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Splitting Holidays
Hi All! I'm new to the nest so maybe this topic has already been covered. I apologize for any redundancies. Being that my husband and I just got in a heated argument with his parents about splitting the holidays, I desparately need some objective advice about my situation and am curious to what everyone else does or would do.
I'm a newlywed, married a few months ago, however we were together 9 years prior to getting married. Being together for such a long time, I can't really remember how we've split our past holidays. But the MIL's feeling is that we spend more holiday time with my family than her family. My husband and I completely disagree with this sentiment.
During our argument, I proposed that we forget about the past since there's nothing we can do about it. This was not a successful tactic because MIL couldn't let it go. She also expressed that not only do we spend more time with my family we give her the "feeling that we would rather spend more time with my family."
I thought it would be a good idea to flop the 2009 Thanksgiving schedule with the 2010 schedule. For example,
2009 Thanksgiving:
- With his family all day to 5pm
- 5pm leave to drive 3 hours away (with traffic) to my family
- 8pm arrive at my family's house (FYI, I was very upset about arriving so late but I consoled myself by saying that I would not miss 2010 dinner). Luckily my family stays up late and I had a chance to spend time with them and have dessert.
Fri., Sat., Sun:
- With my family (FYI, MIL was very upset that we spent 3 days with my family)
So for 2010, I basically want to follow the same schedule but flop the families (with minor revisions) So the 2010 schedule goes like this:
Thanksgiving day: spend with my family.
Fri. AM - Leave for his family's house and arrive approx at noon.
Fri noon - Sat., Sun. : With his family
BUT MIL says "she doesn't want us to come Fri. Sat. Sun." In her mind, she justfiies that if we don't come back Fri., Sat., or Sun. then we can spend all of Xmas with her family.
And for Xmas 2009 Xmas Eve/Xmas day, our schedule was:
- With his family Xmas Eve and Xmas day up to 4pm
- Xmas day - 7pm with my family
My proposal for 2010 is Xmas eve: With his family
Xmas breakfast: With his family
Xmas 11AM - leave to drive to my family
Xmas 2pm - arive at my family
MIL's proposal: Spend all of XMAS with her family.
So if that wasn't enought to make your head spin, 2010 XMAS eve will be with all of his family because MIL wants everyone toegether Xmas eve, including my husband's brother, wife and kids who are leaving on a flight on XMAS to her family. MIL wants us to stay with her all of XMAS so that MIL and FIL are not alone. What I don't understand is that it's okay for the brother to leave them on XMAS but not us. Is it becuase the brother's inlaws are in a different time zone and they rarely see each other. My family is only 2.5 hours driving distance away and I see them more often. Plus we don't have kids.
Our idea of fair: split the holidays, making time to visit both families for each holiday.
Her idea of fair: Spend both holidays with her since the past holidays were spent with my family.
HELP!!!
Re: Splitting Holidays
You really and truly do not remember what you have done in the past 9 years? Come on.
Either way, stop trying to be everywhere every holiday. As ECB has stated many times, changing the holiday dynamic is a right of passage - EVERYONE, including your MIL, has had to do it when they marry.
And really, your solution is stupid. Outside of the fact that you have as much right to a non-driving, enjoyable holiday that they do, no one is going to be happy with this solution (and it won't work with kids).
So alternate the full holiday. Since she does not want to be alone for Christmas (is this the first time she will not have any family?), then make even years, T-Day with your family and X-Mas with his and on odd years, T-Day with his family and X-Mas with yours.
And if you MUST see your family around the holiday, visit the weekend before.
But here is the thing. You are adults, or you should be if you are married. You can and should say no to situations that put YOU out. I mean really, BOTH of your families are rude and selfish to expect you (has your family never offered that you not come to save you money or time?) to do all of this driving.
Why would you keep putting out for yourself, when they cannot put forth the effort themselves? And I would point that out to yoru DH.
I'm completely baffled as to why this is an actual arguement w/ her where you all are discussing this like she actually has a say in what you and your DH decide to do.
You're giving her WAY too much power here. WAY too much power.
YOu and your DH need to decide what works best for the 2 of you, then from there, he TELLS his mom "This is what we are going to do". She scoffs and fights and says "I don't like that"?, he says, "well mom, this is what works best for us. If it doesn't work for you and you'd rather us not come at all, then let me know.".
She says "You spend more time w/ her family", all he says is "That's not whats at issue. This is what works best for Dee and I. Again, if it doesn't work for you and you'd rather us not come, let me know.".
TAKE AWAY THE POWER> Every time you all try to explain and defend and rationalize, all she's going to do is use that to argue how you're wrong.
You don't owe her any defense or explanations.
Past that, a suggestion for you and your DH is for both of you to stop this seeing both familes every holiday. 3 hours is ridiculous to travel EVERY year. Why not just to all of Thanksgiving w/ one, then x-mas w/ the other?. Then next year flip-flop.
By the way, I was w/ my DH for 10 years before we got married. Sure, I can't tell you how we split every holiday every year, but I could have told you how we did the last couple years prior to getting married. You can't remember what you did last year or the year before? Or a general idea of what you did the past 9 years? I'm finding that arguement weak and I'm kind of wondering WHY you're using it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Decide what you want to do. You and DH can make decisions on your own. When you present the plan to MIL, do not offer a chance for rebuttal. If she starts to harp about spending more time with her family, tell her that if she does not like the situation, you will just stay home instead of coming to her house.
Also, let DH talk to your MIL. It is his mom, he should stand up to her.
I started to type a response and realized it had already been said.
She doesn't have a 'vote'. WTF are you fighting over this? Because one person wants to do waht mommy wants and the other doesn't? You 2 cut her out of the conversationa nd you decide. You don't allow other outside parties to have a vote in what you do in your marraige--imput? maybe (if it can be done right) but sheesh, this woman doesn't get a vote on when you ahve sex, if you have kids, who takes what job, what you have for dinner,etc...she also doesn't get a vote on what you do for thanksgiving.
And you 2 really never discussed this and you have no idea where you went? pull up some pictures, and figure it out because that amazes me. (Do the Mr. and I say "was it last year or 2 years ago or 3 that we went to Nanna's all day?" but we have some general idea for the partern we've normally followed. But, to some extent, it doesn't matter--you pick what works for you--if you both actually DO prefer spending time w/ your family and you spend more time there, MIL will have to deal)
I have to go with Illumine on this one. The fact that you are doing all this driving to please everyone else is ridiculous! And I can?t believe they?d actually expect you to do this either.
Rotate the holidays plain and simple. T day with one side, Xmas with the other, then rotate. MIL is going to have to grow up, put her big girl pants on and deal, and H should be the one to tell her this.
We?re lucky enough that all our families are local so we do Xmas eve with my family and Xmas day with the ILs. As for Easter and T day my H prefers the drama-free and smoke-free dinners with my side. Unfortunately his siblings have given him hell for ?picking ILs and friends over them,? so I?ve told him we have GOT to start splitting time a little more evenly to keep it fair; even if it?s just drinks and dessert with his side. I like spending time with my ILs and don?t need them blaming me for him not coming around as much, and my mom totally understands that we have another family to spend time with and would never expect to monopolize us.
I completely agree with what others have said, and particularly suggest that you start swapping entire holidays (Christmas at one place, Thanksgiving at one place). Having parents and in-laws 2 hours away in opposite directions (3.5/4 hours between them), I can personally speak to how driving everywhere over the holidays can be a buzz kill. Make a fair, clear plan, and stick to it.
That being said, on some of your examples (especially Thanksgiving 2009) I can kind of see how your MIL might feel she got the short end of the stick. Does that mean she gets to dictate how you spend your holidays? No. But I do think that it's a good reason to start looking at the one holiday/one place plan.
I think I'd kill myself if I had this holiday schedule!
Why do you HAVE to see both families on the day of the holiday? for thanksgiving see one family the day of (spend the whole time there...none of this leaving at 5 which is ridiculous to get to the other place for dessert, just enjoy ONE family) then the day after or before go see the other family. for christmas you switch so whatever family you didn't see thanksgiving day you need to see christmas day.
Every other year you switch which family get which holidays.
uggh this is ridiculous. I agree on swapping the entire day. Spend Thanksgiving day with one family, then Christmas Day with the other, then swap next year. Or do what my family does, one family gets all of Thanksgiving (so Thursday-Sunday) and the other family gets all of Christmas (so the 24th-26th usually).
or do whatever you want, just TELL her what you are doing and shut her down if she protests. Driving on the actual holiday is stupid, everyone loses.
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
Okay, so this sounds all to familiar to me. We live 10 minutes from my in-laws and 3 hours from my parents. My MIL is extremely overbearing and demands that we spend all holidays with her. In fact, it means NOTHING if we don't spend the actual day with her (ie. celebrate Thanksgiving the weekend before rather than the day of).
That has changed quite a bit. It had to. She can't compare the time spent with my family versus hers. We tell her "it's about quality, not quantity". And we did threaten her with the fact that if she can't be flexible, that we will swap holidays every other year and she will not get us at all for Christmas. She has since shut her mouth about it...to an extent.
This is what we do now:
Thanksgiving - even years, hang with his family and odd years, go with my family.
Christmas Eve - spend with his family
Christmas Day - drive to my parents and stay there Friday, Saturday and drive back on Sunday.
We will do Christmas like this until kids come along, or until my grandmother passes away. When kids come, both parents are coming to us!
My MIL told my DH "It's not fair, you spend more time with her family than us. When you see them, you stay the entire weekend. We only get to see you for one day at a time". I told DH "Okay, they can come stay over at our place for an entire weekend if we don't have to see them for 1-2 months." We see his parents multiple times a week and will not see my parents for months.
Set your boundaries. She doesn't rule what you do. You take it into consideration, but ultimately it is what works best for you and your husband. She'll put on the guilt and pout, but that is her choice. Just deal with it and do what you want to do.
Well, don't marry someone #1 that believes their extended family has a say in what his immediate family does and when they do it and #2 who has enough of a spine to stand up to them if they complain. Opps, as you said, the past is past and you can't change that now.
In a perfect world, how would you want to spend your holidays? How about your Dh (with considering his mother's opinion)? Start from there to figure out a compromise between you two so that *you both* get what *you* want. I can't imagine anyone actually *wanting* to do what you have listed.
I agreed with everyone. Spend one holiday with his family and the other holiday with your family. Since MIL practically told you to not bother visiting the three days after Thanksgiving, then I would spend Christmas with them this year. Have your DH let her know what the plan is so she can plan for next year. Your original schedule sounded too complicated and your ?minor revisions? seemed to favor spending more time with your family. If you make your plans simple and clear-cut, there will be no room to argue.
OP, I am a firm believer that people do what they want. If there is something that they don't want to do, they make an excuse.
Don't fall into MIL's trap. My MIL is very similar as whatever DH and I decide; it never meets her approval. The day it got better, was the day that we both stopped caring. Some people are never pleased.
If it is important to MIL to see you & DH for X time on X day, etc - she will work it out. This can also mean rearranging and/or simply hosting a holiday on an "off" week (think week before or after major holiday).
You don't need MIL's opinion and/or approval. The reason it is probably "OK" for BIL to do what he wants, is because he does what he wants. MIL probably gives him the same sob story, but he blows her off and in turn, she can't do anything about it. She is targeting you & DH because she knows she can.
1.) Stop allowing her to hold power by not caring & not giving her the chance to give her opinion.
2.) Let DH stand firm and deal with her.
We live next door to my parents and we still split holidays everyother year except christmas, because his family is always christmas eve and mine is christmas day so that holday works out perfectly for us. MIL thinks that now that we live next door to my family we should spend more holidays with h's family, but H and I both agree we will not change our holiday schedule, and when we do have kids (TTC!) we will try to host more holidays at our house since ours is large enough to have all the family over, just to save the kids and they can nap in their own beds. This isnt going over well with MIL but H and I are on the same page so it works well for us. What ever you do make sure you and H are on the same page. Good Luck!
I agree with Illumine. DH and I had to put of foot down last year (my ILs are divorced and my parents live here too-it is like three holidays) BUT now there are four bc FIL and his gf want to to a separate after Christmas brunch (which we decline bc DH aunt on FIL side always does Christmas Eve dinner where we see FIL and his gf).. It just gets to be too much. I am going to use the "we deserve a non driving holiday like everyone else". Love that. One couple (in this case, you two) should not be subjected to driving here, there, and everywhere on the holidays. My mom actually got so mad at me last year that she had my dad call me on Christmas night to ask if we had time to come over (this was after they knew we were at my SIL (DH mom's side) all afternoon/early evening. We had made it very clear that we were going to alternate holidays each year, but she was still pissed. Oh, well....we even saw my family the night before and mom knew we were spending the 25th with my ILs.
Bottom line, do not give in, alternate holidays-we do not have kids yet, but this sets the standard! Be strong!
I agree 100% with ECB and Ilumine - changing holiday dynamics is a right of passage.
DH and I both have let's just say "loving" mothers. So we decided to shake things up: We're taking a vacation over Thanksgiving.
My mother freaked out and we waited more than a month to tell MIL. After watching my mother get stuck in a rut with holidays with her family, I realized I wasn't going to let my grandmother or my mother have that kind of control over my holidays.
You need to do what is best for you and DH. If traveling back and forth with satisfy you (and not lead to grey hairs), then travel. If not, take control and set up your own family schedule (you husband is your family now).