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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
I just don't understand this LIP
I mean, is it so hard to sit down and have a face-to-face convo with your DH/SO?
Or to even stand up for yourself and say "Hey, Remember me? Your wife? Stop playing those f*cking video games with your friends at all hours."?
Maybe it's me speaking from inside my bubble of a healthy relationship, but IDK.
http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/44611496/ShowThread.aspx#44611496
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Re: I just don't understand this LIP
There is alot of stuff I see on these boards that I don't understand.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I guess if you have an immature relationship or immature DH it's not so easy to have what we'd consider a grown-up face to face conversation.
I read most of these threads and think - how to do these women tolerate such a crappy relationship? Is it because they don't know any better? I tolerated a lot of crap in my past relationships because I didn't have a lot of self worth. I guess they wouldn't necessarily know that they could find men who would respect them if they haven't worked on learning to respect themselves.
So much. I shake my head and just don't respond to most of them b/c it's so repetitive after a while.
I also think that women, much more so than men, are brought up w/ this expectation that you're supposed to get married. It's what you "do" when you're a grown up. And I think many women get so focused on finding a guy to marry and then asking "will he marry me?" that they lose sight of whether this guy is really the right guy for them, or even a GOOD guy.
I have a friend who has a 10 year old DD. A couple years ago we were joking about something, and I made some comment about how I better be invited to her wedding. And almost as soon as those words were out of my mouth, I wanted to take them back.
I don't want to contribute to her, or any female's, expectation of what they are "supposed" to do w/ their lives, or that they "have" to get married.
I have a friend who is in her late 30's and still single. Just the other night she was talking about how she really does believe that she's happier being single than she would have been if she had forced herself to marry someone "just" to get married (she did date a guy for awhile who wanted to marry her, but it just didn't feel right, so she walked away from it). She WANTS to find someone, she would ultimately like to be married, but she absolutely is not willing to settle in order to make that happen.
GOOD. it's a refreshing attitude, especially after what I read on these boards at times!
But still, I think we are brought up w/ this expectation that the right path in life is to grow up and get in a serious relationship, and if you dont', there must be something wrong w/ you. So many women try to fit a square peg into a round hole.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
YES, to all of this. It drove me crazy hearing girls (in HS or college) say things like "I need a boyfriend." No, you don't. You want one. You never need one. And these were the same girls that measured their self-confidence based on which guy they were hooking up w/ or dating.
"
I guess if you have an immature relationship or immature DH it's not so easy to have what we'd consider a grown-up face to face conversation.
I read most of these threads and think - how to do these women tolerate such a crappy relationship? Is it because they don't know any better? I tolerated a lot of crap in my past relationships because I didn't have a lot of self worth. I guess they wouldn't necessarily know that they could find men who would respect them if they haven't worked on learning to respect themselves."
This.
My current SO is a gamer, too. He used to play "professionally" many years ago. He says he uses the game as a stress relief. He used to be pretty addicted to WoW, but when it began to affect our relationship to the point when he was saying, "Hun, we can't stay too long as so-and-so, I have to be back at 9 pm to raid!" he knew there was an issue and we talked about it and he quit completely (which was a big thing at the time because he played many years before we even met and was a pretty 'big' player, supposedly). He still plays more often than I'd like, and let's face it, when he talks to his friends over Xbox, there are times I feel like I am being left out/ignored. But when I feel like he is crossing over OUR personal time by playing too long, I will stand up and say something ("Hey can we go outside for a walk? You've been in front of that tv all day and I want to spend some time with you"). And he listens to me.
I totally agree with you: So what is SO HARD about saying this?! I don't understand people, either. And I don't think bribing your husband with sex to tear him away from the games it quite the answer, either. Sheesh!
I mean, is it so hard to sit down and have a face-to-face convo with your DH/SO?
I don't know what is scarier, the fact that this doesn't come to mind for her or the fact that so many people responded that they have similar problems.
Yeah, me too.
It has already been said, but I credit insecurity and a real fear or anxiety of being alone (actually, that is related to the insecurity, but it is usually very apparent) to a lot of the "stuff" I see on these boards. Be it staying with someone with him you can't communicate, or with someone who clearly is not committed to you, and so on. They become dependent on the dynamic in a way.
Some people would rather settle for what they "know", even if they complain about it all the time and feel unfulfilled, and convince themselves "everyone has problems/every relationship has problems like this" then to take the risk. Of course, when their peers complain about going through the same thing, they just believe it even more! But it really grates on me when posters come for advice, and they say "well, EVERYONE has problems" and don't believe that a relationship should not be THAT much work.
I want to bang my head against a wall sometimes....ha!
And it won't change until they really, really develop a better sense of self. Which often means ending the relationship they are in. It becomes a twisted cycle.
The solution to these things is NOT donning a sexy teddy. That may be a diversion, but something far more fundamental is going on. Like immaturity, a lack of connection and communication, of emotional intimacy, etc.
At the end of the day, like attracts like. Meaning until they ARE emotionally healthy, they are not going to attract (or be attracted) to emotionally healthy partners. And so, until they get there, they probably will not believe how different it can be (and how much more fulfilling and loving it is).
When I was in law school, a friend of mine who was also a student there and who'd been in the Womyn's Coalition in undergrad (we went to the same very liberal and progressive university too) turned around to me one day and said, "We need to find guys, get married, and have kids!"
My response was, "We, who? Not me!"
She scared the crap out of me and made me really sad. Seriously, a woman who was about to become an attorney, who'd been adamant enough about women's rights to be in the college club that refused to spell it "women"... talking about needing guys, marriage, kids? WTF?!
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So many women are brought up thinking this, and they've all pegged 25 as the age by which they "have" to be married, otherwise they lose. At life, I guess. The number of divorces between my 10-year HS reunion and my 20-year HS reunion is staggering. Of course that's not true 100% of the time -- one of my HS classmates got married when she was a freakin' junior (seriously, in the 11th grade) and they're still going strong.
I have a friend who is in her late 30's and still single. Just the other night she was talking about how she really does believe that she's happier being single than she would have been if she had forced herself to marry someone "just" to get married (she did date a guy for awhile who wanted to marry her, but it just didn't feel right, so she walked away from it). She WANTS to find someone, she would ultimately like to be married, but she absolutely is not willing to settle in order to make that happen.
My oldest sister is 32 and has this same attitude.
I posted this in response to her, if nothing else works.
http://youtu.be/Gf9IQ6Te6ss