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Grandma Holiday Drama (long vent)
So my grandma started her yearly holiday drama early this year... She's already getting upset about DH and I splitting the time between our families. She has always been this way, and it just makes the holidays so much more stressful. My mom swears that she has narcissistic personality disorder.
Last year around the holidays, my mom was going through a lot of medical testing because of numbness in her feet and intense back pain. In the beginning of last November, my grandma and I took my mom to the hospital for a lumbar puncture, which eventually led my mom to be diagnosed with MS. My grandma and I had gotten into a fight on the phone a couple of nights before about me going to visit my dad's family the weekend after Christmas. My parents are divorced, and she gets so incredibly jealous of anything to do with me spending time with my dad's family, even though they live 6 hours from me, and she lives 1/2 hour and I see her at least twice a month and I normally see them 2x a year. She decided the crowded waiting room was the perfect place to have this awesome convo, even though I asked her to talk about it later. She basically started screaming and crying, and accused me of spending more time with my dad's side of the family, and then accused my dad of all this stuff that is probably partially true (my dad HATES my grandma), but seriously messed up to even say to me. She always tries to put me against my dad and his family. I love my dad, and he?s always been a part of my life and been supportive. Even when my parents got divorced he only moved 10 minutes away so that he could continue to be in my and my brother?s life. She is also (generally) a good grandmother, and has always been in my life, and I do appreciate that she?s been there for me.
The worst part is there is absolutely no reasoning with her. My mom has tried going to therapy sessions with her, but as soon as the therapist suggests something might be her fault she gets mad and refuses to go back. She is a master of manipulation and will cry, scream, guilty-trip and do basically anything else to get her way. She hates when she is not the center of attention. A lot of the time she?s fine, but the holidays just make her go crazy.
Basically, now that I?m married, we have to split up time not just between my mom/grandma and my dad, but also DH?s family. She just makes everything so hard! DH and I are hosting thanksgiving this year, although my dad won't come because he refuses to spend another holiday with my grandma.
This year, I think we?re gonna do Christmas eve at my grandma?s with my mom,
Christmas morning with DH?s family, Christmas dinner with my dad, and the day
after Christmas with DH?s family. I guess we?re really
lucky that we live within 1 hour of our immediate family/my grandma, but it?s
still going to suck to be driving around the whole holiday weekend, trying to
make time for everyone. I wish we could have a little time to ourselves to celebrate, other than in the car.
Basically I'm just really stressed thinking about all of the crap that goes with holidays. I, and my mom, seriously dread this time of year because of all the crap my grandmother pulls. I know it was a huge problem for my mom when she was married to my dad, because they never spent holidays with his family, and now I'm afraid of the same stress being put on me.
Sorry this was so long. Thanks for listening!
71 workouts completed in 2012
Re: Grandma Holiday Drama (long vent)
71 workouts completed in 2012
Stop worrying about it and just do what you all need to do and ignore all of her comments. She will either just suck it up and be happy she gets to see you all or be mad about it. You have other people to think about and not just her.
Tell her and the rest of you family your plans and stick to them, and if she continues just cut her out of your holiday plans.
BothStop worrying about it and just do what you all need to do and ignore all of her comments. She will either just suck it up and be happy she gets to see you all or be mad about it. You have other people to think about and not just her.
Tell her and the rest of you family your plans and stick to them, and if she continues just cut her out of your holiday plans.
Both of your familyStop worrying about it and just do what you all need to do and ignore all of her comments. She will either just suck it up and be happy she gets to see you all or be mad about it. You have other people to think about and not just her.
Tell her and the rest of you family your plans and stick to them, and if she continues just cut her out of your holiday plans.
Both of your family deserve toStop worrying about it and just do what you all need to do and ignore all of her comments. She will either just suck it up and be happy she gets to see you all or be mad about it. You have other people to think about and not just her.
Tell her and the rest of you family your plans and stick to them, and if she continues just cut her out of your holiday plans.
Stop worrying about it and just do what you all need to do and ignore all of her comments. She will either just suck it up and be happy she gets to see you all or be mad about it. You have other people to think about and not just her.
Tell her and the rest of you family your plans and stick to them, and if she continues just cut her out of your holiday plans. Both
Stop worrying about it and just do what you all need to do and ignore all of her comments. She will either just suck it up and be happy she gets to see you all or be mad about it. You have other people to think about and not just her.
Tell her and the rest of you family your plans and stick to them, and if she continues just cut her out of your holiday plans. Both
ofStop worrying about it and just do what you all need to do and ignore all of her comments. She will either just suck it up and be happy she gets to see you all or be mad about it. You have other people to think about and not just her.
Tell her and the rest of you family your plans and stick to them, and if she continues just cut her out of your holiday plans.
Stop worrying about it and just do what you all need to do and ignore all of her comments. She will either just suck it up and be happy she gets to see you all or be mad about it. You have other people to think about and not just her.
Tell her and the rest of you family your plans and stick to them, and if she continues just cut her out of your holiday plans.
Both of yourUmm, no you don't *have* to, you are choosing to.
And what exactly is stopping you from celebrating the holiday the way you want to? That's right, you are. Because you are choosing to try to make everyone else happy instead of focusing on making you and your DH happy.
The worst part is there is absolutely no reasoning with her. My mom has tried going to therapy sessions with her, but as soon as the therapist suggests something might be her fault she gets mad and refuses to go back. She is a master of manipulation and will cry, scream, guilty-trip and do basically anything else to get her way. She hates when she is not the center of attention. A lot of the time she?s fine, but the holidays just make her go crazy.
This is what stood out to me. Why are you trying to 'reason' w/ her? Why are you explaining your plans, defending yourselves? You're giving her MUCH more power than necessary. Really, you are.
This year you simply tell her "We'll be there for ___". She asks where you'll be the other times, all you say is "As you know, we have other family obligations". She asks w/ who? You say "That doesn't matter. We are busy regardless".
She pitches a fit and screams and cries? You say "Once you calm down and want to talk calmly, call me back/ call me" and you hang up or get up and leave.
At the hospital, you should have gotten up, looked to someone else and said "I'm going to step outside. Come get me once things calm down." and walked off.
You don't need her permission to have other plans. part of the reason, though that she acts up is that she gets exactly what she wants - attention. So stop giving her attention. And stop making her think she actually has a SAY in what you do.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Trying to reason with a person with a personality disorder is like trying to teach a pig to tap dance, it never ends well, and when its over youre frustrated and the pig still cant tap dance.
Your grandmother sees no reason to change her behaviors because what she does works for her, she rants and raves and bevhaves like a big ole borderline and she gets her way.
If this was me I would do what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it. If it didnt work for her too bad. I would keep repeating my plans and every time she flew into a rage I would either hang up the phone or walk away, after telling her that I would continue the conversation when she could be rational and reasonable.
So tell me what is the worst that will happen if you Grandma gets upset? Seriously, what is the absolute worst that will happen? Are her tears made of some compound that will make the earth explode? Can she force you to stay in the same room with her for hours on end and hear her complain? Can she force you to stay on the phone with her while she rants and raves? No, of course not. She can not MAKE you do a single thing. If you don't want to hear it, walk away or hang up on her.
Remember this is your holiday too and you can spend it however you wish. Do you want to go on vacation for the holidays? Then do it. Do you want to sit at home, eat chinese food and watch kung fu movies? Then do it. You can do whatever you want are more than just some puppet for others to enjoy themselves. If you don't want to spend time with her then you don't have to. It is simple as that. If you go to your mom's house and she starts in on you, then leave. Yes you leave. You simply can't drag yourself and your poor husband through all of this just so that your grandma will be happy ( which she probably won't be anyways). That is not fair to anyone.
Obviously I realize everyone is right. I have the type of personality who puts up with other people's crap to make them happy, and I have a hard time doing things I want without feeling guilty.
If it was just me who would be affected I would be more comfortable standing up to her, but she calls my mom whenever I fight with her and will scream at my mom about it. That is seriously the last thing my mom needs, as she is dealing with fatigue associated with MS and working 60+ hours a week. I know that's just another excuse, but if I have to give up a little to make my mom's life easier I will. I mean, she lived with the woman for 18 years.
71 workouts completed in 2012
Well I am sure that if your mom has to choose between you being happy and your grandma being happy, she would choose you. Your mom can choose to hang up too.
Keeping your mom happy too is an incredibly unfair burden that you are placing upon yourself. Your mom is responsible for her own happiness and if she chooses to subject herself to your grandma's manipulations, then that is on her.
Besides when you have your husband to consider too. When you made vows to him you promised to put him before anyone else, that includes grandma and your mom.
However, again, I'm picking up on your word "fight". Don't FIGHT w/ her. Yes, I get that anything you say that isn't what she wants to hear will probably set her off. But stop giving her ammunition.
If all you give her is "We have other family to see on Christmas" vs "Well, we're going to go see Dh's family in the morning, then we're going to see my dad, then the day after, we'll be w/ DH's family again", what is she going to yell about?
Sure, "what family? Who? When? where?", but all you have to say is "It's none of your concern, grandma. we can't wait to see you X-mas Eve.". She keeps questioning? Then you say "I'm not going to discuss this anymore. I need to go now. I'll talk to you soon." and then hang up.
If you give her your schedule, she's going to harp on you seeing your dad, she's going to harp on that you're seeing DH's family twice, and she will go and go and go and go to every response you come up with.
So STOP GIVING HER AMMUNITION!
The less ammunition you give her, the less she's going to have to yell at your mom about too!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I admit it, I didn't read all the replies. Can your family visit YOU? This way everyone comes to you and you don't have to run around.
I'm not saying this to be mean. I think you need to hear that the word for what you are is enabler. You enable your grandmother to act the way that she does. It's obvious because of the way you tiptoe around her. Think about it: Christmas is two months away and you're already all worked up about this. You give her way, way way too much power in your life.
Would you accept behavior like that from your husband? If your husband started talking smack about you never spending time with him when you decide to do an occasional girl's night out, would you accept it just to make him happy? I would like to think in this situation you would stand up for yourself, and the situation is no different with your grandma.
Ironically, your dad is the only one that has it right. "DH and I are hosting thanksgiving this year, although my dad won't come because he refuses to spend another holiday with my grandma."
My suggestion: Make your plans the way that works for you and DH, and NO ONE ELSE. If it will make you feel any better, tell your mom ahead of time that you're doing this, and advise her to tell your Grandmother (if Grandma starts crabbing to mom) that she should talk to you about any concerns she has. Your mom can deflect to you, or she can not engage at all. If she chooses to do entertain grandma's b!tching... I hate to say it, but that's on her.
Thanks for the suggestions! I know I get pulled into her stupid games a lot of the time, but next time I'll try your tips. It'll probably really piss her off at first, but I'll try anything if it'll make it easier in the long run.
71 workouts completed in 2012
I agree you are enabling her behavior. Do.not.engage. in her nonsense. She sounds like she has some serious mental health issues and is a toxic person to be around. So limit your time with her. Focus on quality time with your parents and keep her away so it is not spoiled. Do not take phone calls from her, walk away if she yells. Again. Do.Not.Engage.
and maybe get some therapy for yourself to learn how to deal with it better. I am a people pleaser, I know how tough it is, but it doesn't have to be so bad, you can take back some control.
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
So what if it pisses her off? Will the earth go spinning of its axis because grandma is mad? No. Will the rivers flow with blood and will locusts attack from the sky? No. Let her be mad. Just make sure you stand your ground and don't give in, otherwise you only have yourself to blame for all the drama.