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What to do about the sex life?
This is my first time posting and I'm very nervous. I've been married for about 2 years. My hubby is great. We have a wonderful relationship. He's extremely supportive, family oriented, and we do everything together.
Except the bedroom. He's just not into our sex life. We have dry spells of 2 -3 weeks at a time and he's perfectly fine with it. I'm not and have brought it up. He doesn't think it's a problem and brushes it off. I've tried lingerie (he laughed), candles, scheduling time, naughty text messages throughout the day, but he's not very interested. He never initiates it - ever. At this point it's taking a toll on my self-esteem and I feel very hurt. We've had this issue come up before, he promises to be more romantic, it doesn't happen, another 3 weeks goes by and no sex. When we do have sex it feels like a task on his part. No romance, no initiation, no sex unless I bring it up. I'm just tired of this and I'm beginning to think it's going to get worse if/when we have children. I suggested we get counseling but he won't do it. Any advice?
Re: What to do about the sex life?
Hey this was posted on another board below yours called low sex drive this very well maybe what the issue is.
From other post:
Okay, I'm not a regular on the board, but I just had to post this update. A while ago I posted a problem about my husband's (then fiance) sex drive. He had little interest in sex (including porn and masturbation) and it was causing a problem in our relationship.
I was advised by many that our relationship could not work with such mix matched sex drives, and some even told me to end it.
Anyway, I urged him to go to the doctor and get his testosterone checked. A normal testosterone range is from 170 to 800. At his age, he should be close to 800. His test came back at 107! He is now taking testosterone, and his sex drive is definitely improving. He's still pretty shy about initiating sex, but we've taken some big steps.
I'm so happy I decided to work through this and look at all the possibilities instead of just leaving him. Just goes to show that sexual problems can definitely be worked through, and it's not always a make or break kind of deal.
I'm not really sure i have any advice other than I am having the same issue with my SO. The difference is its me not really having any desire or want to have sex. What you described is what my SO tells me how he feels.
My problem has been stress since we are buying a house but everything is going under my name. We have a two year old who we cant get out of our bed so that takes its toll. Other than that i'm just tired and not really in the mood ever. All i can do is ask for time and patience and understanding... I think its just a lull eventually it will get better, It helped for me when we went away for a weekend sometimes being somewhere different helps. I mean when you constantly are only doing it at night, in bed, same positions, it does get to be routine, and less enjoyable. I dont love my SO any less but for now I do not mind going without.
He laughs when you put on lingerie???
Why on earth would a man that loves you do this? Sorry but he doesn't sound like that great of a guy. He also wont go to counseling with you. Is he affectionate in other ways with you? (cuddle, hug, hold your hand, says he loves you). I'm just wondering if it's more than just a non interest in sex. He's ignoring your feelings by the sounds of it. I think I would sit down and be stern with him.
I think I'd be tempted to tell him: "I want you to see a doctor/go to counseling with me" and tell him what will happen if he doesn't "if this doesn't happen we need to think about whether or not this relationship should continue. I need to know that you're willing to work on problems that we have with me for us to have a future."
In response to the woman having low desire issues, what you describe is definitely a common problem...are you taking any sort of hormonal birth control..if you are you might want to look into that, many times the pill can add to the problem. Being tired and getting bored is definitely a contributor, but not doing anything and waiting for it to get better might not be the best solution either.
I just feel like i could really relate to what you said in your post, but in my experience, being proactive definitely helped. more and more studies are showing that the more sexually active you are the more likely you are to enjoy it and increase your desire! just a thought!
sjawed - No am not on a horomonal BC ( I am on Copper Paraguard - Hormone Free) Thank you though, i have considered asking my Dr about it. I'm not the most open with stuff like that though especially face to face. I figure i will wait it out until we get the house and its all said and done ( it doesnt help that we are still living in my parents house)
He must go to counseling with you and get his levels checked. And you must have a plan for moving out of the IL's place (the sooner the better). If those things don't happen, then yes I think you should really consider this to be a make/break deal. Please get it straightened out before you have kids, that will just make it even worse and harder to deal with.
That's awful. Has he always been like this, or is this a more recent problem? If it's a more recent problem, is there anything going on that might be stressing him out and making him feel non-sexual? Money worries?
Is it possible that he has some kind of fetish that you're not aware of? Like is there something that would really turn his crank and you just don't know? Can you ask him about this, or is it awkward?What about watching porn together? Does he watch porn on his own?
You have my sympathy. If my husband and I go for a few weeks without having sex, I start to get agitated. Not only because I enjoy sex, but I also really enjoy the closeness. I feel like it's an essential ingredient in making our relationship work, though maybe this isn't the case for everyone. If you feel like this will be a deal-breaker, then it is.
How long have you been together?
It's normal for sex to wane if you have been together for awhile and especially after kids.
Why don't you spice it up? When he is in the shower, you hop in. How could he resist?:)
I don't think it's the OP who lives with her parents, but another poster who said that she herself had no sex drive (laureng498).
I have noticed a few posters seem to getting me confused with the OP ... We are not the same person.... My problems are seperate but similar. I just was trying to give her my point of view as someone who also has low desire.
This. And when he does want to go. YOU TELL HIM HE NEEDS TO GO or you leave. It sounds like he perfectly fine with you being miserable with your sex life. SELFISH!!!! Tell him that.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
i did read a study somewhere that said the more you have the more you want the less you have it the less you want it,
as far as him, could he be preoccupied with work, or overly tired. maybe research reasons for low sex drive it maybe dietary
i know im lucky to get it once a week,but this is directly related to his schedule , of 20 hrs of school an 35 hr work weeks is a energy killer
,talk to him tell him its more then the physical touch its the mental aspects of it to , find some kind way to find out why he is not into it