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WWYD? Funeral
My DH's grandma passed away this morning. We are estranged from his family(parents, one brother, and his grandparents) and his grandma was not always the most pleasant person to me. Her funeral is on Monday, and I'm wondering if I should go. I know it will be awkward, but my main concern is that my presence will make things more stressful and uncomfortable to his family. Without going into it too much, his parents and grandparents had some issues with our marriage because of different religions/cultures. His brother has always just been an ass.
At his grandpa's funeral a few years ago, his brother ended up cussing me out in front of everyone because we already had plans for his birthday weekend. It was pretty mortifying. I last saw his grandma and parents last year at an event for my husband, and they hardly acknowledged me - it was tense enough that people who didn't know our history were asking why his parents wouldn't talk to me.
My DH is going and he says he would understand either way if I go or not. I want to be supportive. We get along with the rest of the family. It is just his immediate family we have problems with. Honestly, I will be uncomfortable but that's not it - I want his family to be able to grieve without feeling tense that I am there. One side says to suck it up, but will I make it worse?
Would you go?
Re: WWYD? Funeral
That seems like a very tough situation. I personally would not go. If it created tension and drama at the last funeral then I wouldn't want to create it at this one. Plus I just wouldn't want to be in the same area as his parents or brother. It sounds like YH and you have talked this through and if he supports you not going then I wouldn't. Especially if it would make you uncomfortbale the whole time you were there.
Wow.
Does your H want you to go? How will you going (or not) affect his grieving?
If you're not there, will it cause more problems for your relationship with the IL's?
Wow. I know I don't know you IRL but I based on what I know of you on here, I am clueless as to why your in laws would treat you so terribly (meaning, you seem pretty great to me!).
With that being said...I am not sure what I would do. If it makes you uncomfortable to go, then don't go. At the same time, I think it is extremely important for you and your husband to present a united front. So..if you don't go, I don't think he should go either.
Honey, I'm in the same boat as you. I get along great with most of H's extended family, but I do NOT get along with his mom and sister. When my FIL died, I was practically engaged to H but still just his girlfriend. I was invited to the family stuff for the funeral because of my girlfriend status, but I didn't want to cause tension. So, I did all that by myself - I said good-bye privately, I sat with my parents at the funeral instead of with his family, and I dipped out before anyone could see me and cause a fight. H knew I was there to support, but I did it separated from everyone else. Maybe you could do that?
But, at the same time, I was really close to his dad - so I wanted to be there. If the situation will make you uncomfortable, I'd just stay home. I agree about the whole you both go or don't go thing...presenting a united front is so important.
I also don't get why they don't like you. I don't know you IRL, but you seem great. Sigh.
It seems that I am in the minority. But I say that you should go. The way I see it, is that I don't really see you regretting going. Yes, it might be uncomfortable, and afterwards you might think "oh.. I didn't have to go". But you will probably not regret it. However, if you think it is somehting that you could regret missing, than you should go.
I say don't sit with the family, don't go to the family lunch (if there's anything like that), I even say don't sit with your husband. Sit in the back and leave when it's over. Don't try to communicate with his family. Then, at least you can't say that you didn't try. KWIM? It's a very tough situation that I'm sorry you're put into.
I wouldn't go. I only go to funerals for people with whom I am close.
Without going into deep and depressing detail, my sister and I both opted out of going to our father's funeral. Neither of us regret the decision. Everyone there was probably happy with our absence.
You can be supportive without having to actually be at the funeral--flowers, donation to charity, doing something nice for the family, etc. and being supportive of your husband are all things you can do without attending that one event.
Sorry for the tough position you are facing. At first I was leaning towards not going because of these reasons, "my main concern is that my presence will make things more stressful and uncomfortable to his family and I last saw his grandma and parents last year at an event for my husband, and they hardly acknowledged me." I think it's sweet of you to be concerned about the family but I think you need to be more concerned with your husbands' feelings. I think at this point it's probably a damned if you do, damned if you don't type situation. I think they're going to talk about you if you're there and judge you for not being there, ykwim?
Then, I read this and changed my mind, "My DH is going and he says he would understand either way if I go or not. I want to be supportive. We get along with the rest of the family." If you want to be supportive go and have no regrets. If you get along with the other family sit by them during the funeral. Good luck.