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First Christmas with kids... dreading Christmas at home
Here's a doozy for you ladies!
We are planning to fly home for Christmas so that our families can meet our twins ( the first time for most of our family ). We live in England, all of our immediate family members live in the same city - because we are bringing our twin girls "home" for the holiday we have more family flying in on both sides to spend the holiday there with us. So all of our families are planning on big Hallmark Family Christmases with us. Here's the problem.
MIL lives on her own. Her mother died and this will be her second Christmas on her own. She flew out to meet the twins when they were born.
FIL and his Commonlaw partner can't fly out to see us because he can't leave the country. (Whiskey + phone book = international incident )
Mother and Stepfather are having loads of family out to have Christmas this year because we are coming with the twins. We usually stay with them when we are in town. They have a bedroom set up for us with our old stuff and have bought pretty much a full on nursery set for the twins that is set up at their house.
Father and Stepmother haven't yet met the twins. Stepmother has issues with my father's family and is sick/injured/on death's door every time a family event comes up and they end up skipping it. If they do by some effing miracle attend a family event things get awkward, fast.
Grandparents ( my side ) - raised me as a child until the age of 10. I'm like their 4th child more than their granddaughter and my uncle is flying out to spend Christmas with us and my grandparents.
Here's where it gets to be like that old riddle with the people trying to cross a river on a raft:
Father and Stepmother cannot be counted on to attend Christmas at Grandparents.
Uncle is specifically flying in to spend Christmas with us, Grandparents and twins. Favourite Uncle.
MIL and FIL cannot spend the holiday together.
Mother and Stepfather want to dominate our time and will insist that we spend Christmas with them.
MIL cannot host us at her house because it is filthy and we will not be bringing the kids there.
Mother will not have Grandparents or Father at her house for Christmas.
All 5 sets of parents will throw an absolute fit if we don't have Christmas with them. Christmas morning with the twins seems to be the big ticket item.
And DH doesn't understand why I'm dreading this next trip "home".
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
Re: First Christmas with kids... dreading Christmas at home
Well, to the concept of "all parents will have a fit", too bad. they are grown-ups and they know perfectly well that you can't be at all places at one time.
Figure out what works best for you. For one, make it clear to everyone that "Christmas" will be the entire time you are there. As in, you will have to have celebrations w/ everyone throughout your visit as it can't all be on ONE day.
Then figure out a schedule that you think will work best for you. For wherever you have room to invite people, do so. For people like your dad and SM, all you can do is invite them. If they dont' come, they dont' come. You simply can't worry about that.
But seriously- focus on what works best for the 4 of you. Not your mom, not your grandparents, not your MIL. the 4 of you and the 4 of you alone.
And just because your mom is set-up for you all to be at her house, that doesn't mean you HAVE to be. If it's truly the most convienent, then sure, stay there. But set clear expectaitions w/ her. You will be there for X0mas morning, but you'll be out and about over your entire stay to see other people (for example).
Or if staying somewhere else (even a hotel) would be best, then do it!
I honestly wouldn't hesitate to be saying to people "We have a lot of family to visit during our stay. We really need to ask that everyone respect this and work with us as we try to see everyone. We don't need guilt trips if we can't do things exactly as you want us to do. We need support.".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
My head is spinning. That was a lot to take in.
Anyhow, I say stay in a hotel, spend Christmas eve with half of the sets of parents and spend Christmas day with the other half. That way you get to see everyone so nobody can throw a fit, and no one will get jealous over whose house you sleep.
I'm just going to comment on this because based on your backstory with your mother, this seems to be the most important piece of information (to me) in your post.Your mother does not run your life and you're the one who is giving her the power to have control over you. Really - you need to stop. The more you do it and cave into her wishes/demands, the more she is going to continue to do it.
Your whole post is about catering to you and your DH's family for Christmas. I suggest you take a hard look at yourself and YOUR family (your DH and new twins) and decide what is best for your family and stop worrying about pleasing your now extended family. Your DH and girls have got to come first, you could drive yourself crazy trying to please all these people at the expense of your own family.
This is exactly why we implemented the "We don't go ANYWHERE on Christmas" rule. If people want to see us and our children on Christmas they are welcome to stop by and with fair warning I may actually cook something to share with them but I will NOT drag my children all over God's green earth to make sure everyone else is happy.
We also have an awkward family, stepfamily, etc set up and honestly they are all adults and if they can't get along with everyone and be civil for a few hours every now and again then they don't have to participate. I am not going to parent our parents.
Good luck with all of this.
All of your cannot's and will not's are really "They chose not to". Keep that in mind.
This is why I say to put it out there - tell them ahead of time "We need support. We have a lot of people to see and as we can't do it all at once, we need support and understanding." just to make everyone realize that you all have needs in this. I think people get so caught up in how they normally do things that they lose site that there are other ways to handle things, and that (more importantly) there are other people involved.
By putting it out there ahead of time, it's going to force everyone to realize that you all don't live in their bubble. It may not necessarily solve the entire issue, but it will make it easier in the moment for you to say "As I told you before, we have other commitments.".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
The item bolded above is the funniest part of this whole thing. Christmas morning with a 4 or 5 yr old, when they know Santa is coming and they see all the gifts, is a joyous and fun experience. Christmas morning with twin newborns is more about bottles and spitting up and diaper changes and time for their nap. You might want to remind some of these folks that.
I agree with PPs - You need to communicate to family that the entire visit is deemed "Christmas". You let them know where you will be and when they can see you. If your Mom wants to monopolize Christmas day, she better be prepared to share the day and host the various other family members. But you need to dictate the schedule, especially to your mom. You need to think about what schedule and arrangements make the most sense for the babies (who will have to adjust to the time zone change - good luck with that!)
Then, don't care when they pout or get hurt. A few references to King Solomon and cutting the babies in half might get the message through.
This is one scenario where it is good to have twins -- more babies to pass around!
And just to be helpful, I'll recommend hosting and/or meeting at a hotel restaurant/buffet for a Christmas brunch or lunch or something. Do they still do "tea"?
You might be surprised that there are several nice options around Christmas for a 'neutral territory" of sorts for a meet and great and picture with the twins.
I honestly dread having children for this exact reason. Even now, I almost lose my mind over the course of the three days, and DH's parent's are (thankfully) not split. We still have 4 family groups to celebrate with though.
My brother, sister, and I laid down the rules about 3 years ago - this Christmas would be your golden opportunity to do the same. We divided Christmas into 4 time periods - Christmas Eve, Christmas Morning, Christmas Evening, and Boxing Day Evening.
I'm lucky in that my Father's family has decided to stick and stay with having a family dinner on Boxing Day evening. The other three we organize (my brother and sister and I) in advance and tell them when we will be showing up and leaving to go to the next event. IL's are easy since they like celebrating on Christmas Eve. They also do a big New Year's Day dinner and celebrate Little Christmas, so DH and I basically told them a couple of years ago that if they expect us to attend all that over the course of 2 weeks that we will NEVER be at their house on Christmas Day for dinner. We see enough of them as is.
So I work out my Grandparents and my Mother on Christmas Day. We sometimes drop in on my Dad and the IL's to say HI, since they all live within 20k of each other (oh high school sweethearts), but I doubt we will do that once we have babies.
I hope this helps. Dividing things up and setting the rules of what we would and wouldn't do helped immensely. 3 years later everyone is used to it and no one gripes. If they did, I might not show up - oh well.
Also with respect to this whole "so and so can't be with so and so"... Yes, they can. At some point in their lives they will have to. There will be weddings, funerals, graduations, birthdays, etc. where they will have to co-exist pleasantly for a period of up to 4 hours. May as well get them used to it. Grandchildren should trump drama, and if they don't, the consequence is no Grandchildren.
Married Bio
This. Also, Tofu - you are the mommy now. It's your job to make sure that Christmas works for your babies, not for anyone else. When you decided to be a mother, you opted out of the ability to make their Christmas hell or even unpleasant to accomodate your need to have a relationship with your Mom.
In other words, it's time to step up and make choices and tell - not ask - your family what works for you.
Is it THAT necessary that you fly home for Christmas? For your/DH's vacation or work schedule?
I ask b/c if you chose a week / weekend that didn't include the holiday, I think there would be a lot less fighting. The hotel rates would also be cheaper as well! If parents/grandparents are retired, they should have no problem with a week-day visit.
Aside from that, you've gotten great advice. Put YOURSELF and your kids' first. Let the chips fall where they may as far as your family is concerned. If people complain, just say "I"m sorry you feel that way. We're going the best we can and we can't accomodate everyone."
I think this makes a lot of sense.
I also might vote for, at least in future years, traveling a different week, as a pp suggested. It will be cheaper and Christmas is crazy enough. An overseas flight with young twins at that hectic time of year does not sound appealing to me.
Congrats on the babies! What are their sexes?
I have to agree it seems like a lot of your family is stuck on a lot of old issues and are sort of acting like children ?I don?t want to sit next to her? kind of thing. Perhaps you need to get everyone on the phone and start telling people how you feel and if they can?t work out their issues then they might have to miss out on meeting your children.
oh wow. that's insane. i say drop the twins off christmas night with mom and go out and get a few good stiff drinks after all of this!
hope you can work it out somehow. dont' let the 'have a fit' and 'pouters' ruin your holiday. plan what's best for the 4 of you.
Amen.
It's harder because it's not 'your' house, so you'e not the ones hosting. But these people CAN choose to be grown ups.
I've told the story before but I remember my mom, standing in the kitchen, not realizing I could hear her, calling to tell her parents about our school play. What I heard had lines like "Yes, we would love to have you, we're all meeting here at X:00 and then we'll be back at our house for dinner at Y:00.....No, you still cannot smoke in the house....It's not negotiable dad. If you want to smoke, you can come to the school play and go directly home, you don't have to come to non-smoking dinner.
....Yes, mom was invited....No, I'm not tellig you if she's coming or not, she's invited. She may or may not show up--but if NOT seeing your ex-wife is more important to you tahn seeing your granddaughter's play, then by all means, don't come. "
And then she changed the subject, hung up and had the same conversation (replace smoking issues w/ food issues) w/ her mother.
You can't make your mom host people she doesn't want to host...but you CAN see the neutral people and ask them to host and make it clear that the difficult people can either show up and be adults or not see the kiddos. And you can host in your own hotel room/wherever.
I just wanted to chime in that just b/c your mom has a "perfect set up" for the kids doesn't mean you should feel obligated to go there - to please her and make her expenses worthwhile, or for the sake of your kids. My sister slept in a dresser drawer once when my parents were on vacation and they had no other alternatives. You can purchase "pack n plays" inexpensively (around $60 each) and have the kids sleep in them - - that's what I used for my kid when we went to my parents lakehouse every summer. Kidko makes something called a Peapod which is an inflatable baby bed. Or something similar (of course, shop around to make sure you are comfortable with something, it seems safe, etc. - but there ARE alternatives!).
I would not spend Christmas with anyone who "refuses" to host anyone else. So I think that means you should stay with your grandparents. It will just make a bigger headache for you. As someone who has had two children, you do NOT want to spend your holidays running from one house to the next...even if they are close. It is a HUGE PITA and it is MUCH easier for people to come to you. Plus it's better for the baby's schedule. And if they refuse to see the baby because YOU, the new parent, the person who travelled all the way from the UK, the twin children can't accomodate THEM, well...that's on them!
So you and your two children and your dh have to travel at the busiest time of the year, facing delays and days on airplanes and in airports, to come to see a bunch of people who all refuse to acknowledge the immutable laws of physics and instead insist on seeing you at the precise same time, alone, at different locations, or else you'll be punished with their anger and disapproval.
And you have to undertake this exercise in futility because otherwise you'll be punished with their anger and disapproval. And you have to succeed in satisfying each them in this exercise in futility otherwise you'll be punished with their anger and disapproval. And instead of laughing ruefully, telling them all how the cow is going to eat the cabbage, and making plans that work best for you, you're actually going to attempt to succeed in this exercise in futility in which you KNOW you will fail. Of course you feel sick at heart.
You and dh need to sit down and make your plans. Then, you need to email everyone, at once, all togehter and TELL them what those plans are. Those plans should be those that suit you best and work best for your infant children. If they don't have email, send them all the exact same letter. Anyone who doesn't like the plan, or who threatens to boycott the plans, or who issues ultimatums over whether they'll attend if so and so attends, your response should be "I am so sorry you feel that way; we'll miss you. I hope we can see you next time". You do not cater to 'I won't be in the same room with That Man' drama.
You are behaving as though these people are your puppet masters; that you have no control over who is yanking you from here to there, or where you'll go, or what you'll do. Well suck it up and take control of your own life here; and do not let your holiday become a nightmare. Practicing firm control over your own life is good parenting for your kids.
My suggestion is to get a room at a hotel for at least a duration of your stay. Call a few hotels and ask if there is a common area (large lobby, place where the complementary breakfast buffet is served, etc) that is open and free to use during one of the days or evenings. Then invite all of your family and friends to visit you on one day/evening during your stay. It's neutral ground. If you stage it like an open house ("we'll be here from 12-4 that day, stop by") then those that refuse to be in the same room together can, on their own, coordinate who is there at what time. Perhaps you host some soda or other beverages and ask people to bring snacks or a dish to share. We did something like that a day or so before our wedding for out of town guests to make sure we had time to talk with them all and it worked out really well.
I agree with the others that you really need to make sure you are looking out for what is best for you, your DH, and your twins. Set an itinerary before you leave and email it out to everyone ahead of time. If at all possible, this first trip back would probably be much easier if you did not come over a major holiday.
Good luck on your decisions and your trip. Congrats on your twins!
I'm firmly in the "get a hotel room" camp. Call them up and say "We'll be here at this time if you want to see us." You're the ones flying across a fcuking ocean with two babies; if they can't drive a few miles or be civil for an hour or two, that's their problem. Don't choose to make it your problem.
I understand wanting to please everyone but you're really in a difficult situation whatever you choose.
There are some people that will be discounted because they won't make any effort at all or can't - this means father and stepmother and FIL and his common law partner. Arrange to see them on Boxing day or Christmas Eve or any other day around that time.
Your grandparents raised you and your favourite uncle is making a specific trip to spend Christmas with you, DH and your twins. Ask your grandparents if you can also invite your MIL and spend Christmas morning/breakfast with them.
Then have Christmas dinner at your mother's place with all the other relatives. You can make it sound like you are organising it this way for your mother's benefit - you are giving her the whole day to prepare the Christmas meal and you are closer to their cots for when the babies are tired and need to go to sleep.
Good luck with this. Please keep us updated.
Thank you so much for all of your responses and for weighing in on our dilemma. The problem has more or less sorted itself out in that we can't afford to go home for Christmas anyway ( it would cost us about 6500 CAD without including any spending money or gifts for anyone - we need to get passports and visas ( to get back into the UK ) for our girls at a cost of nearly 2000 GBP before we can leave the UK )
So MIL emailed us yesterday starting the guilt trip early because we had mentioned to her that we might not be able to afford to come home for Christmas - she had already booked holidays from work and "needed an answer from us tomorrow because her manager wants her to swap it with someone else". (cue massive eye-roll). I emailed her back saying that we cannot plan our holidays and finances around anyone's work schedule so she needs to make that decision on her own, we wouldn't even know if we can make it back until very last minute anyway. ( if visas come back in time for the girls )
So MIL started getting all upset ( of course ) saying that we should just increase the limit on our credit card ( we're at a balance of 0 and a limit of 300 GBP - we prefer to pay cash for things ) or borrow the money.
So we're probably just going to stay here, we invited MIL to join us for Christmas (we're planning to put out the invitation to everyone, but she would be the only one to take us up on our offer ) have a nice relaxing holiday at "home" with our little family and go home in the spring when the flights are cheaper, we've been able to save a bit more, there will be no fighting over stupid dates and DH can go fishing with the boys.
I also don't mind missing out on the -40 degree Christmas weather! Mwah ah ha ha ha!
Thank you for all of your insights and advice - you're right, Christmas is about us and our family now and if our families are so hell bent on spending it with us they can fly themselves over here this year!
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk