Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Advice for a friend...
One of my bff's has been together with her BF for the same amount of time as me and Jeremy. Obviously, we fast tracked it with the engagement and then marriage a year later. She was texting me last night and asked if I felt different since getting married and if anything changed and she said she asked bc Robert is always talking cra about how everything will change and she quoted "Maybe not right away, maybe not in a year, but eventually". After more texting, he does want to get married but not "right now" and he's the type of guy who apparently thinks that once he asks the question then the wedding will be within 6 months. She doesn't bring it up anymore bc he just shuts down and apparently his uncle said something about liking her and wanting her in the family and Robert just makes a joke out of it.
So what do I tell her? How do I help? The guy does like to do surprises (like he randomly bought her a puppy for her b-day) and I told her that he might have it all planned now but is there any way she can bring it up without him shutting down? She doesn't want to get married tomorrow but how can she tell him that?
Sorry this was so long and TIA!
P.S. This will be a run and post bc I've got a meeting but will be back!
Re: Advice for a friend...
I think the most important thing to tell your friend is that she needs to be patient and not pressure him. If he's talking marriage, he's obviously serious about her. But he needs to propose on his own terms when it's right for him and not feel like he's being pressured into such a big decision. Guys aren't like girls, and a lot of them are really freaked out about the thought of marriage - even if they truly *know* this girl is the one.
I would also be careful about telling her that maybe he has a surprise planned for her. That may get her hopes up and then when nothing happens, it will be even harder for her.
How long have they been together? Is it possible that she's just expecting marriage b/c you and H got married so quickly? Maybe she's feeling a bit envious and wants to rush things.
OMG too much caffeine. I'm sorry:
This is a tricky spot to be in... like sunshine said, I would just encourage your friend to be patient and definitely not plant any ideas in her head that he could be planning something behind her back.
That's just a fact of life...there are people who meet, fall in love and get married in 3 months time and stay married forever. For some people it takes ten years to get a proposal and the wedding never happens. Everyone is on their own path and it takes longer for some than others.
I know it must be hard for her, patience in this case is never easy, but it's so important that he be ready when he asks. She will be happier to wait and see how things play out than rush it and start a marriage out on the wrong foot.
At the same time, I think it's really hurtful and wrong of him to be joking around about it, especially if he knows how sensitive she is about it. They need to sit down and have a serious talk about their plans so they can get on the same page. Maybe it will take her sitting down with him and him saying "I need 5, 10 years" for her to realize that she's not willing to wait, that she might want to move on...
Honesty is always the best policy, even when you want a big grand surprise proposal.
In the meantime, just be a good friend to her, as I'm sure you are.
It's hard to tell from your post if the guy is joking in a hurtful way or not, really. Without knowing what he's saying and how he's saying it, I read the whole thing more like he is uncomfortable discussing it right now, and plays it off with jokes. That doesn't necessarily mean he's not ready, either. It's kind of like how H and I really want kids, but when people ask we get sort of uncomfortable responding, KWIM? Like I said, I just don't know what's going on here.
H wanted to take his time thinking about proposing, and although I knew he wanted to get married, and was planning on proposing someday, it wasn't a topic of discussion I brought up much because I knew it wasn't going anywhere. I just told myself that talking about it wasn't helping, and that when he was ready it would happen. I was confident that we would be together forever, so it didn't really matter whether we got engaged in the next year or five years down the road. Eventually he proposed, MUCH sooner than I expected, and it turned out he didn't want to discuss it because he'd decided, and was nervous about giving it away. Maybe it's just my personal experience shading things, but I think it's entirely possible that this is how your friend's boyfriend is being.
A lot of women get ring-crazy when their friends get married, and it just makes the guy more reluctant. I have seen a few relationships go bad because of this. I think that regardless of what's going on, you should tell your friend to relax, and let her boyfriend come around on his own. Unless she thinks he really isn't serious about getting married someday, it's not an issue and she will likely only make it worse. And ditto PP about not saying he's planning a surprise - seriously?! That's a horrible thing to say. If you do know, you're spoiling it, and if you don't know, you could just be making the situation worse.
They've been together for almost 2 years now and living together for almost a year. She is willing to wait and it doesn't bother her sometimes and then other times it's like "is he ever going to ask me?" And when I told her about him having a surprise up his sleeve and I never said a time...like this Christmas or anything...just that she would never know when until he did ask because that's how he is.
I also don't think she's jealous that I'm already married...I think she just wants her day too just like everyone else. Thank you for the advice and I will be careful about not planting any more seeds in her head and just be there for her. I know she's in a hard spot and she just needs support right now.
It's not about being jealous that you're married (well, for some girls it is). It's completely normal to see your friend get married and get a little...wistful about it. Particularly if they've been together around the same length of time. Jeff and I were together for almost 6 years before we got married, and there were most definitely times that I thought, "Sigh. I remember when those people met, when is it going to be my turn??" That doesn't make me, or your friend, a crazy girlfriend. But even bringing it up can make the situation tense, because guys have seen those crazy girls. They have seen perfectly normal girls go insane, and they wonder if you have suddenly become one of them.
To reiterate, I don't think your friend is being unreasonable, but I do think she needs to drop the issue, at least for a while, and let things happen as they will. FWIW, I think two years is nothing - while the subject of marriage had come up for us at that point, and I knew it would happen someday, I was in no way expecting an engagement any time soon after two years, and Jeff would have though I was nuts if I did.
Ok, now I think you definitely need to kindly tell her to be more patient. Two years really isn't *that* long for a lot of couples. H and I dated for nearly 4 years before we were engaged, living together for all but 3 months of that. Some people know that quickly, but others just need time.
And I didn't mean to jump on you about the surprise thing. I think if you just said, "He's good at surprises, you'll never know." That's fine. But I wouldn't be like, "ZOMG!! I bet he's totally tricking you so he can surprise you on your birthday!!!11!"
Yeah I definitely didn't say anything close to this! It was "you know he likes to surprise you, so you never know what he has planned." And that was it.
Laura - I didn't mean she was jealous just that she's ready for her turn. And I know 2 years isn't long. I dated one guy for 7 years and nothing happened. And her bf is definitely the guy who's had psycho ex gf's who only wanted a ring out of him so he has come a long way. And she knows he wants to date longer before proposing so I guess she was just in a slump last night and I felt bad and didn't know what to tell her anymore.
I just want to add: I'm not bashing people who get engaged after two years (or less). I just don't think it's long enough to be expecting an engagement. It's not like when you tell someone how long you've been dating, they say, "TWO YEARS? And you haven't gotten engaged yet?!". So while your friend may feel that it's time, her boyfriend may not, and I think that's perfectly reasonable. I'm just trying to stick up for the guy a little.
Of course, I don't know him, he could be a real jerk (although it would have to be for other stuff you didn't mention).
Ah ha!!! Yes, she really needs to be patient. I know it's not her fault - and I think she is being reasonable - but she has to tread lightly. Jeff's ex was the psycho from hell, and I know there were a lot of times, in the first few years (yes, years!) that I had to monitor myself because even though I was being normal, it would flip his 'abused puppy' switch and he would get all weird.
Just tell her that her turn will come, and she has forever to be with this guy so she should enjoy every minute and not worry about how long it takes until he proposes. I know there's not really much you can say, you can assure her that she's not being crazy but that he needs to be left alone anyway, and then you can do something girly to take her mind off it.
Yes, she needs to be patient and when he is ready he will propose.
Richard and I were together 10 years before getting engaged. But it was so worth the wait, and if we've been together this long, the next 10, 20, 30+ years will be a piece of cake.