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My Husband doesn't want kids :(
My husband is in the Army National Guard, and recently just returned from a 10 week training course- the longest we'd ever been away from each other. This was very difficult for us.
I have always wanted children. I am an only child and have always resented it. As far back as I can remember, I have wanted a BIG family, at least 4 or 5 kids. My husband and I dated for 6 1/2 years before getting married, and what convinced me that it would work was that he told me that more than anything in the world, he wanted to be a dad (this was totally out of the blue and was not provoked by me). We just got married in May, and now, upon his return from his training, he informed me that he doesn't want any children. Not now, not ever.
I am absolutely heart broken. I have dreamed about being a mom forever, my parents have dreamed about being grandparents. More than anything in the whole world, I want to be a mother. I have been waiting my whole life to have children.
That being said, I love my husband, and I think that someday he'd be a great father. I promised myself to him for better or for worse. I can't see myself with anyone else, and I could never leave him over this. But on the same token, the prospect of never becoming a mother is literally depressing me. Pregnancy is EVERYWHERE. The more I want to talk about the issue, the more put off my husband gets.
Any advice??
Thank you
I have always wanted children. I am an only child and have always resented it. As far back as I can remember, I have wanted a BIG family, at least 4 or 5 kids. My husband and I dated for 6 1/2 years before getting married, and what convinced me that it would work was that he told me that more than anything in the world, he wanted to be a dad (this was totally out of the blue and was not provoked by me). We just got married in May, and now, upon his return from his training, he informed me that he doesn't want any children. Not now, not ever.
I am absolutely heart broken. I have dreamed about being a mom forever, my parents have dreamed about being grandparents. More than anything in the whole world, I want to be a mother. I have been waiting my whole life to have children.
That being said, I love my husband, and I think that someday he'd be a great father. I promised myself to him for better or for worse. I can't see myself with anyone else, and I could never leave him over this. But on the same token, the prospect of never becoming a mother is literally depressing me. Pregnancy is EVERYWHERE. The more I want to talk about the issue, the more put off my husband gets.
Any advice??
Thank you
Re: My Husband doesn't want kids :(
Was He like this before he left for the 10 week training course? Something obviously happened to change his mind.... did he mention anything? Even the smallest thing? What is his reasoning on why he does not want children now?
I'm sorry this is happening to you. I really feel for you. But you really need to address this because this hurt will grow into a nasty resentful monster.
EDIT: I would also suggest marriage counseling. It might help. You did say that the 10 week training camp was really hard on you 2.
Also, I would suggest seeking out the Military Nesties Board (not to say you are not welcome here... you are
......) but perhaps there are some people on there who might have had similar experiences.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
No, he wasn't like this before he left. Even while he was gone, he would talk to me on the phone about how he couldn't wait to come home and start a family. Then, about a day after he comes home, he drops this bomb. He has always not been very fond of kids, but has always said that he just didnt like other people's children, that he was sure his own would be different.
I am a teacher and was a child study major in college. I am also a nanny. Kids are my life.
I am wondering if something changed in OUR relationship that is making him think about how having kids with me would definately link us together forever. We're young, both 22, and right out of college. We started dating 7 years ago today.
I have no idea what's going on. It's not just the kid thing, he seems to be avoiding me alot all together. Other than for sex.
I would strongly suggest counseling. And sooner than later because of what I said about the "resentment" forming.
Something is obviously going on with him.... and he probably is having a hard time communicating it.
I would also take it easy on the children issue for awhile.
But please seek out marriage counseling.
Again, I know you are heart broken..... I wish I could say something that would make you feel like everything is going to be ok...... and it could.
But I think that a marriage counselor is in order since it seems like you both want different things. I also think it will help you and your H's communication. You can also talk about the wanting children and not wanting children issue.
Best of Luck. And keep us posted. Even just for support, Ok.
Hugs
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
I agree that you should seek marriage counseling. If he is avoiding you in general, clearly there is a big issue that needs to be worked out.
How often do you talk about having kids? The way you talk about dreaming about being a mom, waiting your whole (short) life about being a mom, etc leads me to believe you talk about it a lot. You are both still so young, maybe he is just getting freaked out if he thinks you want kids now now now now now, and so his response is to just shut down completely.
If after counseling he still holds the opinion that he no longer wants kids, then you have a hard decision to make. If you will not be happy if you are not a mother, then I don't see how you can stay in your marriage. I really don't see how there is any way your marriage wouldn't be miserable and full of resentment. Yes, you made a commitment to him, but you also entered the marriage with an agreement to have children. Children are one issue that cannot be compromised on - you either want them or you don't, and neither side should be pressured to give in.
Ok just read your other post on Military Nesties that explains that he is also deleting text messages and is keeping his phone away from you.
Sounds like he is cheating. Sorry. I wouldn't be surprised if the new no kids thing is his way of trying you get you to file for divorce.
Counseling could help if he's willing.
I read your post on the Military board and I have to agree that it sounds fishy with the phone and text messages.
However, you are both young, somewhat recently married and perhaps 10 weeks away put him in a sort of funk. Is his behavior otherwise normal?
I would act on it sooner rather than later.
He probably realized that marrying the person he was dating before he was even old enough to take driver's training was a huge mistake and he wants out.
And yes, if he's hiding his phone from you and deleting text messages, he's got a piece on the side and he met him/her during that 10-week training. Get tested and get out.
Read my siggy. Chalk this one up as a starter marriage. Next time around make sure you discuss important things like children before you get married -- and by discuss I mean actually have more than one conversation about it; don't just wait for him to bring it up out of the blue one time and figure you're both on the same page.
Eh, skip the counseling, go straight to the divorce. Your H doesn't want children, now or ever. Even if you go to counseling, and after counseling he says he "wants" children, don't you think you'll always wonder if he really wanted them or is just having them for you?
Your H changed the rules once you were married, for one reason or another. Whatever his reasoning/thought process was, that's not fair. Especially for something like having children!
Combine with that the sketchy phone behavior, and you've got a big problem on your hands. Divorce. Sooner rather than later.
Sorry, it does sound like he cheated on you while he was at training. It's very common. If you're not going to leave him over that, you have to keep in mind that this training was nothing compared to an actual deployment. That will be at least a year long, and much more stressful for the two of you as individuals and as a couple. If he couldn't even make it through training without being unfaithful, it's not likely he's going to be a good husband to you in the future, especially when things get really tough.
I know you're going through a rough time here, so I hate to lecture you, but this is exactly why it's a good idea to wait until you're a little older to get married and usually not a good idea to marry the only person you've ever dated. As soon as your husband got to experience a little bit of the life as an adult, he realized there's a whole world of people to meet out there. I agree that he wants out of the marriage, but doesn't want to come clean about what he did. He's trying to give you a reason to divorce him so he doesn't have to look like the bad guy.
The only way your marriage can possibly be saved is if he fesses up about the infidelity and the two of you make a serious commitment to counseling. If he's not willing to do that, it doesn't matter how much you're willing to do to work things out. Marriage cannot be one-sided. The National Guard has free counseling services for families- suggest to your husband that you use them. If he's resistant, you have your answer.
I'm on the same page as Ziti. W/o even knowing about the phone stuff, the fact that you're 22 and you've been together 7 years. Since you were 15...?!?!
That alone makes me say "he's realizing there is more to life than settling down w/ someone you've been w/ since you were a KID.". I think this is about more than just having children. I think this is him thinking "Cripes - why am I trying to grow up faster than I am ready to....".
And I also agree- w/ all your talk here of dreaming of/ wanting/ can't wait to have kids - I think it's much more a topic of discussion on your end than you may even realize.
Then, couple all of this w/ the fact that he might be cheating... come on. why are you saying "I won't leave him over this". come ON. If you don't leave, if you try to "force" this relationship to make it - you're going to end up old and miserable. There is no way you're going to find happiness and contentment w/ this man. You just aren't.
Divorce, give yourself a couple years ALONE (as in, dont' date the next guy who comes along). Figure out who YOU are as an adult, as a single person. Then, down the road, worry about getting married and having kids. You're only 22. You have time. Lots and lots of time.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree with Ziti. It sounds like he met someone at training and is looking for a fast way out of the marriage. I am sorry you're going through this, but if being a mother is that important to you--you really should be with someone who feels the same way about being a father.
I'm with the previous posters. I'm sorry to hear that he changed his mind, but if you ask me, when you marry, you're setting up expectations and shared plans, and if someone changes the agreement later, to me it's a potential deal breaker.
I have no idea what happened when he was away for those ten weeks, but if his behavior has changed significantly upon his return, then something happened. Something big. Whether he cheated or realized something about himself or the world out there, it almost doesn't matter because it resulted in him changing his mind about something you two agreed upon prior to your marriage.
But here's the plus: you're young. You're really a kid and you have all the time in the world to find that right guy. You're actually the age that most women first start dating serious towards long-term relationship (after college), and it's totally normal. If you want to try and have enough confidence in him, give counseling a try. See how you feel about it, see if you think that being with this man, this changed man, is what you want. And then decide.
I know that a lot of the advice on these boards is to divorce immediately when any troubles of this sort start, and having been through one, I know how unrealistic that advice can be. Deciding to divorce is a huge deal and not to be taken lightly. But keep in mind, deciding to NOT divorce is just as big a deal, and to a certain extent, even less to be taken lightly.
Good luck to you.
XP from MN:
The issues you have posted here, and on the FM board, are related so I am replying to both threads with the same post, since I am not sure which you will check.
Honestly, I think your husband either met someone at training, or found a new group of friends at training that are not married, etc (or a combination of both is more likely), and it has had him reevaluate his choice to marry you and so forth and so the secrecy, and the kid thing, are manifestations of that. I don't buy for a second that he is talking to a friend about his issues between you and therefore needed to lock his phone. Why is he not talking to YOU, or a counselor? Nope, something fishy is going on here and he is not being honest with you.
Those that are NOT committed to their partnerships/marriages often find plenty of opportunity at training to explore their non-commitment with others who are either single or equally as non-committed (both H and I are former military and have seen plenty of that). A commitment exists, or does not exist, independent of marital status...and for many they may be married (or in a relationship) but they are clearly not committed.
The rapid turnaround on not having kids is probably due to a mixture of realizing having kids "in reality" is far different than thinking of them in the abstract (and is related to the probability he met someone at training), and knowing it is such a major issue for you it is also pushing you into making a decision (so he is not the bad guy).
He is not "wrong" for not wanting kids. Many wonderful people in the world make a choice not to have children, for example. Nor are you wrong for wanting them. He may very well have believed he DID want them before he married you....often people may "want" them as it is what they believe they should want, or they may like them in the abstract. But clearly, something has to give here. And the truth is in this scenario it will most likely end up being you. Can you readily move forward with decision never to have children? Without resentment? And this is just pretending that there is nothing else going on (I think there is). Personally, I am at a stage in my life I am on the fence about kids, and it could go either way. If I never had them, I would not feel anything is missing. But, that being said, for some having children is incredibly important and not having them is not something they could live happily with.
Look, you have been together since you were 15. You are now 22. You have missed out on a LOT of the opportunities to grow as individuals and so forth, on your own. Just because you care about each other, and love each other, and have been together for 7 years, does not mean you were/are ready for marriage. Maybe he is realizing this. Or maybe he is just realizing he wants to experience more as a single guy, including other women and getting married to the girl he has been with since he was 15 was something he did as he thought he "should", not because he genuinely wanted to or was ready for it.
I am also curious about your statement (in the FM post) that him saying he wanted to be a dad "convinced you it would work". What does that mean? Does that mean otherwise you had concerns about him as a life long partner? I know a girl who married someone as he would be a "great father". That was what she told people when they asked why she married him! Well, now they have found out they are infertile and she is married to a lazy man-child (he would have made a great playmate for a child, a father is another issue). He is a lousy husband.
I actually find it a bit sad that your entire life has almost been geared towards having kids...I think that has probably led you to make a poor choice in marrying when (and who) you did, and has stifled some of your growth. Again, nothing wrong with wanting kids (even wanting them a LOT), but if it has become your "entire life goal" you have likely missed out on a lot of other opportunities, and it indicates that if you had kids you would make them your entire life too. As one lovely poster on the Nest cites, "babies should not be born with jobs". You are also being dependent on factors you cannot control for that to happen - like fertility, a father, and so on. Your happiness should not be so dependent on things outside your control.
It is for reasons like this people generally encourage people to wait until they have grown up and experienced life a little - and become more self-aware - before they get married. A marriage is best when you have two healthy and complete individuals coming together. I don't think that is what happened here, at all. I think you are both very young, and even younger for the reason you HAVE been together since you were 15 and not had the opportunity to explore yourself as individuals (i.e. this training of 10 weeks is the most time you have spent apart on your own!) before marrying.it sounds to me that, seeing he's 22, that perhaps he changed his mind. 22 is SO young and the years of dating (from 15 onward) was kids dating in high school and college (meaning not real world stuff-school world). i'm thinking that perhaps he may have grown up and changed his mind.
i would also suggest counseling. perhaps, aside of the age thing, something else changed his mind. maybe he feels he's too young to start a family and is saying no now because he doesn't want to grow up yet in that way. or maybe he's just plain scared.
i also wonder if something happened while he was away. PTSD can have AWFUL reprocussions on people.
i can also see, that if his decision came from either PTSD or growing up, that if you keep harping on it that it would irritate him.
i think counseling is an excellent idea-for him and for you individually as well as a couple. good luck. that had to be very difficult and devistating for you to hear. i hope you can work it out somehow.
I am quite curious as to how in depth your conversations about having kids were. Was it "oh I really want kids", "oh, me too baby!". Or was it ongoing discussions about your expectations regarding raising children, parenting, when, how, and so forth?
How often have you seen him interact with children to SHOW he would be a great father (or are you just taking him at his word)?
He was in training, not deployed.
I don't downplay PTSD - my own H had some PTSD related issues after a few tours overseas - but OP's husband was at training for ten weeks and likely has never left the U.S. yet in military service given that is the longest they have been apart.....he was not deployed overseas in a combat zone.
well there goes that theory.
sorry-i clicked reply after reading the last response so i couldn't go and re-read her post as i was answering. that part of the nest irritates me.
He says that now. 22 is still young. Maybe he went through the training with a person who was traumatized over having to leave their child for 10 weeks, or worse - for a deployment. Or perhaps he's just not ready and likes the idea of not having that responsibility - yet. But who's to say he may not change his mind in 5 years? A lot of my friends said "I'm never getting married and if I do, I'm never having kids," back when we were in our early 20s. 10 years later they have families of 2,3 even 4 children.
I agree counseling will help - maybe he has this deep feeling of fear that he'll fail as a father - who knows. Getting it out in the open is the best way to start so whatever caused this change of heart could be addressed. GL!
I'm hoping that you can overcome this obsticle in your marriage but thought you may like to know that even in the Catholic church refusing to having children with you spouse is means for annulment.
On the positive side... In the past I dated a guys who was in the military and he was strongly against having children while he was in the Army due to the danger in his job. It was so important to him that he be there while they grew up that he didn't want to be in such a dangerous career while being a parent. Could something have happened surring training that made him reflect on the danger of his job and what that may do to and children he could leave behind? This new attitude may have a more emotional side than he's letting on,,, but maybe not.
Best of luck
I am so sorry you are going through this. I havent been able to lurk on all the other post...sorry bad headache =(
I will say I agree with the few I read you need to get into couples councling, however I will say after I got married, finished school, and started working full time there was a time when I was overwhelmed and felt like I wasn't sure if I want kids anymore. However after a few months and getting settled in getting use to my work schedule I def want kids.
He might just have had his overwhelming moment from being away from you and even though you all were talking he might just started realizing how much more stress being away from you and kids and freaked out, it could easily pass. Once he gets use to being away and being married it could calm down, but I would really get to councling just to be safe.
I am sorry you are going through this. If you spoke about this before marriage and DH was on board, him changing his mind like that would be an absolute deal breaker, no matter how much I loved my DH.
good luck
What it a mobilization training course? I'm a NG wife too and I'm APPALLED that some people had the first reaction he cheated on you. What is more likely to have happened is that sometime during his training, the reality of deployment and his morality set in and he's afraid to have children because he doesn't want to die with kids. A lot of the men in my husband's unit had this issue when they first started training for deployment. It's a pretty natural reaction to being told you may die. I don't want to have children until my husband returns safely from his first deployment, because I couldn't bear the thought of something happening to him and being a single mother.
My best advice is to simply allow him to have this opinion. Don't push this issue or try to discuss it for a while. Give him time to adjust to his training schedules and such. Then in a few months, 6 or so, bring up the subject again gently.