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DH not happy in my "home"
We were married at the beginning of this year and have since been living away from home. We own a house in our hometown, but due to my husband's job we live most of the time in an apartment hours from there.
Our problem is that he refuses to get comfortable anywhere but our hometown. He does not even want to participate in our hobbies or decorate our apartment for the holidays. This would be okay with me if our house back home was a place we could "call home" and make ourselves comfortable, but his daughter is living in it "temporarily" for the past YEAR and he thinks SHE should feel at home there. When we go back to visit, she complains about things we do and problems with the house. I feel like an unwanted intruder in our own house. That's not my idea of happy holidays.
This week I decorated for fall and halloween. Today he told me it was all... cow manure... since we weren't back home sharing it with his family. He also told me I could not bring our christmas tree here to put it up because he planned on spending christmas at his house with his daughter's christmas tree and decor.
We cannot even communicate on this issue. He does not see how our house back home is not comfortable for me.
I don't care if you think I am wrong or being mean... just give me some opinions or advice. I am so unhappy about this and do not know what to do. If I thought our relationship could handle it, I would leave him here to work and get my own place in our home town so that he could be "at home" in MY home!!
Re: DH not happy in my "home"
Am I reading this correctly? I'm understanding that the overwhelming majority of the year you two live an apartment, and that his grown daughter lives in a house you two own in your hometown. You don't like what she's doing with the house while she's living there, despite the fact that she lives there in your absence for most of the year. Is that correct?
As for the not decorating the apartment, and your husband's reaction to it, he sounds like a tool. Can he logically explain to you why you can't feel festive in the home you live in the majority of the year?
So you move for his job, try to make the best of it and he stops you every time by behaving like a spoiled child who didn't get his way? Then on top of that he lets his daugther take over your home & doesn't want you to disrupt her there?!?!
Did you really not know he was a complete azzhole before you married him?
I would kick the daughter out, move back in to your home and tell him you'll consider joining him back in the apartment when he decides to grow up.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Let me guess: you didn't yell "I am your family, assh*le!" or flip him off and bring the Christmas decorations home anyway, am I right?
The problem here isn't that he's not at home in the apartment - the problem is that there's a huge power imbalance in your marriage.
Here's your problem, why did you marry someone when you don't think your relationship is strong enough to deal with life?
Time to put on your big girl panties
I've got your rainbows and ponies right here
This!
You are not wrong or being mean...he is! I'm sorry your husband is acting like such a jerk.
Has he always been this disrespectful towards you? When he acts this way, what do you say to him?
I think it's really telling that he's making a big deal out of such a small thing that would make you happy!
When I was in law school I had my own place. I didn't spend Christmas there, I went home for Christmas. But I still decorated it and had fun with it during the Christmas season so I didn't just get to experience it in the one or two days I was at home.
I think it's crap that he's making such a big deal out of something so trivial. I agree with Kuus. Sounds like you don't matter in the relationship and there's a serious power imbalance.
Oh yeah, I told him... then he got po'ed because I "went too far" and called him names. Discussing these issues with him is like talking to a brick wall, or banging my head against one.
I agree with the power imbalance. We are constantly in competition these days. Our relationship has grown an ugly, green, monstrous third head.
It's so good to get an outside perspective on things. He makes me feel like a bad person when I get mad!
Move home, kick his daughter out of your house, and decorate to your hearts content. Your DH will have fun staying in his sterile apartment without you.
Oh good heavens! Your relationship sounds like a trainwreck!
How long have you been married? How long did you date before you got married? How old is the daughter? How long will it take you to pack your bags and leave this guy?
so, what are you going to do about this imbalance?
who owns the house back home?
Why do you need his permission to deorate YOUR apartment?
I vote to leave his a$$ and go home.
I couldn't get past "Today he told me it was all... cow manure"
This would be my vote. Do you co-own the house that his daughter is living in? Is your name on the property? If so, I'd pack up and move back. Let his daughter move into the apt. with him.
No - you are not mean!
If you won't move, tell him either you will decorate this apt. or he can decide of the box on the street curb can or cannot have any decorations, b/c that is where he will be living!
This would be my vote. Do you co-own the house that his daughter is living in? Is your name on the property? If so, I'd pack up and move back. Let his daughter move into the apt. with him.
No - you are not mean!
If you won't move, tell him either you will decorate this apt. or he can decide of the box on the street curb can or cannot have any decorations, b/c that is where he will be living!
Is your name on the property? Like on the Title? IF so, go home, his daughter needs to move out. And he can stay in his apartment.
He doesn't consider YOU his family, is a REALLY HUGE RED FLAG!!
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
I vote you take down your fall decor, which I'm sure is very nice (and not at all fecal), and leave the azzhat alone in his sterile apartment to work.
You are not mean or wrong, he is a manipulative dovche bag. You have moved for his job, and tried to make the best of apartnment life. Instead of appreciating you and thanking you, he is treating you like total crap (definitely fecal).
Since he won't communicate, just pack all your stuff and leave when he is at work. If the house in the hometown is yours, kick SD out and send her to the apartment to live with Daddy. If the house is his, get a great place of your own and put up some kickazz decorations.
I am so sorry he is treating you like this. He is a total jerk.
My guess is that you can figure out her age from her name.
OP, you are NOT bad or wrong. You decorate to your heart's content and bring from your hometown or buy new whatever Christmas decorations you want. Better yet, head back to the hometown, kick the daughter out, and wait for H to come to his senses. Good luck.
My Blog
Wow! Your husband sounds unreasonable
OP - it would be nice if you responded to your own post.