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friend drama... long
I'm so confused about how to handle this situation, I'm hoping for some outside perspective.
We have a pretty tight knit group of friends from college and we always do things as a group. We're all roughly the same age between 24 and 28. When we were in school together we behaved like college students our age-- parties, long nights, bad decisions, nothing out of control or anything, just normal college stuff. However, now that we're getting a little older most of us are getting a little more settled-- not that we still don't have good times, but we're growing up. Except one.... let's call him J.
At first it was still fine-- it's just J being J! But he just keeps making TERRIBLE decisions! He's in crazy amounts of debt (he's too open about just abut everything, constant TMI), he dates girls who are very young and immature, or he's just having random sex with multiple people at the same time, he goes out every night, etc. All of these things are his issues. I understand that. But, he is constantly complaining or venting to us about the consequences of his actions-- "my gas got turned off!" "my car was towed!" "I'm broke!" etc. When we offer advice he freaks out about how we're not being supportive and we're not giving him the respect he deserves, and how he's fine and doesn't need anyone's help!
The truth is, that if I met him now and not 4 years ago, I'm not sure if we would be friends at all. We have nothing in common anymore. A few of our friends have tried talking to him honestly, or pointed out when he contradicts himself, and he responds by calling them names (some seriously screwed up names) and ignoring them. So, a lot of our friends are beginning to not invite him places and don't really want to be bothered with his bs anymore. It just seems like there's always something going on-- he's always fighting with someone, but somehow it's never his fault!
Anyway, he was the best man in our wedding, so it's a little harder for us. Greg feels guilty, but it's so hard to continue watching him drown himself. and he doesn't see that there's a problem, so there's no way we can help him.
Just wondering if anyone can relate? How would you deal with a situation/friend like this?
Re: friend drama... long
We have a friend who is kinda similar. He's always in trouble for something... making REALLY bad decisions... DUIs, etc. It got to the point where we don't really talk to him as much anymore. If he called and said "Hey, I'm going to be in town, can I swing by your house?" Sure, come on over, but don't bring your loser drug addict friends with you. We talk on the phone sometimes, but we've distanced ourselves from him a good bit.
If your friend isn't willing to listen to anyone's advice, then I'd stop giving it to him. He's going to make his own messes and he's going to have to deal with them. It's hard to deal with people who don't want to grow up, but one day they're going to realize that they have to.
yeah, i agree with Stu. You can talk to someone and try to reason with them until you are blue in the face but if they aren't willing/ready to listen: you are wasting your time.
Maybe distance yourselves from him and maybe he will see that no one wants to be around him anymore and he'll clean up his act. Then you guys can all hang out again but I don't see a reason to keep inviting a guy who is acting the way you described to anything I would be going to.
I can't relate, but I agree with stu. He's going to have to find out the hard way that he can't keep going through life like this.
Yeah, I wish this would happen. I'm sure it would have happened a lot sooner, but his parents keep bailing him out. He's 28 and they'll pay off his back bills and cosign for him because his credit is so bad. I'm sure he gives them a song and dance about how it's not his fault- but, c'mon.
Is this the guy who had the personal driver for your wedding, or was that someone else? Sounds like it would be!
The closest person I can relate to this is someone I recently worked with. He had collectors constantly calling him. I didn't know him that well or for very long so I really didn't feel like I had the place to say anything.
The only thing I can think of without outright telling him he's being foolish (which he isn't responding to) is that when you're out doing things you could try and suggest things that are less expensive in order to combat his spending habits. Ie. Go to a bar that has a 2 for 1/happy hour special instead of another... Have dinner w/ friends at home, etc, etc. I can't imagine how he hasn't changed his habits already if his utilities are getting shut off.
I had a friend kind of like that. One of my only two close friends from high school. I finally had it about the eighth time that she dumped a live-in boyfriend and had another guy on the string within 24 hours. I told her flat-out that she had to stop hooking up with these losers because she was better than that. It didn't seem to take. She's still breaking up and getting back together with the same set of losers (she just rotates a few of them). She obviously doesn't intend to change, and I'm sorry, but I'm just out.
It was easier for me to cut ties because she now lives across the country, so I just sort of stopped returning her voicemails or emails.
I feel bad about it, but when she left her abusive ex-con ex-husband (who was 30 years older than she was, a drug addict, had done 20 years in prison for a homicide conviction, and had 10 kids by 7 different women), he got ahold of MY address and sent a letter to her, care of me. That made me realize that I could no longer be part of her life because her bad choices were putting ME in danger. It was a couple of years after that incident that I finally pulled the plug on the friendship, but that was really the deciding factor.
Woah Kelly! That is scary!
Megan - Kudos to you and Greg for putting up with this guys BS! I think this guy needs some tough love. But I don't think it should be coming from you and Greg first. His parents need to cut off the financial bail-outs. Then he has to face the reality of his situation. The odds of that happening are not very high, so that leaves you and Greg (and this guy's other friends) with a big, hairy mess with your best man. This whole situation stinks.
But I almost think an intervention with your whole group of friends is what it's going to take to make this guy understand that 1) his behavior (bars, girls, etc.) isn't cool or funny, 2) the mess he is in financially IS his fault 3) he won't accept any advice from anyone, yet he insists on crying to you all the time, and 4) you (all of you) won't do it anymore. Then you have to follow up with what you will accept and lay it all on the line for him.
I realize the odds of an intervention happening with the whole group are probably not good. But maybe you and Greg can use this approach with him. The hardest part is going to be following through when this guy falls right back into the same routine.
Good luck!