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Vent: IL's
This is more a vent than anything, but thank you for listening! 
Dh and I went to MIL's for a family party the other day. Dh's uncle was there and while dh and I were playing with out 18 month old niece he asked us (in front of everyone) if we were practicing. Dh said no, we were just playing with our niece. Uncle said, "so when are you going to give the family a niece or nephew?" Dh said, "whenever we decide to." Uncle responded (this is not the first time he's done something like this before), "well we as your family have a right to know." I said, "why are you so concerned with our sex life? That's really creepy." Uncle kept going saying the family has a right to know when they will get another baby, the family wants a baby and we should provide, we've been married more than 2 years so what's wrong with us. At some point dh told him that we are leaving and then MIL jumped in and said, "oh no... if anybody leaves it will be him (referring to uncle)". He stopped after that but sheesh every dang time. Dh and I are young, we're 25 and 26, waaay too young to be thinking about kids. I don't know where all this pressure is coming from but it's really annoying.
On top of that we don't even know if we want kids. We keep hoping at some point the whole, "we want kids" gene will just pop up, but thus far nothing. Whenever my family asks we just say, "get back to us in 10 years", most people laugh, tell us that's smart, and move on. Not this uncle.
Sorry, I just needed to vent
Re: Vent: IL's
I think your DH did a good job of deflecting his questions, but next time I think he could be more direct. He let it play on too long.
"Uncle, it is not anyone's business (family or not) when we decide to start a family. I have refused to answer your past questions, and I will not answer future questions about this. We promise to let you know when you have a grand niece or nephew on the way. Until then, this topic is not up for discussion."
Then ignore. Don't answer. If you have to, leave.
Ditto Karen. Your DH did a good job, but he can do better!
You KNOW what this uncle is like. Stop playing along. Next time he says it's "his right", your DH needs to directly say "No, uncle, actually it's not. It's actually none of your business and I ask that you stop asking about it.".
He needs to be firm and direct.
I'll add this too - I dealt w/ infertility and while I don't normally say this, I will say it here. if the uncle still doesn't let up, I would actually have DH say to him "For all you know we have been trying since we got married. For all you know, we could be having problems. And as such, for all you know, each and every time you bring it up, you could be causing us a lot of pain. So please, keep at it. Don't worry about whose feelings you might be hurting."
You're not saying you ARE having problems, you're just bringing it up to him that you could be and by his harping on, he could be causing you all pain.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm sorry about your infertility issues. That must be horrific, but judging by your sig you got a cute little boy out of it!
The women in my family have a long history of miscarriages (my parents could actually be dh's parents based on age, because they tried for 6 years to have my older sister, then another 5 years to have me). I don't have any idea if I'll have that problem, too (my sister has already suffered miscarriages) but uncle's comments would destroy me if I was. Dh's family is so fertile, they can think about sex and get KO.
Dh and I talked about it and he did apologize for not being harsher with uncle. He said at the time it was really awkward and he was just trying to downplay, but that looking back he realizes he should have done more (we talked about this last night). I'll talk to him again tongiht, but thankfully he's very good at standing up for us so this shouldn't be an issue! Just stupid, rude uncle.
Thank you for the advice. I think in the future we may need to be prepared to leave, and actually do it, to get our point across. As I said to ECB, if I was suffering from infertility this would destroy me. He is so tactless, but at the same time dh's family is so fertile I wonder if he thinks that's just the way everyone is.
I've seen people respond to situations like this w/ answers like "Claim your infertile and run out of the room crying". When IF is being used as a cheap excuse, drives my bonkers.
But if you all put it out there as a "what if" w/o saying it's really the issue, it puts HIM on the spot. And then for the fact you could have problems (i hope you don't!!), it puts him in his place NOW so that he doesn't actually go down that path when it really could be very hurtful.
He sounds like a JA. Good luck, and I really dont' want to take anything away from your DH. He did stand up for you all, which is truly fantastic. now that he's done it once, hopefully it might just get a little easier in the future.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Unfortunately this is not the first time Dh has stood up for us to his family. Nor will it be the last.
His family has a few screws loose. He's normally very very good at it, this was just a one time incident in which he wasn't so great (but still good...). His uncle is just a jerk through and through.
Unfortunately this is not the first time Dh has stood up for us to his family. Nor will it be the last.
His family has a few screws loose. He's normally very very good at it, this was just a one time incident in which he wasn't so great (but still good...). His uncle is just a jerk through and through.
I would have asked the uncle if his sex life was so boring that he had to barge in to others sex lives to get a thrill
Happy, the best dog ever. ~February 1998 - July 22, 2012
I am "deaf-initely" one of a kind.
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I'm in complete agreement. My husband and I have been told that our odds are very slim that we will ever conceive. It is very hurtful when people make comments like "don't wait too long!"
ECB gave good advice. You can say things like "What if we are trying and having trouble? Your questions could be very hurtful." Just don't claim infertility unless it is true.
Also, a pre-emptive crossing of my fingers for you. My sister suffered several miscarriages before IVF gave her two beautiful kids. It is very difficult, so I hope that you don't have to go through that!
Good luck with the jackwagon uncle!
So why didn't you leave?
So, uncle digging in his heels. parking his asss and acting miffed was good enough for ya?
And to answer your question, the "pressure" is coming from an idiot uncle to likes to say "ga-ga, goo-goo" a few times a year, bounce a baby and feel happy for new parents without any of the burden and consequences of HAVING and RAISING the child.
It drives me nuts how older family members always have to assume that newlyweds have to immediately procreate. GAWD!!!! The family does NOT have a right to know - this uncle needs a hobby to keep himself busy and not into other family members' business. At least your MIL stuck up for you and told the uncle that he will be asked to leave if he doesn't knock it off.
My H and I are 42 and 38 and have been married 6 months - and when family members ask about kids I tell them we don't want any because we both think we're too old and pregnancy doesn't interest me. We're both happy with H's 12 year old DD. Most people would try to argue my point so I told them OUR opinion is what matters, and no one else's. Now I just say it's nobody's business because I'm tired of justifying our decision when I shouldn't have to.
Did you ever tell MIL you appreciated her publicly backing you up?
It seems like she came into it a bit late, but at least she did so.
I actually said "None of your fvcking business"
It stopped.