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Help with appropriate comment to IL's
Our DS was born 5 ? months ago, and he is the first grandchild on both sides of our family. It?s great because everyone has been so excited about him, and wanting to be so involved, however, it has also been really overwhelming, because everyone wants to be involved in everything.
That said, the issue is that IL?s are currently frustrated with DH and I regarding the time they get to spend with DS. Normally, (before DS was born) we saw them about once a month or so, sometimes less, sometimes more if there were scheduled events going on (b-days, etc). They live about 45 minutes away from us.
As a side note, DH has a good relationship with both of his parents, and so do I, with the exception of normal minor annoyances here and there.
Since DS was born, IL?s have been all over us ? wanting to see him almost every other weekend, and for the month of August and Sept, it was every weekend, for random reasons. It was for different things - MIL?s birthday, DH and I had 3 weddings to attend where IL?s watched DS, we went to the beach with IL?s for half a week for vacation, to Baltimore for a whole weekend with them for a baseball game and a trip away, etc. The timing of all these things just fell right in a row. My MIL also watches DS at our house every Tuesday for us while we both work. There has been no skimping on the amount of time we?ve spent with them recently ? I?ve actually been looking forward to a (large) break from it all!
I went back to work full time in September, and had a really hard time adjusting at first. This was in the midst of seeing the IL?s every weekend. On the first weekend when DH and I finally had the weekend to ourselves with DS, IL?s asked to come over to visit. MIL actually asked me directly when I came home from work that Tuesday, and she was there watching DS. I told her we weren?t available, and was honest in saying that we were just looking forward to some much needed family time, just the three of us. She acted really offended when I said this. Then she asked about the following weekend. I told her we were booked with plans (we were), and said they?d see DS Oct 23 (this coming weekend), since they are watching him all day this Saturday for yet another wedding DH and I have. She got pissy with me, and said ?Well, FIL hasn?t seen DS in SOO long.? At that point, it had been 2 weeks. I was casual, and said, ?Oh, he?s seen DS plenty over the last couple of weekends, and he?ll get to spend all day with him Oct 23.? She was obviously pissed, but said fine, and left. All in all, from the last time FIL saw DS to this weekend has been 3 full weeks in between where he didn?t see him.
Since then, MIL made several comments to DH and I about how FIL hasn?t seen DS in SOOOO long, and has also been a bit standoff-ish to us as well. DH commented to her by stating that FIL has tons of vacation time saved up from his job that he never uses, and suggested his dad come to our house on a Tuesday with his mom to spend time with DS. He hasn?t.
So, IL?s are coming over tomorrow to watch DS for the entire day. FIL ALWAYS makes comments about things that bother him in a really passive aggressive way, such as (and we expect to hear something like this tomorrow), ?Well, it?s about time I was ALLOWED to come over and see my grandson.?
So, my question is, what is the best reply to comments like this? DH and I want it to be conveyed that most of the time, we won?t be seeing them every weekend as we had been (neither of us consider that normal). We?re fine with seeing them as we had previous to DS being born. DH is frustrated with this whole situation, and wants to spout off all the weekends FIL did see him, and make him realize he?s asking too much. I think DH should respond more casually (acting like it?s not a big deal hopefully would make it clear that?s this is just the norm for us), and say something like, ?We have so much going on in life, there?s no way we can always see you every weekend!?
Our goal is to try and let them know that these are the boundaries that we would like to have ? we don?t want this to become an every week occurrence of them asking to get together, and us declining, and them being angry all the time. Both IL?s can be overly sensitive, and I?d like to keep the peace since we do enjoy our relationship with them.
Any thoughts on the best way to react to any comments from FIL tomorrow to get the message across for the long haul?
Sorry so long for such a silly problem!
Re: Help with appropriate comment to IL's
"We offer many opportunities for the both of you to see ______________. In the past 30 days, there have been _________ opportunities. Whether or not you take us up on the offer is up to you." .
And really, so what if that's not good enough for them? You getting this concerned about it is giving them too much power in your life. Offer them what you can, but don't bend over backwards to please them.
For one, your DH needs to handle this. My take is to be honest and direct. Gentle, but direct. His dad makes a comment like that? I'd say something like
"I know we just went through a period where you saw DS a lot. We love that you all have a good relationship w/ him and we do want you to see him and spend time w/ him. However, I need for you to understand and respect that we have busy lives and we simply can't see you every weekend. we try to make as much time as we can for you to see him, but it just cannot be every weekend. I need to ask that you respect this.
It's actually a little hurtful that you all seem to think we do this on purpose. You both should know us well enough to know that we don't purposely try to keep you from seeing him. (i.e. throw a little guilt their way...). As we've said before, dad, you can always come w/ mom on Tuesdays if you really want to see DS. That's entirely in your control. Past that, though, again, I need to ask that you both resepct that we are busy and that we are doing the best that we can.".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I guess if it were me, I'd let them know that you're trying to figure out how to be a family of three, everything is new, and you have to be fair to everyone who wants to see your baby (including you!!). You're not trying to exclude them and you want them to be the loving doting grandparents you know that they want to be for your kiddo but back the freak off already!
They'll get their turn. ok, maybe not that last part.
Maybe something along the lines of "we absolutely want you to be a part of your grandbaby's life but we need to do it on our schedule that works for us as we figure out how to be a new family." would put it nicely and not give them an opportunity for rebuttal??
Karen - agreed. I told DH that once we say something and they know where we are coming from, if they are upset, that's their own problem. He agrees. We certainly aren't trying to keep DS away from them - they just need to give us some breathing space. I said to DH, he should say to MIL (since she wasn't a huge fan of her own IL's " Would you have wanted YOUR IL's over every weekend?" Haha, just kidding, but it's tempting!
I actually really like the part ECB said about mentioning being hurt that they would think that you're keeping your grandchild from them. if you can work that into the reply, it may help them see their behavior for what it is. But in the end, they have to understand that it's not all about them. They get to see the baby only when it works for you and your family, and it sounds like they're getting plenty of opportunities.
I have passive-aggressive family members as well. I usually reply "if you keep it up, it will be even longer before the next time you are ALLOWED to come over!"
I make it quite clear that nobody has a right to come over or visit. This works for me. It's kind of like pushing back a bully, IMO.
I totally get it.
We get this from both sides of the family. First off, it gets better. You'll hit a stride that you like and they'll adjust their expectations. So, first - it DOES get better.
What I found REALLY helpful by way of responding to the exact same comments was:
1- Not not engage and convince that they they have had TONS of time together
2- Not solve their feelings of entitlement of seeing DS more by adjusting and ramping-up my schedule more. Becuase, frankly that is a bottom-less pit of need. Its' never enough time together. Just a question - while you were spending all of those back-to-back weekends together, did they ever say (even once) "Boy this is a LOT of time with DS! Thanks for making us a priority. We're delighted we have so much time together and don't need any more." Or was is still, 'what's next, when do we see you again?" Hmm.
3- I would say "Yes, that's too bad. We miss you, too." Works like a charm. It acknowledges their feelings without giving into the premise to change yourself to meet their bottomless needs. Most of the time that's all people want, ackowledgment.
You already provided an ideal time for FIL to see DS, on Tuesdays. Its just not what HE wants. He wants the whole family package. The mom and dad on a family outing with baby. Don't exhaust yourself. Just validate their feelings and move on.
And BTW, MIL can get as insulted as she wishes. It's not your job to be available to her on all unschedules days. It IS nice to get away from others and just be a little family from time ot time. Its HEALTHY, too. You have nothing to feel badly about. Its not j.o.b. to explain it to her.
Every family is different, but if it were me I would have husband say, "Why would you say that dad? I don't understand what you mean?" and then start some open communication. I think the only thing you can do is have a direct conversation with them because their comments will only continue and drive you nuts over time.
It really sounds like they've been seeing the baby a lot, so it doesn't sound like you are just being overly possessive, but I can only imagine how exciting it must be for grandparents....so be gentle. Their excitement is really just getting the best of them and they forgetting what it's like to be new parents.
first of all. I think I am reading my future when I read your post.. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have this same problem with my own IL's.
That being said. I feel for you even though I don't have children yet.
All the other advice is great! and because I thought I was reading something I may write in 3-5 years.... I started wondering (maybe I missed it) where are YOUR mom and dad...how often do THEY get to see their new grandson?
Because if this is anything like my situation...my IL's are close and would be around just as often as your IL's...but my parents are far away and if we have the finances on both ends would be able to see their grandchildren 2-3 times a year...and that is a big IF.
anyway. you've gotten some great advice, i was just wondering about how much time your own parents get to spend with him. I think you could say something regarding their time vs. ur in-laws if that was the case. If not...leave that part alone, but i agree with everyone else on their advice.