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Holiday Delima!
Hi everyone, I'm new to The Nest, I just got married 9.25.10 and have no need to be on The Knot anymore. I live in Austin, TX, have no kids, 2 small dogs, and a wonderful husband. Wanted to introduce myself alittle bit.
So the problem is, the holidays are coming up, Thanksgiving being the closest. Both of our family are having lunch meals at about 1pm (not willing to change) and they live about 10 minutes apart as my family normally does thanksgiving at my grandmas which is 1.5 hours away but moved it closer so we wouldn't have to travel for once and my grandma is getting to old to cook a full meal like that. We are both going back and forth as to where we are going to go because obviously I want to be with my family and he wants to be with his. What do you and your husband do about splitting the holidays?
Re: Holiday Delima!
Our families live in different time zones, so my situation really wouldn't help you. But your situation sounds easy enough. Eat with one family and go to the others' for dessert. Next year, switch.
It's "Dilemma."
Our parents live 1.5-2 hrs in opposite directions, so we take turns. Thanksgiving with in-laws, Christmas with my parents, and we switch every year.
With your family being 10 minutes apart, it's perfectly feasible for you to do a meal at one place and stop by the other for pie later in the day.
We moved 900 miles away so we wouldn?t have to deal with the holiday dilemmas.
When we lived closer, we used to have to visit 4 separate locations every holiday. Finally, we got sick of it and said ?If you want to see us you can all come to our place and I will cook. If not, well?. see you when we see you?
Well thats what I thought too but husband says the most important part is the actual meal (not dessert) and I am helping with my family lunch bringing food, etc. so I think I need to be there. I think our problem is we both want to have the actual meal with our own family.
Christmas isn't to big of an isssue because my family does our on x-mas eve and he does his on x-mas day.
Yeah that has crossed our minds plenty of times. Or taking a vacation during the holidays. haha
There are some people who spend their holidays apart. You each could go to your respective family's house for the meal, esp as you won't have a problem at Christmas.
However, thinking into the future, are you planning on having kids? If so, what are you going to do then?
EVERY adult, including all your parents, had to break away from going to their parents house at some point. At some point, your parents started doing the holidays at their home, together.
So - from that perspective, whether it's this year, or next, or 10 years from now, the two of you are going to have to come up w/ a compromise. The two of you are now a family and you need to come up w/ a plan that works for the two of you.
And yes, initially it will suck - someone won't get to spend "the meal" w/ their family. But a part of marriage is compromise. And, again, whether you do it this year, or wait 5 years, at some point you're going to have to come up w/ a solution that works and you will each, at some point, have to conceed and not see their family.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
By the way, since neither of your families were willing to move the meal time, neither of them get to complain about you not being there for the meal. Be clear you won't be listening to complaints.
If you have already committed to helping with your family's lunch, then I'd say this year you go to your family's for lunch and his for dessert, and then swap next year.
ECB and Bunmom took the words right out of my mouth..
You just need to say "DH, I enjoy spending meal time with my family as much as you enjoy spending it with yours. I know neiher of us wants to give that up this year, but someone is going to have to. I feel like neither of us are going to give in, so lets flip a coin to see who gets it this year, and we will trade next year!"
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
That's what we do my H's family lives 30 min from us mine live 5 hours. Just go to one and then the other.
Further (I'm on a roll), I would tell both parents now your planned timeline. "Dinners at 1pm - we'll arrive around 11am to help setup/visit. We will be leaving at 3pm sharp for the other house." "We'll be at your place at 3:15pm for the fantastic desserts. We look forward to spending the rest of the day wtih you visiting/playing a game/watching football."
If dinner gets delayed, you don't alter your departure time, even if it means you miss the meal entirely (I'm sure there will be leftovers at the other house). So often we seen posts about passive-aggressive parents that delay the meals to hold the family "hostage". If one of your families is notorious for running behind schedule/excessively delayed, then I would make that the default "dessert" house for all years. But you didn't indicate those sort of shenanigans are at play here.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
My DH and I went to both our family's thanksgivings exactly one time. It sucked for us. It felt like we were rushing through a meal with one side just so we could rush across town to get to the other family's meal and chat before people left. We decided we won't do it again and alternate years. This year is Thanksgiving at my family's house with Easter at his. Next year it is flipped. We do christmas Eve with DH's family and Christmas day with mine.
Just remind people if they get snippy about whatever it is you decide that you're a new family and you're trying to create new traditions for yourselves as well as respect the traditions that are already in place too.
This year, have Thanksgiving at your family's house and next year, have it with his family. (or vice versa) Marriage is all about compromise and everyone goes through this. Even if the families were willing to change times, we tried the Thanksgiving lunch at one house, Thanksgiving dinner at the other. The end of the day you feel like you are going to throw up because, even if you think you can, there is no way you can eat two big meals in one day.
Unfortunately, the only thing any of us can really tell you is it will take compromise. Every once has to go through it at some point. If neither family is willing to adjust their time to make your lives easier, then I would do as others suggested...flip a coin to see where you will go for thanksgiving and then rotate the following year. Or if you've already decided you are helping with dinner this year, that pretty much already decided the answer and go to your family this year.
As others have suggested, I don't see anything wrong necessarily with doing separate things for thanksgiving...it may make you realize that next year it's even more important for the two of you to be together. Later down the line though, you will have to bend and life will change. It's definitely an adjustment, but hopefully a good one:)
Part of the issue here is that you both think you're right.
You: "I'm bringing some dishes to my family's meal, so we need to be there!"
Him: "The meal is the important part, so we need to be with my family for that!"
Until you both acknowledge two facts: you both want to be with your respective families AND your spouse, and there is simply no way that can happen, then you're not going to be able to compromise. Compromise does not mean "convince the other person you're right;" it means you both get something you want and you both give up something you want.
This year, flipping a coin is probably the fairest way of doing things. Tell your families that's what you're doing, and if they don't like it, too bad. The "losing" side gets a turn next year. If yours lose out, drop off your dishes on your way to his family's house; if his loses out, no complaints about how dessert is inferior.
And ditto BunMom; be upfront about when you plan to leave, and leave AT THAT TIME.
So then why not do Christmas eve with your folks, and christmas day with his.
I know you said you'd bring food to help out, but why did you agree to that before discussing your plans with DH?
We have a similar distance situation and we do as previous poster suggested: we eat with one side, and go visit the other and switch it up each year.
Definitely set boundaries. My MIL LOVES to play the "but dinner isn't ready yet" card. Well, MIL, you said dinner would be ready at 3 and it is now 6 and we said we were leaving at 6:30 to go see my family (luckily my family has always been a family of late eaters). If you give in and stay because someone didn't plan their meal appropriately then you are setting a standard for the future.
Yea I think I will try the flip a coin idea, I think he will go for that. Thanks for all yalls help!
I agreed to help with dinner because husband said that his family was doing dinner at their house, so I thought Ok this will work out perfect. Then I text his mom to see what time dinner was going to be so I could set a time in mind when we would be leaving my family and she said they normally do lunch.
Once you come up with a good game plan it'll all work out, although there will be times where someone may [intentionally or unintentionally] throw a wrench into things. But for now, picking Thanksgiving with one family and Christmas with the other family is the best way to do it, and switching every year makes it fair.
DH and I are lucky that both of our families are local. He prefers to have dinner with my family on Thanksgiving every year because his family are all smokers & he doesn't like being around it. But I told him if we're going to have dinner with my family every year we at least need to start having dessert and drinks with his brothers and sisters to keep things somewhat fair, otherwise they will lay into him for not coming around.