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Our family is fighting (just a vent)
Does anyone have this problem? Your spouse loves you so much he will tell people off on your behalf?
I have a very annoying sister. Very, very annoying. I realize that I must watch what I say about her to my husband. Why? Because he agrees, she's a couple of lottery numbers short of being a complete loser.
He tends to make passing comments and I'm thinking "sssshhh that's OUR secret...we will laugh at her later."
My sister and I had a terse discussion, she is not worth me arguing with her. Realizing how close the holidays upon us, I'm praying that he won't say something like "Nice boots...So when are you going to repay all the money you borrowed from everyone in your family?" or "Is there a reason you would let your children go outside looking this way?"
I talked to him the last time he made a comment to my mother about my sister. Just for laughs it was Easter my Mom talked about my nieces dresses and he jumped right in and said "I hope she did there hair." I emphasize...THAT'S BETWEEN US MAN!!! Sheesh.
Re: Our family is fighting (just a vent)
So, the rest of the family walks on egg shells around her and your H says the exact things everyone else is thinking? right?
Well, even though i know 1st hand on how that goes, you H needs to MYOB UNLESS the situation affects him directly. Im sure he would love you talking to his family like that!
Yep Magsugar -- you got it - almost.
My Mother is an enabler and of the rest of my family threw up their hands, no one will say anything anymore because they feel like they are wasting precious energy. If my Mom would just put her foot down things would change.
And yeah, I tell him - SHUTTY!!! We can laugh later. As for his family, he keeps his contact with them to a bare minimum. He refuses to waste time with similar buffoonery. He is wishing I would keep my interaction with my sister to darned near non-existent because she has so many unnecessary problems and he does not want us to spend any time on her.
I feel your pain...my mother was also an enabler to my nut job sister. I also gave up on the whole situation, but in my case I decided not to spend more than a few days a year in her company. M ajor holidays and my parents birthdays. Even those are hard. My parents created a monster and I refuse to be part of it.
Your H is right that you should limit contact. My mopther tried to talk me out of it a few times, but i told her flat out,,,you want ot enable that is your choice i do not have to make the same mistakes as you nor do i have t o expose myself to it. It took years and many tears to get my mom to back off.
Since my mom diedlast year it has been a lot easier since no one is trying to force a relationship.
Your H needs to keep his mouth shut unless your sister does something that directly impacts him. I have sisters, and I vent about them to my H when they irritate me, but I would absolutely not tolerate him being rude to either of them, or about either of them to other people.
If the two of you are going to discuss her in private, sure. But in public? How does that make him any kind of respectable?
This. Let him know that by saying "whatever is on his mind," to her, he is violating your confidences in him. This is not only about how he treats his sister, it's how he is treating YOU in the name of "standing up for you."
It shouldn't matter to your DH if your sister owes your mom $1 or $10K. It's none of his (or your) business, even if your mom phoned you crying about it.
Seems like a pretty simple concept. Why can't your DH get it?
Thanks ladies but, I identify most with Magsugar on this issue. I'm very sorry about your loss; no matter how long it's been.
My husband only comments on my sister. He wouldn't say anything if I told him about a friend or even another family member. It's just her. And that's how he deals with his sister - just the minimum.
My sister is very irresponsible and somehow my family has to step in and help her. He says she will never grow up because we are not strong with her. She totally disregards when I give her sound advice. Right now he's saying 'if she was properly embarrassed she would think twice...'
Example: She is a single parent - twins. They came over last year without socks. I asked my sister why don't they have on socks she just shrugged and told me they dress themselves. I bought the kids some socks and told them why they MUST wear socks. They come again, no socks. I wanted to know where the socks were. One child said 'we don't have any clean ones.' He quietly went nuts. He and I married later and have our own children separate of our marriage. Neither of us would allow our children to be without unless we were destitute.
My sister doesn't celebrate Halloween but my daughter volunteered to take her children. My husband was going to get them costumes until he learned my sister came into some money and spent it on who...herself.
If my sister walked in right this second he would probably tell her off. While I agree -- I told him it's not his place. But, he feels we spend wwwaaaayyy too much valuable time with her stupidity. FYI, if my sister did show up, I would say something about the costumes and segue into how she could better spend her money especially since my daughter just gave her kids tons of sneakers my daughter didn't need.
I shake my head as I write this -- it's insane! Maybe I should let him at her because this has been this way for eons!
I'd leave him home. Put him in time out, so to speak, until he can have tactful and socially appropriate conversations with your family.
But before you do... could I take your H to my ILs house with me? I think my H could learn a thing or two.
YOU need to stop enabling her as well. Your H needs to keep his mouth shutand YOU need to get him to do so. He is 100% right, BUT it is not his place.
I do agree with him though you need to step back ans stop getting involved in her life.
Why do you feel the need to spend so much time with her and her wackiness? Why do you keep thinkning she will do the right thing
?
My life is so much more stressful now that i see her a few times a year. Berfore my mother died i told her she was no longer allowed to call me in regards to my sister or all her BS. If mom wanted to deal that was her business, but it was mine NOT to. She caught on quickly.
Honestly unless you stop the cycle it wont get better, and unless you get really tough with your H he wont stop either!
I agree Magsugar. But, would you believe I only lay eyes on the woman on this woman maybe four times a year!
Our biggest interactions are Thanksgiving and Christmas. BUT, since I got married, she calls for favors. She NEVER calls to say hello. When we see her name on the caller id my husband says "what now?"
I don't give her the things she asks for because I'm insulted that all she does is ask for something...
Can your husband put in my air conditioner? (He helped)
Can I use your computer? (2 out of 10 requests)
Can you lend me money?(HELL NO)
Can you co-sign a loan? (ARE YOU STUPID?)
Can your husband help me move? (WE'VE DRAWN A LINE)
Are you making Thanksgiving? (NOT THIS YEAR!)
I hate being the mean sister that says LEAVE ME THE "F" ALONE! But, I get tense when I see her number.
You're right. I'm just too caught up in what other people (my family) will say. In my family I am the MEAN GIRL.
I am no fuss, no muss, no BS -- I just let you know. But, when my mother would wince when I just lay it on the line -- I tried to soften up.
No, I don't have that problem. My H has tact.
Then again, my sister is awesome, so I don't have that issue either.
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Well, like I said you are enabling her as well. If you want it to stop YOU must do the stopping. Then get the same attitiude with your H and use your no fuss on him, you havent done such a good job with him either on this subject.
My take- stop worrying about upsetting your family and start worrying about upsetting your DH. Because I have to wonder if you did what YOU wanted to do (stop enabling your sister) if your DH would stop feeling like he needed to make comments.
And ditto mags and the others, you have to deal w/ the issues that directly affect you. I get where your DH is coming from, but when it's over stuff that doesn't affect youall, he needs to back off.
It sucks that she doesn't make her kids wear socks. But it isn't YOUR PLACE to correct this about them. It's fine to buy them socks, but you can' tget upset when they don't "listen" to you. You aren't their mother. You're an aunt they see 3 or 4 times a year.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Enabler no...gossip - yes. Gossipy enough to say to my H "you are not going to believe this..."
My sister pure and simply uses people. My family gets frustrated and runs to me -- even when I say "I don't care and I don't want to hear it." They need someone to vent to. Sometimes I just listen and sometimes I tell my family what I would have done in that circumstance. But, I think my sister feels now that I'm married I'm about to soften up my very, very firm positions. And that's why she was comfortable enough to think I would violate one of my huge rules "I don't lend money over $50." Otherwise, anything she asks, I say no. I told her my house is not a library - get a computer.
As for her kids and the socks, those were a Christmas present. I chose socks because they didn't have any on and they were CHEAP! I will not let this woman think I'm going to spend all my money on her children! This year, I got them hats & gloves - of which she will allow them to lose.
What drove me to the board for this post was my husband and I are planning to pay my Mother's expenses for a month or two as a holiday gift. My sister has just dropped the bomb, she is going to move in with my Mother. My husband said he's not helping some grown irresponsible woman and her kids. And he's ready to say that if we part with money.
It is now putting a damper on what WE give as a gift. My Mother really could use the help -- she's on a fixed income. My husband will have an attitude beyond belief if we give a gift and he senses my sister or her children will use (or damage) the gift. (Ladies please don't suggest spa treatments, clothing, dishes, etc. my Mom has no use for that)
I'm thinking of telling everyone 'my husband and I are not celebrating the holidays this year' thanks for your understanding. Then wait to see how long my sister will each off my Mom and then give her a gift later.
Now that I wrote this, I guess this should have been MY ORIGINAL post. Thanks!
if my dh didn't have a brain to mouth filter i think i'd choke him. your DH is completely inappropriate-no matter what your sister does.
For food (if that was a part of your plan), buy her a gift certificate to the store that covers her regular food bill. Sure, the food she buys could be eaten by your sister.
But in the end, i would assume you know what her expenses are. If they are (lets say) $1000, you can still pay $1000 to help her. If they go up to $1200 because of your sister, oh well. That additional $200 is on your mom and sister.
You and DH won't be out any additional money.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
LOL - Return of Ku -- yep he's loveable! If he could he'd wear a Superman cape and correct the 'injustices' of the world starting with my family.
The original story is pretty moot. Last night I told him my Mom will not be his pal if he tells off her kid.
Our original idea was to pay for her light/gas and cable bills because my Mom mentioned she was behind on those and was trying to make ends meet. By herself it's not too much and our limited budget can handle that.
We are both thumbs down for two reasons a) with added people the bills will increase and b) my sister works (I however was laid off) and she should pay the bills since she's moving in to this woman's one bedroom apartment.
He started recounting the time my nieces trippled my mother's cable bill when they ordered Hannah Montana every single day on pay-per-view. My Mother didn't even know about pay-per-view until she saw the bill. I don't think my sister ever paid off the bill. He and I burst into laughter at the mention of Hannah Montana.
When my Mom came over he said "Ooo look Hannah Montana's coming on and it's on FREE tv." We all laughed but, that's the stuff I want him to refrain from.
Whenever a woman posts here that her husband's family is sucking the life out of their marriage, we tell her that she doesn't have an in-law problem, she has a husband problem, and that HE needs to be the one to draw a line in the sand and tell his family what's what. Well, the same applies in your situation: your husband is your primary family now. Everyone is right- it's not his place to make these comments to your family. That's because it's YOUR place. You need to grow a spine and stop enabling your family and letting them have a negative impact on your life as a married couple.
If you choose to pay your mom's bills as a gift, ECB is right- pay them directly. Do not trust your mom to use the money as she is supposed to. Better yet, maybe you could give her some sessions with a financial planner or budget counselor as your gift.
Thanks ladies, much appreicated -- the vent was great.
When the opportunity arises, I am going to let my husband have his forum! He can say whatever he wants. No more Mrs. Manners for me on this.
I read and at times re-read the posts and there are a number of times. I see I am repeating myself on some aspects. When I was about to write for third time I have a backbone, that's when it dawned on me -- some people just don't "listen" to ME.
Backbone? Mmmpphh, my family will tell you I am not the one to mess with. They might say I am a fire breathing dragon when I am not happy. Or they might say I will leave a person in a corner crying when I am done with what I have to say.
However, my sister is immune. ALL affected family members (be it directly or indirectly) has addressed her--including my Mom. When my father was live he said to her 'you are a waste of air.' So things like giving money to her or my Mom ended a LONG time ago!
And this dialog with all of you has really sparked me. I liked what a poster said about if this was me complaining about his family!
A new voice and approach is now necessary! If she's offended, tough! If anyone else in my family gets upset - tough. Because my family needs ME way more than we need them; that's how it has always been.
As for my Mom and the gift. She's on a fixed income. Her finances took a beating after a hospitlization. My child (who's in college), husband and I do little things here and there for her because she had been so sick that we thought unstressing her with a few bills being paid would really lift her spirits.
Thanks ladies and on behalf of the Mr. I'm sure he'd thank you too!
Just b/c you give a gift, it doesn't mean it has to be unlimited. For example, if you pay your mom's cable bill, tell her you will pay $80/month for cable (or whatever her average use is) for 3 months or $260 total - whatever comes first. The additional Disney episodes will be on her. You could also help her to put a freeze on PPV movies on her account. Ditto with the gas/electric bill.
That being said, I would be hesitant to enable the enabler. Your mom doesn't seem to have a financial problem b/c of her fixed income. She has a financial problem b/c she supports her sister and children.
Cable stuff was blocked, the story was about him "re" counting the story.
You are missing my point. If my sister lives there she SHOULD PAY the utilities -- period. Why should we give our money and allow her to benefit for even one hour off utilities we are providing?
My Mother was in the hospital and the bills are beyond her benefits. We CANNOT afford those. But, we can afford to pay a month or two of cable and light/gas. If we pay something towards her medical...it is MEANINGLESS her bills are so high our money is like spitting on the bill.
Let me say this in financial terms.
Her gas/electric is $40 (I am pretending) and we plan to give $200 -- ok five months on us! And we do not expect to hear "OMG, I just got a disconnection notice" until say June. And that's one less thing to bother her.
But, say we just pay $200 in December and then in January she says "thank you guys so much for your help...my light bill is now $120 a month since I had the kids with me..." We are going to lose it. I alone would eat the face off my sister and my Mother will start clutching her heart.
Now you might say "well if she runs up the bill - she should pay." And I will LMAO! That's the problem - she doesn't pay her bills!
So, I'm ready to cancel Christmas and tell my Mom, I don't have it right now. Then pay the bill AFTER my sister leaves. But, I'm such a festive person, I love Christmas!!!
So - - learn to love Valentine's Day or Mother's Day!