here between 5:30-5:45 which is normal time for him.
He doesn't know any more than I do how long it will take him to put together a brief, write a whatever it is lawyers write, etc. It was easier when he was in law school!
I try to keep my cool about it. Sometimes, he has no control, like his dad is making him work on something, or suddenly he'll have to go to court the next day.
I've also found that instant messengers (I know, so 2002) like Google Talk help minimize the phone time, which is disruptive, and he won't answer if he's with a client. If his Gtalk status is orange, then he's working on something. I can send a message and he'll get back to me as soon as he turns around to the computer.
I just find ways to keep busy, and if I'm hungry, I start dinner and he can eat when he gets home. It doesn't happen nearly as often as it used to.
So, DH and I are workaholics. I work, on average, 12 hours a day. Its what I do, it comes with the territory of my job. Same with DH. What we have mastered is communicating about our hours. We usually email in the morning to see how things are going and I will send a 3pm round up email to say "things are going terrible" or "things are going okay" just to let him know where I am at. I do not think its polite for you to complain about the hours he is working but I do think that you should be upset that he is not communicating with you about having to work late.
I think all you need to say to him is 'Hey, look, I know you are working hard and I respect that. Can you call/text around 5:30 to let me know how things are going so I can be better prepared. I love to eat as a family and I know that is not always possible right now. Just keep me posted so we are not waiting around on you. Thanks for working so hard."
Massage his ego a bit, tell him you appreciate him, hopefully that will get the point across.
I agree with stripes - I know it's hard to not know when he's coming home and to deal with all that, but maybe addressing it a different way would help him see just what you're trying to get at.
When we make the move, H will be an MP - so he'll be working ridiculous hours [like, 14 hours a day for three days, then he's off for two or something like that]. I'm nervous about it, but his job will probably allow me to stay at home when we do move. I know dinner won't happen as a family every night, but knowing about what time he'd get home would be nice so I can plan accordingly. I'll probably take stripes' approach about asking him when he'll be home.
I agree with Stripes and OSUwifey about why you shouldn't be upset.
I am never too sure when my H is going to be home. With the business he owns and works at you just never know. He is on a schedule but not a time schedule. If one of his customers call him at 6:30 pm and he is just now leaving the town they are in and they ask him to turn around and come back to thier place of business to discuss a purchase he does it. Theres also times he gets home and has atleast 3 more hours of work todo before he can even think about anything else. He also doesn't always have the time to call me before he is on his way home. It is part of the job and at first it used to bother me but I have gotten used to it and know he will be calling when he is on his way.
Thanks girls. I talked to him a little about it last night. He said he doesn't get upset or annoyed when I call/text to see when he'll be home. He said he does get upset when I act irritated if he's going to be late. He said it's not like he wants to be there and not home with us, he just has to. With his recent promotion and the responsibilities of being his department leader, I think he's just trying to be very efficient. Which is good. It just sucks that DS is asleep when he leaves for work, and by the time H gets home he only sees DS for an hour (at the most) before bedtime. I really don't think his getting home so late would bother me as much if it weren't for DS. He asks for dada all day long so it kills me that he hardly gets to spend any time with H during the week.
But, I'm going to suck it up even though it bugs me because I know there is nothing H can do about working late. He doesn't need me complaining on top of everything else.
/vent.
I totally understand why you are frustrated. Try to keep in mind though......hopefully this is a short-term problem that will pay dividends in the long run. That doesn't make it any easier on you or on your little one but a person does have to pay their dues to be successful in the long-term.
Jamie said it best when she said, I'm sorry you're in this position, it sucks. Sometimes I feel like DH and I are 2 ships passing in the night. Hang in there.