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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
My friend's husband passed away :(
I don't even know what to think. Yesterday, my friend called me so excited on her way home from the doctors to tell me she was pregnant. Today she called me in tears to say her husband was killed in an accident last night. I don't know how something so wonderful and terrible can happen in the same day. I wish I could take away her pain or say something to make her feel better, but nothing will change what happen. What do I do? I want to help make things better but I don't know what to do or where to start 
Re: My friend's husband passed away :(
Oh how tragic.... T's and P's to everyone involved.
You're not going to be able to make everything better, but you can definitely be there for her. Listen when she needs someone to listen. Take some meals over to her house for the next couple of days. Help her with funeral plans (i.e. going with her for support), or help with other things that need to be done around the house (Cleaning, grocery shopping, pet care, child care, etc). Offer to be a contact person for out of town guests with arrangement questions... Lord knows she's not going to want everyone calling and asking her...
The PPs gave you some specific ways to help. Just be there for her. Sometimes it's best to say " I don't know what to say" than some cliche expression of sympathy that often has the wrong intention.
The next week will be incredibly hard for her. But just as important will be support in the coming months and at the birth of her child. She'll be having a lot of mixed emotions - joy with the child/sadness that her H is not there. Often there is an outporing of support around the funeral, then the support disappears and the widow(er) is left feeling very alone 3 and 6 months out.
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I think the best thing is to not try to find something to say that will fix it. You can even acknowledge to her that you KNOW nothing you say can fix it. When I found out my Mom was dying it meant a lot to me that people would just talk to me, sit with me, cry with me, but mostly kept me company. People brought my Dad and my brother food when she passed and made an effort to remind us how she touched their lives and how they would help us remember her.
Keep in mind, for now people will want to be around her all the time, bring her food, etc. But in a month or two months people will start to drop off and that is when she will need you most. I would say the best things you an provide are company when she is lonely and help with things like grocery shopping, vacuuming, car washing, babysitting, the little day to day stuff.
As well as whateveryone else has already said, I would suggest that you, "turn up." Often people say, "let me know if I can do anything," and so put it back on the grieving person's shoulders to ask for what they need.
Turn up on her doorstep. Do the jobs that need doing etc etc. Obviously you don't want to intrude if she truly wants to be left alone, but try and make it very easy for her to access your help.
Also, looking ahead down the road, as well as pp mentioning how the support tails off, there will be some predictably hard times for her. When she goes for her baby's first scan and can't share that with her husband, his birthday, Christmas etc etc etc So maybe try and make a special effort to be around for your friend at those times, even just a phone call.
T&P to your friend and her friends and family. One of my best friends lost her dad very suddenly 2 years ago on Halloween. I remember her telling me that the best thing anyone could do for her was just being there to talk, especially when she wanted to talk about things not dealing with the passing. She said everyone called or stopped by and wanted to talk about her dad, with all good intentions. She said sometimes it was just nice to be able to talk about other things, like school or work. She said if she tried to bring it up, people would say, "oh don't worry about that now," but really she just wanted to talk about something different.
I also agree with PP about making sure you are around when the tough times come in the coming months. You can't replace her husband, but you can be there to support her like he would. She's going to need it.
Wow. My sympathies to your friend.
My sister has a friend whose husband died while she was pregnant with their third child. The advice you have gotten here is spot on. Do not tell her to let you know if she needs anything. Be proactive and just start doing things. Go to her house and clean up or bring food or ask when the next doctor appointment is and tell her you're going to pick her up and bring her. Help her put the crib together and all that stuff. She won't want to ask for help, but she will truly appreciate it when you give it. But be aware of how she is reacting in the moment. She may need people to back off once in a while. That means back off, but don't disappear. There will be days that are terrible and days that are not as terrible. Take your cue from her.
Don't try to say the right thing. You can't. No cliches, no "it'll be alright." It won't work. It's not alright. Don't even ask her how she's doing. You already know that and everyone is asking her that. Tell her if she wants to talk, you'll listen. If she wants to talk about something else, you'll listen. If she doesn't want to talk, no problem. Let her decide how she is going to grieve and support her as such. Don't offer advice, just support.
And, as a previous poster said, do not disappear from her life in a few months down the road. It sounds like you are very good friends with her (since you were one of the first she told about her pregnancy). Remain friends. Do things together, even things you used to do as a couple. If the four of you used to go out to dinner every month, go with the three of you. My sister's friend mentioned how a group of her friends would often rotate hosting Sunday football parties. She didn't get included the following year. She asked why and those friends thought it would be too painful for her to go to something with all couples and she'd feel left out. But, she said she wanted to go and be with her friends and with her husband's friends. So, don't presume she will want to be left alone and don't make those social events about being in a couple. They are events that you invite friends to and she will appreciate being included. She may not go, but make it her decision.
Again, I'm so sorry for your loss and your friend's loss.
I'm so sorry- how awful. Thoughts and prayers to everyone.
You've already gotten great advice- especially to just think of something that might need to be done and take care of it instead of saying "What can I do to help?". I heard something really touching once, in a story about a lady who lost her husband and son and had two other young children. She said her greatest support was a neighbor who would just come over and do laundry. She said that the neighbor said to her, "No one person can do everything that's needed right now, but I can help with this." and she found that very comforting, as she had had other relatives or friends that did try to "do it all" and burned out quickly.
This is so sad! I am so sorry for your friend.
I would say that sometimes, down the road, it feels like people don't bring up the person who died. They see that you are doing well (seemingly) and decide not to mention that person. But the person with the loss is thinking about who died all the time and yet at some point begins to feel that they shouldn't talk so much about their H or parent (whoever they have lost).
I think it is okay to reminisce about her H. I mean, be sensitive to her mood, but sometimes it is greatly appreciated to say, as you're walking with her "Oh, remember when we all had such a great time at that coffee shop we're passing?" or whatever.
This was a very inarticulate post but I know that when I lost someone close to me, there came a point when I thought I should try not to bring them up so much because other people were sick of hearing about them and it was nice when someone else would do so.
What happened to your friend is my worst nightmare.
I am so sorry. That is awful.
I agree with the pp of listening to her when she needs it. Bring her food. Stay with her if she needs help.
Sending good thoughts to her and her Family.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
Thank you all so much for all your comments and advice. I also appreciated all of you that shared your own difficult personal experiences. This is definitely helping me to process my thoughts better. I'm going up to her house today an will spend the next two nights with her so she doesn't have to be alone. (We grew up 5 min away from each other, but now we are 1.5 hours apart)
After all the initial shock passes and after the holidays once things calm down, I was thinking about asking her if she wants to put together some kind of memory book (shutterfly maybe?) of her husband as a gift for their baby. I don't know if its a good idea or not, but I just want her to be able to look back on their marriage as something so great and to help her remember all the great times they had together. Plus, it would be something for the baby to have to learn about their father. I would offer to scan all of his childhood pics. But I don't know. It still feels like a bad dream and we will wake up and it will all be better.
Thanks again for all of your advice and comments!
I lost my husband a one year and three months ago. So this comes from experience.
1. Be there to just listen; let her cry.
2. Help keep her house orderly, do laundry, cook, clean anything that can help her out.
3. If she wants your help with funeral plans, help, but don't push it. (I had that happen to me).
4. Organize a Care Calendar for friends to take meals over to her or take her out or anything. But only maybe three times a week and a couple of months. The girls on the Houston Nest Board did this for me. It was a relief and it was nice to have people to meet and go out with to get me away.
5. Don't hover! That can be smothering. Sometimes we just want to be alone and cry our hearts out.
6. Offer to do errands, or pick up the mail. Or handle the cards and letters.
7. Don't give advice unless she asks. and sometimes, they questions just might be rhetorical.
8. Maybe find a griefshare program near her home. don't push her to attend; let her go at her own pace, but she will need one.
Just be there with open arms, and a box of tissues.
My heart and prayers go out to her. I do know how she feels.
that's so awful. t&p for your friend and her family.
you got great advice so far. the only thing that i can think of is offer to drive her to her appts for the baby. it's probably going to be rough on her and she'd probably love having a good friend there with her.
Couldn't agree more! Don't make her ask for help. Tell her what you are going to do ie "I'm coming over today to clean" or "I'm taking the kids/dog for a little while" and then do it! Speaking from experience, people can say "lemme know if you need anything" all they want but it's extremly hard to ask for help.
Couldn't agree more! Don't make her ask for help. Tell her what you are going to do ie "I'm coming over today to clean" or "I'm taking the kids/dog for a little while" and then do it! Speaking from experience, people can say "lemme know if you need anything" all they want but it's extremly hard to ask for help.