Sex & Romance
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When does internet porn go too far?
Hey everyone...I am new on the site, so I apologize if this has been asked 8 million times before. I'm dying to know opinions. Do any of you consider internet porn "cheating" and when do you determine that it is going too far? Ever since I met my husband, he hasn't had much of a sexual appetite, so I came to accept that I would have to meet him half way and calm down a bit. At first, we used to joke how I was the man and he was the woman in the relationship. However, the longer we are together, the more I have noticed his secretive porn watching while I am sleeping. I've never gotten complaints from him in the bedroom department and I think I am an open person. I think we have a great physical relationship. Unfortunately, that is only realized every two weeks...sometimes three. We have actually talked the porn...only because I walked in on him, but I told him that I understand that most men like to watch it and that I really don't care that he watches it, but I do care when our own sex life comes secondary to the internet. Even after our talk, I find he is doing it again. Now I am finding that he is getting onto websites with local women. I don't know if they are chatting, just videos that they put on the website. I've done everything I can to spice things up, but it keeps going back to the same issue. He's never been with anyone else, so I understand that he is curious of other women. I've been so frustrated that I'm losing my mind...to the point where I have considered to just let him go and have sex with someone else so he can get it over with and move on with our relationship. Yeah...it's gotten that bad. I am not sure if I can continue to live like this. My self esteem is at an all time low, but more than anything, who wants to have a marriage without passion? What would you do? Am I overreacting? How can I approach him without embarrassing him? Thanks!
Re: When does internet porn go too far?
Websites with local women? That's dealbreaker material, IMO. Why are they local if he's not planning on meeting up with them? If he weren't, they could be anywhere.
Even without this, though, I'd probably opt out. Why did you continue dating a guy who wasn't all that interested in having sex with you?
I know...that is what scares me. It was different when they were random women from anywhere in the world. Now they are local...there is so much possibility there.
I can't really say he wasn't interested in having sex...or with me. When we HAVE sex, it's great...we just don't have it that often. It's just that he has a low sex drive...or at least I thought...until recently. Now that I know what is REALLY going on, I see things in a whole new light. I am devastated.
You're 33, according to your bio. He's never been with anyone else? Very rare, to say the least.
I too would say this is a dealbreaker:
Now I am finding that he is getting onto websites with local women. I don't know if they are chatting, just videos that they put on the website.
You've got several problems on your hands: the fact that he's been on that type of website...and that he's back to looking at it again after you discussed that with him and you asked him not to look at that website.
That shows a big lack of character; he's broken a promise he made to you.
And you have another problem -- you sincerely think that letting him have sex with somebody else will "get this out of his system"??? I would like more backstory on that; is this what YOU think....or did he say this to you???
Either one is just wrong.
If he said exactly that to you, show this bum the door. He's trying to justify what he is doing.
I don't want to be an alarmist but get tested; he's not exactly looking at the garden variety free porn that's on the web. You have no promise that he hasn't been physically involved with these women.
I also suggest therapy for you, stat. Your self esteem is zero if you think that letting him have sex with somebody else will solve your problems.
Thanks for your thoughts/advice. You know...this is actually helping me. Seeing everyone's comments in writing is kind of making me say, "Yeah, she's right, what AM I thinking?"
I am actually the one who thought about sending him out with someone else. Trust me, I know how pathetic it sounds. He would never suggest that. So yes, my self esteem is beyond zero. It's in the negatives. It truly is rare that he's been with no one else. I met him in college and I fell in love with him for his sincerity and sensitivity. He had a girlfriend throughout high school, but they never had sex because they were A) never alone and
said he was never "ready" because he was scared about getting her pregnant. I believe his parents had a part to play in that. However, his girlfriend DID cheat on him...even though she was supposedly a virgin too. So this tells me that even then, she wanted to, but he didn't.
One thing I am learning is that maybe it ISN'T me afterall. I guess because I've been in this situation for so long now, it is hard to see it from a different perspective. You are all helping me see from the outside in. Thank you. And yes...I agree on the therapy too. Already looked into it. I guess I now have to think about if this can be fixed...and if so, how? I love him to death. He really is a great guy. I think he just has a problem with sex...or expressing himself. Or...maybe I am just in denial. I guess I have a hard time believing that such a good guy would do this. I've dated losers before. I could always tell if someone is cheating. I just don't see it with him...other than the internet.
No sex with her because WHY? Fooey --- where there is a will there is a way. The horniest of teenagers living at home find their way around it.
I also think he's got other issues.
He's got cheating on his mind, even if he hasn't physically done anything yet. And remember: no decent, happily married man engages in inappropriate behavior with other women; no decent happily married man visits the type of websites your H is visiting.
You're actually considering telling him to go sleep with someone else so he can "get it over with"? Do you really think that will help you move on in your relationship? In what way would that help boost your self-esteem?
Honestly, if you're at the point where you think that him sleeping with another woman will help your relationship--you need to call it a day and divorce him.
Yep, he's got a problem with sex. His parents obviously did quite a number on him. Is he the victim of some kind of abuse? I would definitely try to get him into some kind of counseling. And I would recommend it for you as well so you can tackle your self esteem issues. Sending him off to have sex with another woman is a really messed up way of thinking.
I'm curious how you two even made it to marriage after finding out you were sexually incompatible.
Personally I have no problem with my husband looking at internet porn. he doesn't have to sneak around, but he doesn't go overboard, either. Sometimes we'll even watch together.
Still, chatting up real people, especially when they're local, is cheating in my opinion (or at the very least shows he'd consider it).
It doesn't sound like it's you... you're opening all the doors necessary so he can have a satisfying sex life. This man obviously has some sort of addiction.
If you really love the guy and he's a great husband otherwise, you could go the long, difficult route and get professional help. (He'd have to be open and willing, of course.)
If he's not willing to get help, or you don't want to suffer more heartache, then I think it's time to move on. You simply cannot be in a relationship like that.
Good luck, and I hope everything goes well for you.
1.) Local women-- porn or not, whatever. That would be a deal-breaker for me.
2.) I am with other posters: If his hand, or computer got more action than I did I would be history.
I'm sorry you are going through this, but I suggest that both of you seek couples counseling, sex therapy (particularly for your husband. It sounds like the porno could be an addictive behavior for him if it is impairing his relationship with you) and re-evaluate where you want this relationship to go.
Life is too short for the BS. This is BS.
THIS!!!
Sorry to be a prude but any porn is a problem. Your man should be interested only in having sex with your lady parts.
Definition of porn? That is tough and any male will look at a beautiful women or sports car. The difference is if they try to drive the sports car or women they don''t "own".
I suppose by some definitions of porn. We put on a live show for years in the pool with wet bathing suits. Other cultures don't "bat an eye" by going nude on the beach or sauna.
Wow. I'm amazed that everybody is saying to just leave him. He obviously has a pornography addiction. I have a friend who used to be addicted to porn. He got therapy and worked through it - just like you would any addiction.
Definitely insist on sex therapy. If he absolutely refuses, THEN consider ending things.
The local site? Yes, that's a bad sign. But it's one that can be addressed in couples counseling.
When you marry a person, you're supposed to be willing to work through problems. Do what you can to get him help. If he won't get help, make your decision from there.
Are you familiar with the book, "The Secret" - Law of Attraction ... and the info about how thoughts can manifest into reality? Ideas start with your thoughts, thoughts grow and expand, then it becomes reality. They are usually referring to something positive ... like manifesting your dreams, etc..but I think the same can be true when applied to something potentially damaging.
For one, I'd be concerned that he has an addiction to porn. Second, I'd be concerned that the addiction could turn to compulsive THOUGHTS, which may manifest into ACTION... which seems to be what's happened, since his apparent addiction has lead him to local sites.
As to what to do about addictions and thoughts... a professional should help with that.
Another thing crossed my mind too. I wonder if he (and other men) could be drawn to these sites, because they might be turned on by the thoughts of women being treated like objects, "whores,sluts", etc ....which would be hard to do and embarrassing to admit with someone you love and respect.
Just a thought. Good luck. I hope everything works out.
I'm no expert and I'm definitely not condoning his behavior, because I do think your H needs to see a counselor and you two definitely need to work through your communication issues, as well as his possible addiction to sex.....
However, I know my SO has had the issue of seeing "local" sex video pop-up windows when looking at internet porn. When you're online, a website is able to look up where you are located via your IP address [http://www.infosniper.net/]. It's targeted marketing. Also, depending on the site, more times than not, they're not even local girls... the website just advertises that they're local to indulge in some men's fantasies.
Have you confronted your H regarding the so-called local porn visits? Maybe he isn't visiting these sites, but rather they are pop-ups? Regardless, see a counselor... together or separate. If he really is a good guy like you say, then it's worth seeking help. If he is unwilling to work together through these rough times, then there is no point in staying with him.
I am very strong believer that marriage is not disposable, but it's also not a one-way street. I wish you the best of luck!