Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Family events-need some advice
My husbands family has alot of parties, normally I really enjoy them and don't have a problem going. The thing is, they have birthday parties for everyone in the family, aunts, uncles, cousins, and they are always on Sundays and there are normally 1-2 a month. Right now my husband and I are both working full time and are in grad school. I am also interning for grad school and only have Sundays free. Normally when there is a family party we do not find out until about 2 days before, it is almost always at the last moment we find out and have to rearrange our schedule. There is another party coming up, and I had already made plans. I told my husband that I didn't think I was going to go, and he was fine with it, however there are times that I choose not to attend these events, that other family members have made comments about me not attending all the parties, or that they wonder if I do not like them. It is not that at all, but I don't think I should have to drop everything at the drop of a hat for these parties, especially when I already have plans. And for me, if my husband is ok with it I don't think it should be an issue. Any advice on how to handle this situation?
Re: Family events-need some advice
Do they make these comments to you or to your husband? If to your husband, how does he respond to them?
Oh and it's completely okay for both of you to skip parties sometimes. You don't have to rearrange your schedules. Heck, you don't even have to have a good reason not to go - you can just decide that you would prefer to sit on the couch and rest.
Man...sounds like my in-laws (we have no one in MI though).
I've come to this simple conclusion...you do not have to rearrange everything for them or they will constantly expect it. And let them say whatever they want, they're going to find something to say no matter what you do. As long as your H is standing up for you when it's said to him, there's nothing you can do. Just accept it and go when you can, don't go when you can't. You'll drive yourself nuts trying to make everyone happy.
BFP 2: 7/7/2014 Beta 7/8: 115, Beta 7/12: 638, Beta 7/16: 3793, Beta 7/21: 21,625
I have a very active group of inlaws too. If I know I can't make it to one of their parties, I try to call the host up in advance and give my regrets personally. I usually take the time to explain why I won't be there and if my husband will be there without me. It's a short call and I always spend some time gossiping and asking about their lives when I call so they know it's not just a formality- it's a courtesy I extend because I actually like them. It was a hard habit to get into but it's helped my relationship with his family a lot. Could DH just tell them for me? Sure. They are his family after all- but I'm not just the wife. They like me, know my name, care about me (as an individual, not an extension of my husband) being there- the least I can do to pay back having genuinely enjoyable in laws is to interact with them myself.
If the change of plans is last moment we either call if both of us won't be there- or the one who can make it will take a moment to let the host know something popped up when we get there.
If they know that you do like them but that you've got other things going on- that should help smooth the rough patch.
Friends for 15 years. Married 8. TTC since January 2009
2010 Diagnosis: Anovulation and Severe MFI
2011 Treatment:
IVF w/ICSI #1 Antagonist: 2 blasts - c/p - BFN 04.22
FET #1: 1 blast/1 early blast - BFP 06.22 - m/c 06.30 @6w0d
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Dum spiro, spero.
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I think yo uBOTH need to stop rearranging plans. 1 - 2 times a MONTH? That's a lot. You both need to stop dropping everything, and I think the first time you do this, your DH needs to gently but firmly tell at least his parents "We've always tried to make all these parties, but quite honestly - it's too much. We're really busy and we simply can't rearrange our plans every time a party crops up. We will come when we cna, but we won't be at every party anymore.".
Put out the expectation. Let them get upset, let them grumble. You all just say "Yes, we're sad we had to miss it too." and move on.
And times when you can't go but DH does? He needs to send the same message. "Court is sad she couldn't come, but she has previous plans.".
But honestly, I think HE needs to stop dropping everything to go too. If yo uboth do this, you BOTH are showing that this just doens't work for you.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I second the "sounds like my IL's" comment! My ILs only have parties for the kids until they turn 16, but once the milestones hit, they have parties for those as well....for everyone. And not including me, H and SD there are 6 siblings, 6 spouses, and 18 kids. I totally understand your dilemma - my ILs take parties very seriously in their family too and if we miss one we get talked about as well. H always sends a gift if we can't make it but since there's only a few kids still under 16 and not too many milestones this year the parties have dwindled a bit.
You shouldn't have to rearrange your entire schedules for birthday parties every other week. Maybe just attend the kids' parties? Or the family members he is closest to, such as his parents and siblings (if any)? And your H is just going to have to stand up to them and tell them that wiht your schedules it's not always feasible and that as mature adults they should be a little more understanding. My H, on the other hand, tells his family to F off if they berate him or me for missing a party, but that's just the way they talk to each other.
GL!
Your husband needs to say "of course wife likes you. However, we have very busy schedules, and we / she just can't make every family party."
Then your H needs to stop telling you whatever cr*p they are saying in order to make you feel guilty. Because that's all they are doing, right? If he said "he only goes to Uncle Joe's party, because they serve chocolate cake and you serve vanilla." do you think they would buy a different cake to get you to come?
They are just trying to pressure you to comply with attending. Just because someone else wants the big party atmosphere, doesn't mean you do. Just becuase other people have nothing better to do, doesn't mean you don't.
When I worked full time and went to grad school, I didn't have any time to do any socializing. I squeezed-in holidays and occassional family parties, and it was difficult and stressful to do it. Now that I'm established in my career and mom to small ones, I'm looking for fun things to do on a Sunday. I'd love the chance to kick-back with family for any occassion. People are in different places in their lives, it's natural.
And asking "Does she not like us?" is pretty obnoxious.
The good thing is that he does stand up for me, he simply let's them know that I cannot be there, he does not feel that it is necssary to explain why I cannot make, just that I can't.