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What's a good compromise?
We're hosting our first Thanksgiving. We invited both sides of the family and both have said they want to come. Now we're having trouble setting a time. My side wants the meal to be early -- around 12:00 or 1:00 -- because they are driving 2.5 hours each way and don't want to get stuck in traffic or drive home late at night. They do not want to stay the night.
DH's family hasn't expressed a preference, but it would make more sense for them to eat around 4:00 because they are coming from 4-6 hours away, although they are staying the night. They are driving down on Thanksgiving because driving down the night before can add on an extra 2-4 hours of driving from traffic.
I would much rather have it later in the day. I don't see us having the food ready in time and I know I'll need the extra few hours for cleaning and whatnot. My mom thinks it OK if they (she, my brother, aunt and grandfather) show up early and just hang around and eat appetizers and then leave before the turkey. DH is NOT okay with this -- he does the majority of the cooking and hates nothing more than people hovering around while he's trying to get stuff done. (I don't blame him.)
Is there a compromise that I'm not thinking of? It seems mean to say, "Well, we're eating at 4:00, so too bad if you can't come" because that pretty much assumes they're just not coming.
Re: What's a good compromise?
why not instead of 12-1 or 4 make it right in the middle and eat at 2 or 2:30?
You're the host. You can't please everyone. Stop trying, or you're going to drive yourself crazy.
You might throw your parents a bone and say 3pm if they want to hang out for a while afterwards, but I don't see anything terribly wrong with serving at 4pm.
As we host every year, i will say later it better. if we had to have everything ready by 12 or 1?! We'd have to get up at 3 am. Not happening.
So, on that front, I say 4.
Their idea of coming early, hanging out, and then leaving before the turkey - I'd just say to them "Dinner will be at 4, apps will be at 3. This is what will work for us. Coming early and then leaving even before dinner isn't an option. If this timeline doesn't work for you and you'd rather not come, we completely understand. We hope that isn't the case, but we would understand.".
Especially as his family has to drive 4 - 6 hours that day? To be there by 12, they too would have to get up at 3 or 4 to be there. You'd basically have a housefull of exhausted people!!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Ditto!
Seriously.
I think 3 even 4 would be reasonable. Even if dinner ended at 6 your family would still be home by 8.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Another benefit to a late meal? If you're having someone stay the night, you don't have to entertain them too long until bed time. Late meal = less hours with house guests.
I'm interpreting them wanting to leave early, before the food, as a very passive aggressive move and I do NOT kowtow to passive aggressiveness. If that's what they want to do, that's fine, but have you considered the fact that they're basically emotionally blackmailing you as to how to run your day? They're dictating to you when to wake up, when to do the work, the cooking -- not cool.
You do what you want and they'll do what they want, and let them. You control you, not others. They'll do what they want and if they want to get upset or mad, that's up to them. But for pete's sake, don't let it control your holiday (and yes, it's your holiday too! All the more because you're doing all the work/hosting).
I'm confused as to how my H is not being gracious. He's cooking for 20+ people -- it's not exactly easy to do this, especially the last few hours, when people stand around in the kitchen picking at things and getting in the way. My side of family is not a "pitch in and help" group of people.
I get that they want to see you, but YOU ALL are the hosts and it's on them to be gracious about that. They either say "3:00 sounds great, we'll see you then" or they can say "Oh, we totally understand why it needs to be at 3. Unfortunately, we won't be able to make it. But thanks so much for inviting us!".
Those are their choices. Not "Oh, can we come early and get in y our way and be an inconvienence?".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I hate invitation negotiators. "Hey, how about coming for dinner on Sunday at 6" is NOT the opener for "No; why don't you have us at Sunday noon instead, that's more convenient for us".
Set your time, make your plans, and if people can't come, they can't come.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
I agree- 3:00 or 4:00. You are the hosts and you're cooking for a huge crowd- you need to be upfront about what you can do, and stick to it. They do have choices here, too- they can stay over, they can drive back in the dark or in the traffic, they can graciously decline and cook their own turkey.
Also as a tip for the future- whenever possible, it helps to give an invitation with all the details already established: date, place, time- according to what you've already decided you can do. The more people you're having (or the more apt they are to try and "have the last word" on the plans) the more this helps. If I'm just meeting a friend for lunch to catch up, saying, "Let's get together for lunch this weekend." is fine because it's probably fairly easy to decide the when and where between the two of us. If it's 20 people coming to your house and you're cooking a big meal for all of them- that's when it's easiest to just go ahead and invite people with, "We'd like to invite you for Thanksgiving dinner at our house this year- we're planning on 4:00 on Thanksgiving Day. You're welcome to stay over or drive back that night, whichever you prefer." That makes it easier to just repeat firmly, "No, sorry, we're inviting you for dinner at 4" if they start playing "What about 2:00/ What if we just eat appetizers and leave before dinner/ what about doing it at Aunt Jen's, she's closer..." blah blah blah.