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I have had it with my mother! (long winded!)
I am sorry but I need to vent.!
I will try to give the cliff notes version. The year started off not so great, with my father passing away at 64 and as difficult as it was, something wonderful came out of it. I discovered I was pregnant in March. So my husband and I decided to have a big family get together at a restaurant to announce this back in May, his siblings, his father(visiting from Portugal) and my very small(just my sister and mother).
I led my mum to believe it was a Mothers day dinner initially just so it was be a surprise. Well to make a long story short, she acted like a spoiled brat, first upset that it was not a mothers day dinner and that we announced it the way we did, when she felt she should have known before everyone else. Needless to say she was very cold towards me that night.
Fast forward a couple of weeks later, I have a blow up with her when she ambushed us at home still going on about this! Then proceeded to bring up all kinds of other things that had nothing to do with the situation at hand. I told her to leave and we never spoke after that for most of my pregnancy.
A couple of months ago, I spoke to her again by chance, not really feeling like I wanted to but did for the sake of our unborn child due in Nov.
A couple of weeks ago, our baby came a month early and with the exception of jaundice and phototherapy sessions she is doing well. My mum and sister came to the hospital a couple of times, even went by our house to let out our dog(though I was reluctant to let them for fear it would be used against me later, as they have done in past) and generally seemed happy.
Last week as we are trying to get settled in after the excitement, my mum calls my husband asking him if we can loan them $5000 as they are in a bind. Great timing eh?
A couple of years ago, my mum inherited a very large sum of money from her mother(we could all be so lucky) and went on a spree. She was renting before, and went and bought a new condo, bought a new car and get this, bought a little place in Italy! The italy place was a business venture to rent out. Since then she has spent most of her money, did not pay off her prime residence, the italy place is struggling and now cannot pay her mortgage. My sister lives with her, and does not work.
They want us to loan them 5000 until my sister gets some inheritance that is coming from my dads property. The problem is that a} I don't trust that they will give it back and b) this is a bandaid solution to a very big problem that has gone on for some time, which is that my mother does not seem to get that she has a bigger financial problem.
And this could not come at a worse time when we just had a baby, and although we are financially sound, we have spent a lot lately with the baby stuff. And what sickens me the most is that when you try to tell her that her habits need to change or she is really going to be in dire straits she just does not get it. She goes on about being unlucky, or brings up stuff from the past with regards to how my dad thru the divorce left her a single mum with no money etc. (30 yrs ago now..)
I have just had it with her, I have had it with her negativity about everything and her and my sisters attitude towards others and life and I just do not want anything to do with them anymore.
While I know its important for my daughter to know her grandmother, she is just making things so difficult for all of us. I just find her to be selfish.
Re: I have had it with my mother! (long winded!)
Rule Number One:
Lend her NO MONEY. Tell her you and your husband cannot afford it.
And if she doesn't like it, too damn bad; let her go out and get a job. And if she has a job, let her get another one to cover expenses.
I am willing to bet that your sister has a lot to do with the request for the money; you have no reassurance that the money is really for your mother.
No to her request for money...and cut her off completely. I did it in July witha relative that was noxious, poisonous and toxic. You can do the same. GL.
This. Why did she ask your H and not you? You just had a baby and it is not your fault she pi$$ed away her money. Also, your sis needs to get a job and start contributing to her own living expenses (I'm sure you agree with this 100% already). Congrats on the baby, GL with mom and sis!
Don't lend her money.
However, did I read that right? You told her you were having a lunch in HER honor, then in front of everybody denounced that and said it was actually to announce your pregnancy? That's very rude, and although I would be excited for your pregnancy I would also think it is very rude and would be put off that night.
You have to remember having a baby is going to be most important to you and your dh. Nobody else's lives should revolve around it and nobody will care as much as you do.
If you lend her the money, three things will for sure happen:
I'd really strongly recommend against it.
DO NOT GIVE HER ANY MONEY. NOT NOW NOT EVER!!
and when she throws a B!tch-fit, simply say "You want money? Sell the place in Italy...." and then hang up the phone.
Is it really important for your DD to know a train wreck of a person like you are describing your mother? No. And frankly, she is probably better off not knowing her from what you are saying.
Good Luck.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
I tend to agree with this. She was probably irritated that something she thought would be all about her was actually all about you.
That said, it's not something worth not speaking over. I would also not lend her the money, as you'll never see it again.
Meredith, 6-1-06 and Alex, 11-5-09
In reference to the pregnancy announcement, I think it WAS rude to have a get-together for her, then steal her thunder with your own news. You took away the spotlight on something she'd probably been looking forward to.
I'm surprised she blew up at you later and she probably overreacted, but I'm even more surprised that you cut off contact with her (not sure what she could have said to deserve that... but I'm sure there's more behind it, so I'll let you use your own judgement there)
That being said, your mom and sister sound very irresponsible financially. Tell them you don't have the money, and help them work out a way to get out of debt on their own. DO NOT lend her any money... it will just cause more problems down the road.
And please try to patch things up with her. She sounds irresponsible, but she doesn't sound like a bad person.
Good luck!
Thank you!
I'm going to go against the grain and disagree with the "You stole her lunch!" argument. We're talking about a grown woman here. It's not like the OP told her 6 year old cousin that they were having a birthday party and then didn't. She told her mom it was a Mother's Day lunch as a way to get her there without being suspicious. While I see why OP's mother was upset, I also think a caring, loving mother would be more happy about the baby than upset about the stolen lunch.
OP, generally speaking I don't think it is a good idea to lend money you can't live without. If you "lend" her the money, don't have any expectation of getting it back. It sounds like you and your H are more comfortable with that $5K in your bank account, so you'll have to tell your mother no. It's not your job to support her.
Good luck to you, and congratulations on the baby!
1) don't give her money, that would be incredibly stupid
2) your daughter is not missing out. Nasty toxic grandparents are not good for kids.
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
Never ever do business with family or friends.
And I guarantee you that she will not stop at 5K. Something is funky there; she could even have a spending addiction or a gambling addiction. Five grand isn't a small sum of money -- and how dare she impose on you and your growing family.
I know this is completely not what the post is about, but how is a pregnancy a good thing that came from your father's death? The two have nothing to do with each other. This was an odd choice of words.
lol I had to read that twice myself. I guess she meant...
The year started off not so great with my father passing away at 64. As difficult as it was, something wonderful came out of that year - I discovered I was pregnant.
1- while your mothers reaction was over the top, I too did find it odd to say "Hey- taking you out for Mothers Day, oh but wait... not really". Doesn't excuse her behavior,, but still an odd approach.
2- as said, dont' lend her the money. Don't go into the "whys". you don't owe her an explanation. You just say "Sorry, mom, we're unable to lend you the money". Period. It's not your job to fix her financial problems.
3- why is it important for your DD to know her grandmother? really, why? I don't get this line of thinking at all. Your DD isn't a reason to force a relationship w/ a woman who is toxic. She isn't going to be the doting grandmother you probably wish she would be. She is going to be who she is, and I think trying to include her as a "grandmother" in your lives is only going to lead to more stress and frustration than you already have.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
YOU being pg did not come out of your father's death. that's just a really weird thing to say.
You said you're throwing a mothers day dinner for her and then it's nothing abotu her-it's all about you. Mean and thoughtless!
Never lend them money. Ever.
Also-i agree iwth the PP who said your baby is most important to you. It's true-don't try to make it the center of everyone you know's universe. it's irritating when people do that. so you had a baby-big deal. it happens every day. it's not a reason to pull what you did with the party. i have her side on that one.
The only thing I disagree with here is the way you "tricked" your mom into thinking the dinner was for her. That was wrong. You should have just told her you wanted to get the family together for (insert celebration here). I'd have been pretty upset too, although not dragging it on for months at a time.
As for the money thing: she can't manage the money she inherited and blew it all so whatever you do, DON'T enable her. She made her bed.... Why can't your sister get a job? Tell her you don't have the extra money with the new baby and all, so in order to make ends meet, SHE needs to sell the place in Italy and SIS needs to get a job and quit freeloading. That's just effing ridiculous!! And I agree - why did she ask your H instead of you? Because she figured you'd say no?
I'd pull out of this one. You don't need her or your sister. It sounds like they're both nuts.
You would not be lending her money, because you know you are not getting paid back ever. If you are ok with giving her money now and every time she asks then go ahead. She will ask again. They seem to like you when they need something. You will be opening a can of worms giving them anything. Why are you even considering it?
Why doesn't your sister work? Tell her to go to a bank and get a loan with the inheritance as security if she wants the money. I can't see either one being a positive influence on your child's life.
I want to make some things clear here regarding our family dinner we had.
I initially invited my mother out for dinner for Mothers day, which also included my husband, my sister(who lives with my mother) and my father in law(visiting from Portugal). I did not let on that my husbands siblings were going to be there because IF I did, my mum would have figured it out very quickly that a "pregnancy announcement" was coming. (She thought this at New years) and I wanted it to be a surprise. I also did this because if my sister(who is not social and big on family gatherings) heard my husbands siblings were coming, she would have never of come and I did not want her to miss it. So as sneaky as it was, we had no mal intent.
I will briefly mention that, they were supposed to meet us at our house so we could all go together, but ended up being an hour late, we had reservations at the restaurant which they were well aware of , not to mention that when I tried to call them to find out where they were, they would not answer their phone, nor did they try to call us to tell us they were going to be late. Everyone else was on time.
And while I agree that MOST people do not care about other peoples lives etc. THIS IS my MOTHER, who just found out she is going to be a grandmother for the first time, that I am going to be a mother as well. I would certainly hope that it would be IMPORTANT. YOu would think that this bit of happy news would override any feelings of intial upset. She is a grown woman and behaved like a spoiled 5 yrs old that found out she has to share her party with another!
It was also a wonderful and happy family get together because it was a)mothers day b) our pregnancy announcement c)my brother in law also just got engaged and d) my father in law was visiting from Portugal. My husband gave a very heartwarming speech outlining all of these things at the dinner.
And not that this matters, because this is what we wanted to do, we paid for the dinner for the entire party of 17, including alcoholic drinks which my dear mother took full advantage of.
Oh and btw, while some are being so nit picky, I am a new mother who is a little tired and exhausted. So forgive me if what I wrote sounded awkward or "weird" as someone put it. What I meant to say about my father was that the beginning of the year was very emotional and sad. (And don't get me started about how my mum behaved with regards to my dad, his funeral and his family, that is a whole other issue!) But that finding out I was pregnant really gave me something to smile about again. I know one thing for sure and that is that my father would have been very happy for me and would never have behaved the way my mother did.
Eh, I wasn't defending your moms actions. I do think, from your telling of it, she way overreacted. But I think the point for some of us is that you DID mislead her over what the dinner was about. AND, as it turns out, even who was invited! I know you meant no harm in doing so, and yes, you would hope that your news would counter-act her feelings of being upset.
But at the same time, you were misleading in your plans.
I also have a feeling this isn't the first and only time your mother has acted inappropriately. I don't know your full history w/ her, or how/when she may have acted up in the past - but I wonder if there needs to be a more realistic attitude on your part as to what your mom is like.
The fact that you say that your DD has to know her grandmother lends to this observation on my part.
You want (rightly so) a happy reception to the fact you have a child, and you want family to be involved and to be positive role model's in your DD's life. I get that - I want that too. I think we all do.
BUT - you have to work w/ reality too. Your mom doesn't sound entirely grounded, and, again, I don't really see why your DD "has" to know her grandmother if your mother is going to actually be a toxic force in your lives.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
AGree. and paying for everyone doesn't make it any better. That's nothing in the face of (probably) your mom being hurt that it wasn't jsut a mothers day thing for her as you told her it was.
My BIL feels the same way -- that his crazycakes mother somehow "deserves" to know and be a part of his children's lives.
Guess what? They don't like her! She scares them because of her erratic behavior. She contributes a LOT of stress and tension to BIL and SIL's marriage, and the children are VERY aware of it. When your two-year-old says "Grandma's going to be angry!" because you're five minutes later than you said you would be to dinner, is that really a relationship you want to be cultivating?
You want your mom to say and do and be things that she just isn't capable of saying and doing and being. It's lovely to think that people will change for the better because of a new grandchild -- and it's very common, with children who grew up with dysfunctional parents, to believe that the parent will change for the grandchild -- but it simply isn't reality. You're setting yourself and your daughter up for a whole world of hurt. You know how your mom makes you feel. Why would you want to let her make your daughter feel the same way?
And don't give her the money.
I think you need to accept your sister and mom for what they are. Your added explanation just made me think less of your "party." YOU wanted a huge banquet with both families. But you know that your sis and mom would not like that type of gathering, so you lied to them. WHY? Why was it so important to you to have a big dinner and make an announcement that way, when you knew it was not something your mom would enjoy? I told my mom and dad (and sisters) privately when I was at their home. DH did the same with his dad, then called his siblings. It didn't make the fact that we are having a baby any less special!
Do not give your mom $. You will never see it again, and if you give it to her NOW b/c you are afraid she will stop speaking to you if you decline, then what will happen NEXT TIME, when the $5K is gone, and she asks you AGAIN? And the year after that? Because her financial problems are not over. If anything, your dd is better off never knowing your mom. She can't miss what she doesn't know.
I agree with this. My mom and my MIL would be so excited about their grandchild they wouldn't care about a lunch.
Don't give her a dime, you'll never see it again and they'll want more.