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Can I vent?
I don't normally do really personal info on the boards, but I just feel really blah and can't shake it. It's going to be long...sorry.
Last summer, my mother had a complete break down and was diagnosed bi-polar. They have since changed the diagnoses from bi-polar to PTSD from some awful crap in her childhood that went undiagnosed and untreated for 50 years. I spent 20 some odd years living with a mother that was BRILLIANT at playing the victim. Every little thing you did could be twisted into some horrible ordeal or some way in which you had wronged her. She was so paranoid and so convinced that we didn't love her enough or were out to get her somehow.
My normal teenage inclination to not want my mother hanging out around my friends was turned into gigantic battles in which she would scream at me and berate me for being rude (all while said friends could hear from the other room). I just stopped inviting people over. It wasn't worth it.
Beyond the age of 12 or so, my father pretty much stopped having
extended private time with me because she was convinced that he was
actively trying to turn me against her. Nothing I did was ever good
enough. I was never respectful enough or courteous enough.
Through it all, we still had a good relationship when she was stable. It's so hard to explain. I know she loved me. We had a lot of fun together and talked and were close. You just never knew what was going to set her off. It was always so random.
I honestly had no idea how much it had affected me until the diagnoses last year. Suddenly, she had a reason for her insanity and actually got be a victim instead of just playing one. It sounds horrible, but I was actually mad that she was getting help because it meant that she had an excuse for how horribly she had treated me (not that I believe she'll ever realized it happened).
I started going to counseling but stopped when I had Ethan. I think I'm going to start again. I still just have so much anger over it. I was talking to my brother last night, and he mentioned that she had freaked out on him over the phone. And the other night my father called asking me to not post pictures to his FB wall unless I post them on hers as well because she'll freak on him that I love him more than her. I am just stewing over it today. I can't stop, and I just want to sit down and cry and there is really no reason as none of this has any direct affect on me any more. I don't live there. She can't yell at me or punish me in any way, but I'm still just emotionally a wreck any time anything happens.
So yeah, I don't know if this made any sense, and I hope I'm not painting a picture that I hate my mother or anything like that. I'm really just trying to work through how I feel. I may delete this later. I doubt that she has any idea this site even exists, but if she somehow found this it would be hell to pay for my dad.
Re: Can I vent?
Does she know you've been in therapy? Does she have any idea how this has effected everyone around her? i think it's time to open that can of worms for your own sake.
Your dad is an adult. Stop protecting him from something that can't be controlled. i'd guess that part of the reason this went undiagnosed for so long was because no one was willing to stand up to her. Brushing things under the rug in order to keep the peace only works for so long.
Are your parents still together?
I think counseling sounds like a good idea. It's hard to figure out how to let yourself be angry at a person you also love very much. That's complicated.
I'm sorry Buddha. I think it's normal to be so affected by her reactions, whether you are removed from the situation or not. She is still your mother, and even when you know her reactions to things are irrational and unfair at best you will still dwell on them because you want her to just be normal/happy for you/happy in general/ less sensitive, etc. If that makes sense.
I think talking through this with someone is the best thing you can do for yourself, it is hard to not make her problems your problems
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That sounds really difficult. I don't think it's true that this stuff doesn't have a direct affect on you -- it clearly does since the dynamic between you and your dad, and you and your mother is affected by her behavior. I wonder if your therapist will suggest (or maybe he or she already has) a discussion with your mom about this.
I know you're in counseling, and not looking for suggestions, but I have a friend who as an adult had a hard time dealing with her mother's mental illness. She would go to group meetings for friends and family of people with mental illness that I think were sponsored by the local chapter of NAMI.
I'm sorry you're feeling this way! As the daughter of a crazy mother, I totally feel your pain and strongly encourage you going back to therapy. One of my biggest issues with my mom is the anger I feel toward her for the abuse she inflicted on me as a kid. I was so powerless then...I couldn't tell her that how she treated others was not okay. This is generally what I still work through in therapy.
I also understand your feelings surrounding her dx - like it absolves her of responsibility for her actions - after all, how could be be held responsible when she's got this diagnosed disorder, right? That would drive me batty.
My mom always played the, 'sorry I was so crazy when you were growing up, but it's not my fault!!! I was raised by crazy people' card. That still annoys me to no end - the buck has to stop somewhere and you've got to take some responsibility for the strained relationships you caused. Lady, you reap what you sow.
Oh, and I forgot to add understanding the mixed emotions. One thing I learned in therapy that I really didn't understand was that different, and oftentimes contradictory, emotions can coexist. You can love your mom and really value your relationship and still be really angry with her. Emotions are tough.
I honestly think at this point my dad is so beaten down by it all that it's not worth it to him to say anything. It's easier to just sit through the fit than say something that will cause a bigger fit.
She's always been open to answering questions if I had any about her treatment/therapy/whathaveyou. I just haven't wanted to really know. I have tried to talk to him about getting help for himself, but right now he thinks they can't really afford it on top of all the costs her treatment has incurred.
I don't want to actively confront her over anything and do not want to do anything to make his life worse, but I have told him that I will not passively take it if she starts a tirade in my presence. I'm not going to pretend she's being reasonable if she's nor. Nor will I ever again apologize for something I didn't do.
It hasn't been an issue yet because she's generally pretty level headed with me now. I think Ethan has served as a great buffer.
Oh dear. I completely understand. My mom got the PTSD diagnosis over the winter and while it was a relief (I no longer have the stress of wondering if tonight's the night I find her hanging from her ceiling fan! No more begging her to get some help or looking into what it takes to have someone voluntarily committed!) I get the mixed emotions. I was just talking about this in therapy yesterday.
I don't have any other advice that hasn't been given, but I've been there. If I didn't know any better, I'd swear we had the same mother. The paranoia, the nothing is ever good enough, the loneliness. It definitely directly effects you. I hope you can find the balance you need.
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Buddha, sorry you are dealing with this. I understand the whole "I love my mom/I hate my mom" thing. My mom is bi-polar, diagnosed when I was a teen. The lies and shiit I dealt with growing up has led me to know longer believe anything she says. At all. She is infinitely better on meds, but I am super guarded around her. I feel like we are close, but there are some things I just don't talk about with her. I also feel guilty because her meds seem to finally be helping (but maybe not, they got foreclosed on AGAIN recently), but I hate that the meds make her zombie-ish.
Anyway, that was a rambling mess. Point is, I think I can understand how you feel.
OH. And the protecting your dad thing. My parents are still married and I would do anything in my power to stop my dad from being hurt, regardless if he is an adult or not, so I feel you there as well.
I'm sorry, Buddha. That has to be tough.
Don't feel bad for having conflicted emotions. I learned a long time to never feel bad for my emotions. You can't control them, and they are all valid. You can only control how you respond to them, and you seem to be doing all you can, short of confronting your mother, to deal with your feelings so that you can move on to a healthier relationship.
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I'm so sorry you're dealing with this Buddha. I am glad you're getting back into counseling.
I don't think you need to feel bad about anything you're feeling. If you think she's using it as an excuse for her behavior, that's your right. Obviously it is still affecting you, and you get to be upset about that.
I can totally understand your mixed feelings. In my last session I told my therapist I felt guilty because I felt like I was telling her my dad was awesome and my mom sucked, and it's not that simple. My mom is awesome too, we just have a harder relationship.
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I'm so sorry Buddha, I completely understand how you are feeling.
My dad is bi-polar and we went through a hellish time together when I was a kid too. Same sh!t... I would walk too loudly, if I got a B then why wasn't it an A... even one time he was waiting to use the bathroom and he yelled at me from outside the door for "peeing weird" (I kid you not). The worst was that he is also a great conversationalist, a real people person (you know the type who can make friends in line at the grocery store)... so he would go out and all these people would think he was great, but they didn't have to deal with him during his bad time (because he didn't go out then!).
Thankfully he got help, and now we have a good relationship (being out of the house and not under his directive anymore is a HUGE help with that). But I also went through the times of really hating him because I felt like he used his illness to be an a$$whole to us in his family. I agree that therapy is a great way to work through the conflicting emotions, and also a good way to gather "tools" for dealing with your mom.
Good luck!
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Yes. She's the same way and has seriously never met a stranger which was doubly bad for me as I am a mega introvert that does NOT like talking to people I don't know. I wanted to melt through the floor while out in public with her as a child.
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Love to you, dude. Feelings are so complex. Don't feel bad or weird for having mixed feelings. That's some heavy shhit.
I have to add some more of the same. One of the biggest issues I dealt with in therapy was that I had a lot of trouble separating what was due to a mental illness that J could not control and how much was him using that illness to justify bad behavior (this also includes acting the way he'd always gotten away with). It's not 100% one or the other, that I know for sure.
I really hope that counseling helps you to deal with this and helps you to realize that you have a right to feel the way you do, conflicted and all. I know that you are doing the right thing by pursuing your own wellness here, for your sake and your family's sake.
Also, someone here once recommended this book to me. I read a sample of it but never bought it so I can't say for sure, but I remember she said it was a lifesaver for her family.
http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Someone-Bipolar-Disorder-ebook/dp/B003ODHNJQ/ref=sr_1_1_oe_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1287716855&sr=8-1