Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
POLL: How do you handle holiday events with people you dread?
My DH's parents decided changed things up this year by having my BIL
host thanksgiving. He has offered for years, but no one has ever taken
him up on the offer, mainly because he lives three hours away in a
cramped apartment and usually some kind of drama explosion happens when
anyone visits. The last time he visited us it was enough drama for the
rest of our lives, and both me and my DH have told them that we won't
talk to him until he sobers up, holidays or no holidays. But, my in-laws
want to go because BIL is getting married, and so on.
The thing that made me laugh was that my in-laws were dreading this thanksgiving, and plotting how they can keep it as short as possible, and ditch them at the first drama bell. They are even thinking about bringing decoy family members to have stay in there place while they go to a motel.
So it got me wondering with all of these holiday posts, how many people go to family events, and suck up their problems, and hope the drama llama doesn't come to town?[Poll]
The thing that made me laugh was that my in-laws were dreading this thanksgiving, and plotting how they can keep it as short as possible, and ditch them at the first drama bell. They are even thinking about bringing decoy family members to have stay in there place while they go to a motel.
So it got me wondering with all of these holiday posts, how many people go to family events, and suck up their problems, and hope the drama llama doesn't come to town?[Poll]
Re: POLL: How do you handle holiday events with people you dread?
I'd probably be a special star.
I would not go if the HOST were someone that I hated, b/c I wouldn't want to be in the home of someone I didn't like. Probably ditto if it were a small gathering (like you and DH, MIL/FIL, and BIL and his SO).
However, if the person I didn't like was just one of many people, and I loved the rest of them, I'd svck it up. I would never in ten million years let someone I didn't like control what I did or did not do over the holidays.
If I did go, I would manage the evening by staying away from the person I didn't like, not talking about them, and having an exit strategy if there were any drama. I might plan on leaving early, or I may possibly arrange my schedule to see the person I disliked the least (for example, if the person I didn't like was leaving early, I'd come to the party late, if they were arriving late, I'd arrive early. I don't count this plan as letting someone else control my choices, as long as arriving late or leaving early worked for me in general).
I would not drink heavily in order to deal with them. I like my senses to be sharp when I am in the midst of my enemy!
While I voted "we never have problems", SueBear said it best. Depends on who the issue is w/, and even what the issue is.
As I've said many times, being "Family" doesn't excuse people from being a$$holes and I wouldn't just suck it up because it's "family". If anything, family should treat each other better.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Special Star
I'm not driving 3 hours for a Thanksgiving dinner. However, if it was local, I'd go. The minute he became an asshat, I'd leave.
Well is he sober now? If he is then yeah I would give it a chance. If not, then I wouldn't care if he was getting married.
For me personally it depends on why I can't stand the family member. If we just have a personality conflict, then I would just suck it up. If the person is outright mean and cruel to me, then no.
Last year we got pushed around. We resisted and fought it - but it was rough.
This year, we told both sides we are staying home and are TOTALLY looking forward to it.
So, it's not a perfect science. Have you even been invited by the host? Or has it all been the ILs decidding where they are going ... and telling you where to go?
Sounds like you set some conditions for involvement with this BIL. Has he met them?
Has he?
The only reason we suck it up is because it is my step-father (an alcoholic) who I have to deal with. Every holiday gets ruined, however my husband and I now know how to get around it. We go to his brothers for our first holiday meal, then to my mom and step-father't to eat a snack and leave asap and go to my grandparents (who is actually my step-fathers parents but they can't stand his drinking and yelling so much that they decided to host their own holidays and if step-father wants to show up he can. He has caused so much drama and thinks that the world revolves around him so much that he hosts his own holiday.) Otherwise we are in Illinois visiting DH parents so that gets rid of having to see the step-father.
Sorry that it is a three hour drive for someone your not a fan of! Do you have other family you could spend thanksgiving with instead?
SS.
We have on occasion "sucked it up" and gone to a graduation party for DH's family, or a birthday party, etc. But we always set ground rules beforehand...we are staying for X hours, or we are staying until someone says something rude to us, or we will stay until X happens.
We have agreed to not spend any major holidays with IL's because it tends to be a horrid experience. So Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter are spent with some version of my family, and we will sometimes see DH's family on New Years or something. I also work holidays, so sometimes it is not an issue....
We see both families for the holidays usually. I am lucky to live less than an hour from both my family and his. This year is the change up because of BIL and his fiancee. My family hardly has a disagreement, much less an actual fight where feelings get hurt or drama is started. I am not used to a family with a large population and lots of problems to go with it. So I guess I am just looking to others experiences for guidance.
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Oh my gosh, that all sounds tiring! Three family houses in one day, hopefully they live close to each other. Your step-father sounds like my BIL. He and his FI were the popular kids in school, and they haven't lost the ego from it. It sucks on a personal level because the only way to not cause drama is to sit there agreeing with their every word, and then compliment them on how great they are. And sometimes they still feel the need to start something!
But I like your snack idea. It must keep you from attending too long. I would do that with my BIL if it wasn't for the fact that you don't drive three hours one way for a snack and then drive three hours back.
I am lucky to have a good number of family locally, on both sides, that I could ask or suggest an invite to. It just made me curious when my in-laws confided in me about how much they dread this entire event, but are sucking it up because of the upcoming wedding.
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I understand. My H has a huge immediate family and they are really close, as in they spend almost every day together, and they will stick up for one another if an "outsider" starts trouble but they do fight a lot amongst each other and sometimes it can get pretty bad. That's why H would rather spend the holidays with my family but I'm all for keeping it fair, especially since they will call him out on "putting his ILs and friends before them."
How does your H feel about all this, does he want to go to his brother's house for T day? 3 hours is a long ride, and I'm assuming that you would have to spend the night in his part of town so just "making an appearance" is easier said than done.
I guess if you go, get a hotel, have dinner at BIL's house and as soon as everyone starts blowing up at each other, bid them farewell and go back to your hotel room for the night.
You could not drag me to SIL's house if my life depended on it. At first I tried to play nice and do everything with the family- but I couldn't stand it. It didn't improve the relationship at all, but made things worse over a 2 year period. Finally H and I just cut off contact with his toxic family and are much happier as a couple because of it.
So I say- if it makes you miserable- avoid it- life is too short to spend time with people you can't stand.
I am so glad I am not the only one with that outsider feeling. At my first year at their annual reunion, I clung to my H, even though I am usually known as the social butterfly among my friends. They warmed up to me the second round about for the most part.
My H agrees with me, in fact he is the one that made the plan to cut off his brother until said BIL can to be sober past 7pm. It really helps that he is as fed up with their bad behavior as I am.
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H loves his family to death, it's just the drama that he can't deal with. It's the fighting, not the people, that he chooses to take in small doses; but he's always where he's supposed to be, when he's supposed to be. He'll never miss a birthday or a special occasion, if a sibling is sick he's always there to see them and if someone needs help he does what he can for them.
As for cutting BIL off, you can only take so much of the behavior after taking so many hits and it sounds like your H has hit his breaking point. Like my SIL told me last week, she can step on a nail 50 times before just walking around it (she's fighting with another SIL and didn't go to nephew's birthday party because of it, although she sent him a gift). Hopefully with any luck, your BIL can get his act together with the upcoming marriage and all.
When I was married, H and I mostly spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with my parents who lived about 45 minutes away from us versus his parents who lived 12 hours away. We both got along with with our in-laws so that was never a problem.
The only people in my family I have a hard time being around are my mom's 2 sisters. CRAZY! If either one of them hosted the holidays, I'd stay home. Fortunately, we haven't had any "big" family GTGs since my grandparents passed away.
we hate to drive 2 hours each way for events, so we rarely make any holidays, B-days...or what ever. i think we make an exception for X-mas (though DH now wants to go away every year at X-mas, and i'm ok with that) and father's day or 4th of July we will go down to see his family.
mine are a 3.5 hour plane ride away so we don't get back there as a couple very often. usually it's me going.
the world won't end if you don't go.