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Splitting Holidays just got harder
We usually do a great job of splitting the holiday. We moved far away last year and drove all over the state just to make it to see each side of the family, but we were incredibly exhausted. My parents are divorced and DH's parents just got divorced (although they have been separated for 3 years), so we usually have at least 4 of each holiday to go to. MIL just moved FAR away, but expects to see us for every holiday, everyone else is more understanding (even though they all live closer). I suppose we could drive everywhere again, but gas is expensive and this year has been incredibly difficult with DH being laid off. Besides, who wants to spend days in the car?? DH wants to go to his mom's for Thanksgiving, says he would like to see where she is living. I completely understand wanting to see her place, but driving 12 hours (round trip) in November and then again in December is too much.
Is it horrible to only see her for one, either Thanksgiving or Christmas? Then, do we let her decide which one she wants us there for or choose ourselves? I honestly think DH expects us to go see her for every holiday. And well, I'm not going to neglect my family and the rest of his family every holiday to see her. I'm also open to any other suggestions of how to split the holidays. TIA!
Re: Splitting Holidays just got harder
It's just a fact of life that when families live far away from each other, they're probably not going to be able to see each other as often as they would like. My in-laws live a 12-hour drive from us, and we usually go to their place for Thanksgiving, and they come to see us for Christmas. This year, we can't make it for either holiday due to work schedules, so they are coming to see us for both. (That's their choice- we're perfectly happy not seeing them.)
It sounds like you might have to start setting some ground rules, like rotating holidays between different sides of the family. Your families might not like it, but that's just how it goes. Also, it's not fair for them to expect you to do all of the traveling for every holiday. Offer to host at your house once in awhile and then they can decide if they want to make the effort to see you. You can also host a joint gathering involving both of your families. Especially since you now have four different sets of parents to deal with, that might help cut down on the number of celebrations you need to worry about.
Think about what you are considering: letting your MIL dictate YOUR holiday schedule. Is that really what you think is in your best interest?
You know it isn't feasible nor healthy to run around to 4 different homes on the holidays.
If it were me I would pick ONE parent per holiday to visit and rotate annually. Easter, X-mas, New Years, Thanksgiving, July 4th....there are plenty of holidays to go around.
Can you host one holiday at your home? Picture one parent spending December 23-25 at your home and another spending Dec 25-27 at your home.
No, you don't have to see her every holiday, but the issue here isn't her. It's your DH. HE is the one who you need to get on the same page with. She can 'expect' it all she wants, but unless she puts a gun to your head, she can't make you go.
So, talk to your DH. talk about all the people you have to see, and what it the best way to divide it up.
And no, i wouldnt' plan on seeing everyone EVERY holiday. that's insane.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
My parents expect me to travel to see them for every holiday, too. And they haven't actually dropped dead when I didn't. Even though they acted like they would have. They didn't.
I'm not going to sugar coat it. People like your MIL suck. Really suck. They set completely unrealistic expectation for you. And then rant and rave, push and insist and threaten and ignore until they get their way. It sucks.
It sucks for me whether or not I give in. So I stopped giving in. At least I get to do what I want to be doing.
Sure its going to suck to be dealing with breaking her expectations for all these holidays. But its gonna suck less than the seething resentment and 12 hour drive.
When people move away, and start to have their own families, things need to change.
DH and I moved away about 7.5 years ago. We originally went home for every holiday and soon realized that it couldn't continue. So now, we stay home - just us and our girls - for Thanksgiving. Every year. Our parents have learned to deal with it.
We do split Christmas, but that's not a hardship since our families live in the same state. We just drive up to DHs family for Xmas Eve, then head down to my family on Xmas Day, and head home a day or two after that. One year we decided not to travel and spent a quiet holiday at home. It was nice, but we did miss family so we haven't done it again although I'm sure the time will come when we do take another year off. If we couldn't do things this way, we'd most likely alternate years. That would seem to be the fairest way.
i agree when family members or perhaps yourself move away, families should be understanding about the situation and that distance often makes these types of trips very difficult.
We live 7 hours away from home this year, next year we will be about 23 hours away, so we make every effort to go home for holidays and celebrations while we still can. Next year everyone wants to make plans to visit us.
You could always invite your families to see you this year.
*sorry for the grammar and spelling I have a headache
Wow...Your MIL expects you guys to drive 6 hours to go see her for a holiday (probably meaning the day before) and then 6 hours back to the other side so you can see the rest of your families?? and for every holiday? That seems completely unreasonable to me!! You guys need to set the expectation with her early or she will expect this every year. First and foremost, I agree with everyone elses comments...1. you and your husband really need to be on the same page., and 2. Do not let her pick which holidays you spend with her.
For some more tangible advice, my suggestion would be to go to her house for Thanksgiving and spend the holiday. Let your husband see where she is living so he knows she's ok. For Christmas, let her know that you will not go over there to see her because it's just far too much driving. If she wants to see you guys, she should drive to you.
Just like YOU made the choice to move away from the group and therefor take on SOME of the responsibility for going back to see everyone (it is easier for one family to travel vs the entire family)....SO DID SHE.
She made the choice to move away and thereby making it EVEN HARDER on YOU.
The fact that she is that selfish towards her son is sad.
No it's not horrible. She needs to understand you have a family too, and DH has a father to visit as well (whether she likes it or not) so she's just going to have to suck it up and deal. Put your foot down to DH and tell him it's just not feasible to go see her for both so to put his foot down with his mom and pick which holiday he wants to see her so you can plan with your family and his dad for the other. If he absolutely has to go running to mommy both holidays, tell him to have fun and give her your regards because you'll be spending it with your side of the family.
God, all these entitled MIL's drive me nuts and I don't even know them!!!
DH and I moved 16 hours away from family a couple months ago (after living 7 hours away for the past 2 years), so I know exactly how you feel! We are not going home from Thanksgiving, nor are our families coming here. We are flying home for 11 days for Christmas and every year we switch off which side of the family we're with for Christmas day. It sucks and we don't get to spend as much time with people as we want to, but that's how life goes and we've learned to live with it.
I would not suggest letting her decide which holiday she wants you there for. I personally would probably see her for Thanksgiving, because it seems like there's always so much more going on during Christmas and a lot more extended family to see. That way she can have a whole day of quality time with just you and DH. Maybe you could exchange Christmas gifts at that time? Good luck, let us know how it turns out!!
I must disagree. Driving all over the state just to "make it" to see each side of the family and incredibly exhausting yourselves is NOT doing a great job of splitting holidays.
Not even a little. So, stop kidding yourselves.
Holidays are about love and togetherness and being happy. NOT about driving 12 hours, spending 2 days, and driving 12 hours again. Don't worry about family, do what YOU want to do. If staying at home in comfy pajamas with a cup of coffee watching Christmas specials makes you happier than driving all over the place, do that!
You have no obligation to go to see people on the holidays, those are YOUR days for YOU and your HUSBAND. If your family really wants to see you, they can come to you. Eventually you're going to have children and not want to make the trips or spend your holidays with your own family. It's not as devastating as you think to ignore family for the holidays
I really appreciate all the advice! DH and I talked about it and we are going to go see her for Thanksgiving. I think this will make both him and her happy because we get to see where she lives shortly after she's moved there but enough time to let her get settled in. I'm sure she will flip her sh!t when we tell her that we will not be coming to visit for Christmas. DH is expecting this as well, she is very much a drama queen and practically invented the guilt trip. I'm sure he will feel guilty at least a little bit, because "she has no one" (her words) but he'll get over it just as she will.
A big, joint holiday would not work for us. My parents do not get along and DH's parents' relationship is a bit strained (as expected with a "recent" divorce). Also, having people to our house would be much more difficult for everyone else, especially our aging grandparents (ranging between 2.5-6 hours away for everyone).
I guess we'll see how this holiday season goes, MIL is the only one that has the potential to really annoy me. Everyone else is really understanding of the amount of places we have to go and how far they all are.
Thanks again for all the comments, I really do appreciate all the different ideas/views/suggestions!
Splitting holidays is definately not an easy thing to begin with, however, when there is distance and single parents involved it is only worse. It comes down to this...you can't please everyone. You get a more relaxing holiday when it is with one side of the family and no traveling, then spend the next holiday with the other side. Having said this, this year I have to practice what I preach.
My husband's family lives 5 1/2 hours away, mine is only 10 mins. My mother is closest with me and I was always the one to get her to church on Christmas eve, make sure the plans are set to have dinner with my brother and his kids, sister, etc. She even told me she understands and can't be selfish if we go spend Christmas with the in-laws (even though she has always said she is not married and at least they have each other and there are little kids in our family to open presents, not theirs). After she said that, I saw her crying as she got into her car, not intended for me to see. I just hate seeing her upset and depressed (more to the story ) So, it sounds like I can't always be the martyr and someone will always feel a little hurt and that is reality. We just can't drive late Christmas eve (fri) or early Christmas day (sat), just to drive back on sunday so we can work the next day. Thanksgiving is set for the in-laws to come here and my mom and sister will have dinner with us.
So, I apologize for my rants, however, I just wanted people to realize that you aren't alone and it isn't easy. Marriage is about compromise for the two of you and the entire extended family. Do what is best for you and your family may be hurt at first but they will always love you. Now I have to take my own advice and use it (haha).