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New sis-in-law dating ex...?!
My husband and I just got married in August. An ex boyfriend of mine, who was NOT invited to the wedding showed up as someone's guest. My husband and I were not too happy, but we let it go since he was not causing any problems...
Well, unfortunately at the "after party" he did. My brother had everyone over to his house for some drinks after the reception. My husband and I did not attend and went home to "hit the hay". My ex proceeded to snuggle and make-out with my sister-in-law on my brother's couch!
After we got back from our honeymoon, of course we heard all about it from my family and found out that they were dating! I told my husband's cousin that he was an ex of mine, so that she could relay the message to my sister-in-law, but she did not care and proceeded to date him and even bring him around my husbands family.
My husband and I are not happy about it because not only is it uncomfortable to be around my ex, but we know that he's the type of guy to take a new girl home every other weekend and to keep them around he tells them "what they want to hear"...which is what had happened when we had dated. And he obviously doesn't want that kind of guy to be with his sister. Well, my husbands family knows that we are not happy, and had been purposely leaving us out of activities when my ex would be around. My husband confronted the situation and tried to explain, but it completely BLEW UP!
Now, my ex has broken up with my sister-in-law, because supposidely he doesn't want to deal with the "drama". She ended up sending me a nasty email basically blaming me for what happened and has said that I'm being immature about the situation and doesn't see a problem with dating my ex. She continued to say that she wouldn't even think it would be a big deal to date my ex-fiance! I feel so hurt! I didn't know what to say, so I didn't email her back. My husband tried to talk to his sister then his mother and they just tell us that we're being immature and to get over it!
So, what I want to know is....what do we do from here?.....Do we have a right to be upset about this or should this not be a big deal to us?....How would you feel?
Thanks in advance for your responses! I know this is a long one.
Re: New sis-in-law dating ex...?!
Well, at least your H is sticking up for you.
To me, I can't beleive his family is choosing a BF over you. Kinda crappy.
I do find it weird. It would be pretty uncomfortable to be around that guy at family functions.
Frankly, I would not reply to the email and lay low for awhile. Not say anything. No calling, texting, nothing. Simply don't reply.
Enjoy being newly weds. Try to put it out of your head.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
Why did you send the cousin to talk to her? Why didn't you talk to her yourself? Why is your MIL even involved?
At the end of the day, you can't dictate who she does and does not date. All you could have done is say, "SIL, I've known Ex a lot longer than you. Here's what I know, and why it didn't work out. (Enter his dirty laundry list here, being sure to point out his douchery for showing up at your wedding.) I can't tell you to not date him, but I can say that I am very uncomfortable around him, and certainly don't wish you any ill will. Please be careful around him."
Thanks for your responses. They are really helpful! And I'm glad I don't feel like I'm crazy for being upset by this.
I told my husband's cousin because she had asked me what I thought of him when they first started dating. I told her he was an ex and left it at that. I knew she would tell my SIL, so I figured it would stop there, but unfortunately it didn't. That's the only reason she was involved. And my MIL involved herself when my SIL boo-hoo'd to her about getting broken up with and claiming it to be my fault.
As far as talking to my SIL, I knew she wouldn't care what I would have to say. So my husband talked to her and obviously that didn't matter either.
Three questions:
1) How old is SIL?
2) Why did you and EX break up? (I'm perhaps incorrectly assuming it was something he did, given your discomfort) and
3) Did SIL ever get a clear picture of what he did/why you're uncomfortable?
Honestly? Her dating life isn't really your business. If she thinks it's okay to date your significant ex, there's probably nothing anyone can say to talk her out of it. Actually, she sounds fairly immature (blaming you for the breakup). In my experience, the absolute worst thing you can do when you see someone immature dating someone you don't like is make a big deal about it. Like a previous poster said, let it blow over. It wouldn't have lasted anyway, but now it's got a whole drama-filled life of its own.
Next time, I'd shrug, tell her to be careful, and change the subject.
I totally understand why you weren't happy about this situation - I'm w/ you 100% on that. However, how you handled it only fueled the issue and I'm not surprised it blew up.
I'm w/ Karen - you can't dictate who she dates.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
That's just really "crappy!" Isn't that on our "imaginary list of girl rules" that ex's are just off limits? LOL. I joke, but yet there is a reason why a lot of people stay away from dating someone's ex. Believe me, a few of my friends did it and their friendships were on the rocks for quite some time.She had to have known that it was going to make you uncomfortable! She at least needed to prepare you for it by at least talking to you about it.
I definitely understand where you are coming from. To be honest, I think after everything you typed, I would have let the relationship take it's course. However she would probably blame you for that too, you didn't warn her!
I would also like to state, this isn't just your SIL in all of this. Sounds to me your ex knew exactly what he was doing as well.
I'm sorry about your situation! I hope for the best!
OK, when I read the first paragraph above, I was seriously questioning your maturity level. Take out the words "husband" and "sister-in-law" and that's a conflict straight out of eighth-grade study hall. If you expected her to break up with him the moment she found out he was your ex, then you had very unrealistic expectations, and, if that's the impression she got, I don't blame her for being upset.
That being said, it sounds like you had some legitimate reasons (which I bolded) for thinking her relationship with him was a bad idea. I just think, as PPs have said, the situation got handled badly. At this point, I would let it blow over and maybe when things have calmed down tell her what you should have told her in the first place (that the guy was a big jerk and you didn't want her to get hurt, etc.).
Also, for what it's worth, I'll say that now is the perfect time to stop giving a crap about exes. You just got married. You're off the market. Happily settled. What bearing could an ex possibly have now on how you feel? His loss, get what I'm saying? Getting this worked up about something an ex does gives them a lot of power, and, who knows, maybe that's what this guy wanted.
Similar thing happened to me with one of my best friends. She told me over the phone that she was dating my ex and I was shocked and hurt. That's just not cool in my book. I never told her to break up with him; that's not my place. But I did tell her I was hurt and worried for her. I wasn't about to lie about that. It's not like I could hide it. I practically wanted to vomit when I thougth of it. They broke up a few months later anyway.
PPs are right. There was too much attention brought to the situation and that created needless drama. If you want, tell her you're sorry it got blown so out of proportion and then let it go.
Tell SIL graphic sex stories about your past with him. If that won't ick her out, nothing will.
Ugh. Social incest really creeps me out.
I also would have just let it go because the drama made things worse. Nothing says you "had" to socialize with him at family events, or even attend said events if he was going to be there. Unfortunately who she dates is not something you can control, even though it is pretty schitty that she would rub him in your face. As a PP said, offering up something like, "be careful" or "I know what kind of guy he is" would have sufficed. Because chances are he'd have done the same thing to her that he did to you and others before, and he wouldn't have been around for long.
As for MIL, it sounds like she just really wants her daughter to find someone to be with long term, and that's why she's mad at you for "wrecking" their relationship. I'm sure the drama will blow over once SIL finds her next beau.
Sorry but I think you need to apologize. The fact that this guys an ex of yours shouldn't matter if they're happy. The fact that you don't think he's an awesome guy for her to be dating is valid but you should have just talked to her about it and not everyone else and it should have been a one time discussion " hey SIL I just want to give you the heads up, your BF is my ex, he's known for being manipulative and cheating or whatever. I just want you to be aware so that you don't get hurt." Once you've said your piece you should have let it go and let her decide for herself what she wants to do. Either she breaks up with him right away or she lets the relationship runit's own course.
It's never a good idea though to try to control someone elses relationship, now she blames you guys instead of the ex.
Apologize for interfering, let her know that you care about her and were trying to protect her but that you shouldn't have went about it the way you did and that you're sorry that she's now the one that's hurting.
This.
Whenever one person tries to control my guest list, the one who attempts to set limits on who I see is the one who gets disinvited. Sorry, you brought much of this on yourself by attempting to exlcude him and engaging multiple 3rd parties.
Assuming you really wanted to protect your SIL, you would have contacted her directly and privately with your concerns rather than alerting the whole family which only led to a humiliating fallout when the relationship ran its course.
I too am curious about this. I like to imagine that it's someone on the groom's side who didn't even know they dated, but I suspect not.
I'd like to know this, too. And the more I think about it, the more I lean towards thinking this is MUD.
Your ex somehow just happens to be invited as someone's date to your wedding. He was awful to you, but you let him stay at your wedding and your brother invites him to a private after party. Then your ex ditches his date and makes out with your SIL. Really?
I've been in a somewhat similar situation. My BIL has become best friends with my H's ex (who has been very cruel to me, but that's another story). This ex also used to date my H's cousin (still kind of does). It feels pretty awful.
It's a sh*tty thing for your SIL and ex to do. I would be pissed. But unfortunately, there's not much you can do about it. If they knew what the situation was going in, they're not going to break up when you tell them to.
I'm surprised your H's family has been taking their side. That seems odd to me. Then again you probably shouldn't have involved them in the first place.
Anyway, it really does suck and I'm really sorry. There's just not much you can do.. some people just don't care about others and that's that.
The best thing you can do now is lay low and play nice, unfortunately.
Here what I would do:
To SIL: "you realize that this man has had his penis in my vagina, right?.
But that's just me. She's being a complete twatwaffle, as are your husband's family. Good luck.
Seriously? You have no right to be upset. People can date whoever they like, and if that makes you uncomfortable then it's your problem. Also, the way you're acting about the situation makes it seem like you might have some unresolved feelings toward the ex.
On top of that, just because he was a crappy boyfriend to you doesn't mean he's going to be a crappy boyfriend to everyone. My husband is some other girl's "terrible ex"... I am someone's "terrible ex"... but we're awesome togther. Who is to say that your terrible ex wouldn't be great with your SIL?
Finally, this story is pretty run of the mill. I know a woman who is married to her (much older) first cousin's ex-husband. She was the flower girl in her husband's first wedding... if you want to talk about an akward family reunion, talk about that! Your problem would blow over if you would just act like an adult.
I'd also like to know how this all went down. Who brought him to the wedding? I didn't invite singles "and guest" unless they were in a serious relationship - and I wasn't invited that way to weddings until I was myself.
So, the ex goes with someone to your wedding and then ditches that person (presumably someone he is more than just casually dating) to make out with another woman?
Sounds a lot more like something that would happen at a high school dance than a wedding.
I call MUD also until this is explained.
Hahaha! I love all of your responses! Thank you sooo much! Sorry I've been MIA!
To update all of you, my SIL (who is 25 years old) started dating a new guy a week and a half after the break up. Lol! I now know that my SIL goes through guys like she does underwear, or so I've been told. Hey, maybe her and ex were a good couple, right?! Ha!
But, I just want to clarify that my husband and I hardly said anything about the situation. So, as far as us "bringing on the drama", that is totally false. The only "3rd party" WE involved here was the cousin. And like I said before, the only thing I said to her was that "he was my ex and that's all I have to say about that". Now, I just assumed that by saying this, it would turn my SIL off and would not want to be with an ex of mine, but evidentally that doesn't bother girls like that. When my H and I were being excluded from activities, THAT'S when H had a chat with his sis about the sit because naturally he was hurt. She must have freaked out about it and told the whole fam we were upset, including MIL, who then freaked out on my H. So that's what I meant about things blowing up.
But anyway, as far as who brought my ex to the wedding?! (This is f-d up too) My "FRIEND"! Here's the story on that in case you are curious. My friend has been dating a guy off and on and my ex is her boyf's BEST FRIEND. When her and her guy are "off" she is always seen with the best friend/ex. I've never said anything about it, though because this has been going on long before me and ex dated and we didn't become friends till after I dated him. But unfortunately for me, right before our wedding, her and her man were "off". And no, I'm not happy with her either, but frankly, I wasn't surprised by it and let it go. I don't want more drama. Lol!
Lastly, for the comment about me not being ready to marry my H. I want you to know that dating that jerk is part of the reason that DID make me ready to get married. You have to find out what you want and don't want before you get married, right? Well, the ex taught me what I didn't want and my H is everything I do want! And I couldn't be any happier!
Thanks ladies for all of your feedback! I truly appreciate you taking your time to help me out! Take care and have a great Thanksgiving!