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Family guilt vs. maternity leave (sorry, long)
My dad's side of the family (great aunts, cousins, etc) live in MD, anywhere from 20 min - 1 hr away, depending on who it is. I don't see them very often, although they all see each other all the time. DH and I are invited to things, like holiday parties and we try to go to that, but outside of those, not so much. Nothing wrong with them, just don't do it. Sometimes, the timing doesn't work for us. Like they want to do a family Hanukah dinner at the same date/time that my IL's are doing theirs. Or they invite us for things that are late on Sunday evening, about an hour away, and DH has to be up at 5:30AM on Monday. Just doesn't work. So more often than not, we say "no" to things.
My great aunt, who lives about 55 min away, looooooves the guilt trip. She'll call and say things like "I haven't heard from you in so long. Just wanted to make sure you and the baby were still healthy." and then after we talk, she'll end with "Okay, well I hope to talk to you at least before the baby comes" or something like that. DH and I call her the Jewish Guilt Ninja. You never know when it's coming, but suddenly BAM, she's knocked you flat with her guilt.
Anyway, cousin had a baby boy last Friday. It was fun for the family to compare us b/c I was only about 4 weeks behind her (he came 2 weeks early). The bris (Jewish ritual circumcision) will be this Friday. I would like to go. Last time I talked to great aunt, she said "I hope we can see you at the bris." I wasn't thinking and said "Yes! Just let me know!" Now that it's going to be a weekday, I'm torn. I'd like to go and see the family (and avoid the guilt), but it would be time taken from my maternity leave stash.
I get 12 weeks FMLA, unpaid overall. I can use up my accrued vacation/sick leave first and get paid for that, and then the rest of the 12 is unpaid. As it stands now, I'll probably get 4-5 weeks paid. The bris will most likely be about 45 min away. DH won't go since he has no vacation time at new job.
So...that's my background and dilemma (sp?). Skip the bris and save a vacation day for mat leave and get a HUGE guilt trip from everyone, or go and take a day from my maternity leave. The bris will probably be in the AM or late afternoon, so a 1/2 day wouldn't really work.
Thanks for reading my novel.
Re: Family guilt vs. maternity leave (sorry, long)
A guilt "trip" is just that - you not wanting to disappoint someone else's expectation of your actions. In reality - what are you guilty of here? Putting your best interests forward for your own baby/family? You're not really "guilty" of doing anything wrong.
If the only reason you would go to this event is to avoid feeling guilty, then I would advise you to deal with the disappointment that you are just not going to make this grandmother happy. If you geniunely want to go and see family - regardless of what the grandmother thinks, then I would go and have a good time.
Really - you need to think about what you want to do. Do you want to spend a day of your vacation time visiting family or would you rather have that day as a paid day off when you take your maternity leave. What is best for YOU in this scenerio?
My IL's throw out the same kind of statements. But you know what? They don't work. NOthing your aunt says would make me feel guilty and like I HAD to drop everything to see them.
That aspect of it is ENTIRELY on you.
That being said, realize that once your baby is here, your life will be about that baby and his/her schedule. There is a lot of stuff I dont' do these days because keeping my DS on his schedule is important to me, and being home by his bedtime is one of them. Yes, there are exceptions to this at times. But by and large, I work my schedule around his. He's a happier child for it, and in turn, I"m a happier mom.
I would probably go as this may be the last chance you have in a long while to see your family where you aren't pressed for time because of the baby, or because your attention isn't being taken up largely by the baby! This could be the last "adult" visit you have w/ your family in awhile.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Last updated 4/06/11
I would like to be there to see family and the baby. Avoiding the guilt is a side benefit, not my main motivator.
There's just a part of me that's in a panic I won't have enough accrued paid leave when this baby comes. I think part of it is that I've been stressing over things that I *think* I can control (taking vaca time, cleaning the house, shopping for stuff) because the major aspects of this are out of my control.
The guilt isn't something that should be a determiner as to whether you go or not. You go if you want to go and if it's "worth it" to you (in terms of maternity leave, gas money, not being at home right then, seeing your family, etc). It sounds like you want to go, and that the only other consideration is the maternity leave, but look at it this way - it's not just about a brit, it's about going to spend time with your family at an important event. You want them to come to you when you give birth (and if you have a boy, at the brit), right? Turnaround's fair play.
As to the guilt issue itself, you really can't let that be the "make it or break it" factor. You're giving the people in your lives too much power over you, and they're using it - and that power is guilt. See, the thing is, guilt is what you feel when you've done something wrong. It's what you say in a court of law when you've actually committed the crime. But I don't think you're doing anything wrong by not keeping in close contact with your family (that Ninja guilt Aunt?) or whomever - if you don't want to keep in touch with them, don't. But you decide how you feel, not them. No one can send you on a "guilt trip" if you don't agree to buy the ticket.
Thanks
I'm going to wait and see what time they are doing the bris and then take it from there. My guess is it will be in the AM so other people can go and then get to work, but who knows. It won't be too late in the day, since you can't do it after sundown, anyways.
I want to go to see family and celebrate the baby. I think that wins out over taking a day.
I don't really see your problem. I had a 55 minute commute to work, everyday, for 5 years. So, I don't get the huge impossion to drive to a family event. In addition, I am 5 hours away from my closest relative, and would LOVE the option to drive an hour to see everyone, even on a week night. Plus, who has a bris on a weeknight? Who expects anyone to come ... nevermind, guilts them to come? Is this a Friday? Becuase your post reads like it is a Wednesday, and a Friday is much more manageable. Obviously.
Bottome line, if your don't want to make the time or you don't have the time- then just decline. No one can guilt you without your permission.