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Dad wants to move to my town -- I don't want him to
My father is retired. He has a girlfriend who lives across the country with whom he lives with about 60-75% of the year. The rest of the time he spends in a house he bought about 1,200 miles away from me. He spends a few months a year there -- sometimes his gf comes, but only for a vacation period because she works full time.
My dad is visiting me this week, and he said he's thinking of buying a house in my town so that he can live near me. I don't want this for several reasons. We don't get along that well. I try to keep the peace because we only spend typically twice a year together, and it just seems easier this way. But I can't even imagine the nightmare if he lived near me. He's critical of my lifestyle and constantly offers unsolicited opinions. He thinks I'm still 12 and seeking his advice on how to grow up, which I'm not. He's smothering. He'll literally follow you around from room to room trying to have conversations even if you're just trying to take a five-minute break.
He is not the type of person who would move to a new town and make a life for themselves. His life would be us (me, my DH and our son). One of the reasons my mom ended up divorcing him was because he could be so suffocating. I can only imagine his gf is relieved when he takes off for weeks at a time (OK, that is just pure speculation, but I wouldn't be surprised).
How do I tell him that I don't want him to move here? "Dad, I don't want you to move here because I don't want to spend that much time with you?" I am fearful of the day when he becomes incapacitated and it becomes my responsibility to find a home for him.
Re: Dad wants to move to my town -- I don't want him to
One thing you can say to him is "Dad, you just need to realize what the reality of living near me is going to mean. When you come to visit, I set that time aside for you because it's only a couple times a year. But outside of that, I have a very busy life. I'm not going to have the time to spend w/ you that I do when you come for short visits. If you make this move, you have to make it knwoing this, and knowing that you won't be able to be at our house all the time, etc.".
Be direct about it.
And if he does decide to move (really, you can't tell him that he CAN'T!), you need to stick to it. You'll have to be very firm in setting boundaries and not being available to see him a lot.
We live only about 30 mins from my IL's. We could see them a lot - they'd love to see us more. But we don't want to for a few reasons, and we simply don't leave a lot of room for that.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
DITTO!
If he does move and starts coming over unannounced and/or frequently calling to ask for a visit you need to be prepared to say "Sorry Dad, we are busy, now is not a good time. I will call you when we have some free time to spend with you." Or could you possibly set aside one afternoon/evening a month (just for a couple hours) so he knows ahead of time what time you have set aside just for him?
I agree with this. However, I would probably start the conversation asking him what prompted him to think about relocating to your town. Then I'm sure you can direct the conversation to make your point.
I agree with this. However, I would probably start the conversation asking him what prompted him to think about relocating to your town. Then I'm sure you can direct the conversation to make your point.
Maybe this is your wake up call to deal differently with your dad. You put up with his criticisms and controlling nature "because it's just for a month or two" (?!?). I think you might need therapy to find a way to deal with your dad - making consequences for his behvior when he acts poorly, or is smothering or critical, and the ability to be ok with keeping a distance from him (by your choice or his) if you don't.
The way you were raised seems to me that you were taught to walk on eggshells and appease your dad to stop any conflict. While I realize that you can't MAKE people change, but your mom's solution was to DIVORCE him - - leave - - rather than to force him to "get a life" and "stop following her around." So she put up with him and put up with him and put up with him until she just couldn't take it anymore. That's not a healthy way of dealing with a relationship that isn't working.
In the meantime, making it clear that "I carve out a lot of time for us to spend together, because you're only here for a while, but I can't do that year round," might work....but it seems as if your dad ignores and doesn't take your interests seriously anyway, so I'm not sure it will be much of a deterrant.
That's some good stuff.
My ILs play a little bit of "well, we're only here for July and August ... so you must spend every weekend with us and all of your free time." DH has gotten really good at saying "Well, that's your choice, not ours. We'd be happy to accomodate a schedule if you'd let us participate in planning it. As it is, we'd still like to -and plan to take our family vacation in the summer without you. No guilt needed. It's a normal and healthy thing to do."
Point being, just becuase your dad decides to move to your town and camp out in your livingroom doesn't mean you have to accomodate him. Tell him NOW your expectations and then don't feel badly to enforce them.