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Parent rant
There are two problems here, both are related (haha!). My husband and I have been married a little over a year now, and we have begun discussing the timing of starting our family. We might start trying for a baby in a little over a year. So, what's the problem? My parents.
Since the day I moved out on my own - over 10 years ago - I have had to maintain communication with my parents. They never call - seriously. Actually, they call with bad news, like the time my youngest brother impregnated his girlfriend, or the time my mom called to tell me my dad needed emergency surgey... in a message... on my cell and she never returned my panicked calls after (had to find out from my brother several hours later that my dad was fine). Anyway, for years I have been the one to call them and visit them. It gets exhausting trying to maintain a relationship on my own. They don't seem to be interested in me as a person. My husband returned from deployment a few months ago and my parents never called or even sent an email! They also never asked how he, or I, were doing while he was deployed.
My concern is that this behavior on their part hurts me. I refuse to allow this to hurt my future children. My nephew (from my youngest brother) is shared in legal and physical custody between my parents and the boy's mother. They dote on my nephew as if he were the kid they never had (we are a blended family and my parents couldn't afford to have a child of their own; the nephew is from my step-mom's son, but I don't call her my step-mom). My sister (biological sister from my dad's first marriage) also has a son. She has gone through the very concerns I have - she constantly struggles to get my parents involved in her kid's life, and she only lives a couple hours from them! I live across the country and will never live close by because my husband is in the military. So, my parents are barely active in my sister's kid's life. Problem #1 - how do I tell my parents that if they don't start working on their end of the relationship that I will not involve them at all in my life going forward - including any future children I have?
Problem #2 - I don't trust my mom. Recent evidence: I sent belated birthday gifts to both of my nephews after asking what gifts to purchase. My mom sent me a list of games and I ordered them on Amazon the day I received the list. The items shipped within a week. I never heard anything from my parents... no thanks for the gifts or even acknowledgement of receipt. I chalked it up to them not communicating, per usual (this has happened with gifts in the past). Fast forward 3 months and my parents actually visited my sister and her kid. They noticed the toy I bought her kid and my mom made a comment that I never got my other nephew a toy... that she sent an email to me and I never responded or bought anything. She then goes on to say that I am favoring one child over the other. My sister relays this to me in a phone call the other day; I became very upset. I found the email confirmation of the order and forwarded it to my parents asking them to confirm delivery of the gift. My account was charged and delivery confirmed via Amazon. In my email I told them I would check with Amazon about a refund and see what could be done, but I knew the whole time that my mom was lying. Turns out I was right. She responded a few hours later with a short email stating they had received the games but she thought she had ordered them! WTF?! Really? She asks me to forgive her, that she suffers from old age (she isn't even 50 yet). Nevermind that she has been telling people I am a bad daughter and favor one nephew over the other. How did she not realize she wasn't charged for the games? They weren't cheap (Leapster games). How could she really think that the very games she listed to me in an email, and arrive within a week, could come from some ghost order?
So, disinterested third party out there, am I over-reacting to the situation? Is it worth it to try and work things out with my parents? My husband and I are trying to decide if we should spend the time and money to go visit my parents for Christmas...
Re: Parent rant
So, um... WHY do you want to have a relationship with these people?
Personally, I'd let the relationship die... but it sounds like it died a long time ago... so I'd take it off life support.
Do you honestly expect their behavior to change by the time you have a baby? Do you expect their behavior to change EVER?
Take 'em (as they are- they probably won't change) or leave 'em.
I'd stop making so much of an effort. Send the kids gifts if you want to, but get things that you can physically ship yourself. Address the gift to the kid (not the parent or grandparent). Put delivery confirmation on it. If they're old enough, call the kid to see if they got it.
My advice is going to sound very simplistic, but I know it isn't a simple thing: you need to take the facts of the situation (how your parents act, how much/ how little effort they put into maintaining a relationship with you, etc.), and figure out how to adjust your expectations and actions so that you are at peace with the situation.
For some people, that would mean continuing to try and do and so forth and just taking their joy from the act of calling or trying to connect, instead of needing or expecting reciprocation or mutual effort. For some people, that would mean scaling back their level of involvement and contact to a point where they felt they were "in touch" but not feeling the burden of making all the contact- a short phone call monthly or just on certain holidays, etc. For some people, that would mean simply not contacting them and letting the relationship fizzle, and filling their lives instead for people who put effort into maintaining a relationship with them. I don't know what the right answer will be for you- and you may not know what the right answer is for you until you've tried a few different things.
From there, your future children will take their cues from you. And as they get older, it's okay for them to hear, "I always wished I was closer to my parents- this is the best I can do with the situation as it is, but that doesn't mean that this is the relationship I would choose to have with my parents."
I'm sorry. I know this isn't much of a helpful or easy answer.
it seems like you have this "idea" in your mind of what a family needs to be and how parents/grandprants should act.
Your parents dont live up to your idea. So, you have the ability as an adult to keep banging your head against the wall, or just to accept them as they are.
If you dont trust or respect them i am baffled as to why you are so worried about your unborn child relationship with them. I dont get the threat either, it doesnt sound like it would matter to themand i doubt youd follow through on the threat anyway.
#1 - How do you tell them? That's simple- with words, either spoken or written. But I think your real question is, "How do I get them to change ... to start working on their end of the relationship that [unless they do change] I will not involve them at all in my life going forward - including any future children I have?" That's an entirely different nut. And unfortunately one you cannot crack. Ever. You cannot change them or make them into the parents you want for yourself or grandparents you want for your future children. The good news is that you CAN find people in your life right now who can be firends and a support ... and a support with any would-be children. If not by blood, but by desire and a true spirit of family.
#2 - Only she can build trust with you. You can't do it for her. Sorry. She sounds a bit mean and self involved. You can't change that.
And on a side note, it's not healthy that your parents have usurped their son's role in his child's life. Sure, it might offer some measure of stability for the child and a second chance at parenthood for the grandparents but it is NOT good for the child, at all. It sounds like the child is meeting their needs more than they are meeting his. I'm not kidding, is there some mental or physical reason why your brother can't parent? Some reason your parents haven't taken the temporary role of meeting their grandchildn's needs while working to strengthen his FATHER to be a father?
Or is it just too much fun to parent "the child they never had" to bother?
No advice but I will tell you my/DH's story.
DH's father was the same type as your parents. He would never call, never come to a birthday party (he lives 20 minutes away by car, but didn't even go to his grandchildren's party in the same town around 1 mile away). Part of it was b/c he felt as the father/patriarch people should come to him, part of it was b/c his wife (dh's stepmom) wasn't interested in any child or grandchildren apart from her bio-kids (he did go to DH's 1/2 sisters children's parties).
When DD was around 2 years old, we got sick of the situation (as well as many other things) and DH cut FIL out of our lives. To be honest, the fact that FIL never tried made it that much easier - - we never were made to feel guilty, never had any confrontations.
DD (and now DS) knows that daddy has a dad "but he lives far away." She has a great relationship with my mom and dad, and doens't "miss" her paternal grandfather. Not having him in her life is "normal" for her. So many kids her age don't have grandparents anyway, or their grandparents live far away....or aren't involved in their lives for other reasons (some are still working FT jobs!) it's not as if she feels left out of some "two sets of grandparents" club.
Your DD will take her cues from you. Obviously, you are upset, jealous and angry at the current situation. You need to get over it! You also need to stop beating your head against a brick wall to get your parents to notice you and care about you. Don't waste your time visiting them at Christmas "b/c they are family." You seem to be miserable every time you interact with them! Stay at home and be happy.
We have never told DD "your grandpa doesn't give a darn about you...but it's his loss." We just say he lives far away and is sick and can't drive. If you tell your children "oh, you have a grandma and grandpa, but they live so far away" they will accept that.
I don't think they are going to change, if they haven't already. They dote on the one nephew because they're the ones raising him along with his mom (where is your brother in this boy's life, if you don't mind my asking?). If they pay no mind to your sister's son, chances are they won't pay much mind to your future children either. I'd stop making such a big effort to involve them because you can't force something that doesn't want to be.
If you want to keep sending gifts to your brother's son for birthdays and Christmas, take the advice of PP and address it to HIM, not your parents, and ship it yourself so she doesn't "claim" to think she was the one who ordered it (that was a doozy - old age my azz, that's just ignorance!).
And ditto Wahoo- your child will take his/her cues from YOU about your parents.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Just remember, if you distance yourself, it doesn't have to be forever.
DH had cut his dad out of his life, and recently reunited with him. Our kids had not seen FIL in almost 6 years (and didn't remember him), but went to visit him at the hospital over the summer. They knew that (their) daddy had a daddy all along, and never questioned why they hadn't seen him until this summer.
Ditto to all those who say your kids will take their cues from you.