Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
How Do I Explain To My Son...
My father and I no longer speak. Long story short, he and my mom had a rather nasty divorce (to put it nicely, he REALLY disrespected my mother after she dedicated 20 years of her life soley to him), his mother disrespected my mother, we had a huge arguement, and now my father doesn't speak to me because he thinks I disrespected his mother.
My son is 18 months now, but when he gets older and starts asking about his grandfather, how will I explain to him that my father decided to exclude us from his life? I don't want to lie to him, but I also don't want to hurt him....
Re: How Do I Explain To My Son...
Honestly, if your father isn't a part of your life, I'm not sure how much your son really will ask! In your small world - if YOU dont' make issue of it, your son may never think twice about it.
Also, there are SO many different variations of what makes up a family now. There really is no standard and even once he starts going to school and starts finding out about other kids families, there may never be that realization that "Huh, I don't know my granddad".
BUT - lets say it does come to his attention in some way or another. While young, I would keep it very simple. "Well, my dad hasn't been a part of my life for a long time. That's why you don't see him.". He questions "doesn't he love you? (or) doesn't he love me?" - "Well, honey, I can't speak to how he feels about me or you"
and then you just need to explain to your son that every person is different and every family is different. While his best friend has 2 grandmom's and 2 granddads, not everyone does. There isn't anything wrong - it's just a different way that families are made up.
The less of an issue YOU make of it, the less he'll be concerned about it. however, as he gets older, if there is a need to discuss it again, you can start to be more honest about the situation.
You don't have to lie, but you also don't have to tell him the full story, especially if he's at an age where he may not fully understand.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
So, you're planning on holding on to this grudge for years? With no hope that:
a- Your father will come to his senses and make ammends, or
b- You will come to your senses and create a bridge for your father to cross and re-connect.
Sure, I get your point of "what if" it never gets resolved. But I wonder if you're spending equal (if any) time time thinking about how you CAN resolve it. At least resolve it in a few years. If with nothing better than a short note to either your mom or dad or even grandma saying, "Today, my son asked me why I don't talk with my father. And I couldn't give him a really good reason. There has been a lot of hurt feelings on both sides, I wonder if we could start talking again." Or you could just tell your son that your father is a bad man and you chose not to have him in your life. Simple.
ITA
The fact that he lives out of the country makes it even easier. "Granddad lives in __ and because he's so far away, we're not very close."
Not a single lie in that....
But really, it's a bridge to cross when you come to it.
On a side note, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I'm sure it's hard when our parents aren't the people we want them to be.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10