Sex & Romance
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Boyfriend can't have sex with me
I am a middle-aged widow, now dating my high school boyfriend. He has been unable to have intercourse with me but has no problem masterbating, He thinks its because we loves and cherishes me so much. He says he's always treated sex as a conquest or even a little depraved (dirty) and can't treat me the way he's treated all the previous women in his life. He has been alone for a few years and has resorted to watching a lot of internet porn, which has also distorted his view of sex. He want's to be intimate and loving with me but sex has never been intimate and loving for him before.
I love him dearly. We are soul mates but I can't see a sexless future with him. Does anyone have any advise on how to overcome thins hangup of his?
Re: Boyfriend can't have sex with me
Let me address this before Tarpon does.
Sounds like a classic case of Madonna-Whore complex.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madonna%E2%80%93whore_complex
This isn't something that will go away without therapy on his part and a lot of patience and understanding on yours. If ever.
Best of luck to you.
This
So has your "soul mate" ever been married? In a long term relationship? With a person, not his hand?
When you attempt intercourse, does his penis go limp once intercourse is initiated? Is he unable to get an erection at all?
Is he capable of just snuggling in bed (emotional intimacy) with you without sex being in the offering? Is he capable of just getting you off without having an orgasm himself?
What is his kink? What kind of porn has he been watching? Will he watch it with you?
If he has been masturbating for years, he probably has acclimated himself to respond only to the firm pressure of his hand with the auto-feedback loop into his brain. Really, there is no way that you can duplicate those sensations. Your bf must stop masturbating and limit all sexual expression to you -- trust me, his desire will want to find an outlet and will start to respond to the stimulation that your body can provide.
But the bottom line is that he either needs a lot of therapy to get over his hangup or you need to move on. He doesn't sound emotionally/sexually available to you and that makes him NOT your soul mate.
Oh come on 'ladies'!!....don't be so mean minded and negative. This strikes a new low even for this forum...
To the OP,...theres more to a loving relationship than just sex, and there many more than one way of expressing both love and lust! Also theres more to love and sex than just intercourse.....
Firstly, if he really does care for you he will give up both porn and masturbation for you while you both get yourselves sorted out. When all is needs are expressed with you in the room you will both be able to start a real sex-life with mutual orgasms. No real man is going to ignore a real live woman in his arms to think about remote sex for very long. Get him to tell you all about his sexual needs, impulses and interests,..get him to open his mind and think about sex and physical tenderness and love in ALL of it's many colours and flavours.
Start out by enjoying lots of cuddling and affection, then try to bring him off by your hand only while he talks to you about anything he wants to,...be patient. When he is used to this, get him to give YOU pleasure using his hands/lips only and JUST for you so that he need not get excited until/unless he really wants to .......Be positive,..be loving ,..but stay calm and practical about it all. DON'T expect miracles too quickly,..but DO expect to achieve a loving physical relationship with a lover......
Good Luck,..and congratulations on finding a loving mate!
Bugle, normally I respect your opinions and appreciate seeing a man's view on the topics here. However, I really don't think your advice will help the OP. Your advice makes it sound like the problem will just go away with enough cuddling and patient handjobs. It sounds like there are years of conditioning at work here, and intense therapy is the only thing that will break through. The man's got a fundamental opposition to being sexual with someone he loves, and all the patient handjobs in the world won't change that.
OP, please encourage your sweetheart to seek out therapy.
Yes, we've been naked together. He gives me incredible orgasms but then he can't get an erection.
I agree that he would probably benefit from therapy. I'm also working another angle. I want him to tell me about his fantasies and the porn he likes to watch. It may be something I'd be into and that might be a good starting point.
OP, let's go back to my questions.
Is he unable to get aroused with you? Or unable to get an erection?
Unless he sees this as a problem (and unless he wants to wank off alone for the rest of his life, it IS a problem), he isn't going to be able to be a complete partner to you. If he *wants* to be with you, he will go about finding the source of his issue (medical or psychological). If he isn't willing to move heaven and earth to be fully intimate with you, he isn't your "soul mate".
I was kinda thinking the same thing. Maybe you should ask him if he has an STD. If he has one, he might not want to give it to you, and he might be too ashamed to tell you.
How long have you two been dating? If it's not very long and he's still nervous about the idea of having sex with you, that may be affecting his performance (call it stage fright, if you will).
Therapy sounds like a good idea regardless though. You may want to take a look at the kind of porn he watches as well, to see if maybe he has a specific kink that he's dependent on for pleasure.
It sounds like he may have turned sex into a dirty thing in his mind, through porn...I think therapy is your best bet.
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