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At the end of my rope (Rant)
I am done with my MIL. It has been 8 years of hell dealing with her craziness, self-centeredness, and guilt trips. DH has tried "dealing" with her attitude toward me and the way she is, but she has not changed anything. I honestly can't even begin to tell you the things she has said/done, but trust me when I say she is horrible.
DH of course still wants to have contact with her, and that is completely fine. However, how do we go about doing things then?
I had recently posted about splitting holidays. DH and I had come up with a plan, but when we mentioned them to MIL she flipped out. She TOLD us how Thanksgiving was going to be. WTF?
I'm really done with her. Never in my life have I put up with someone being so horrible to me and I am done being nice to her for the sake of DH.
Re: At the end of my rope (Rant)
Your H needs to stand firm with you, if not then you have more than a MIL problem. I suspect you do anyway, if she is really that terrible to you why would any good husband still want a relationship with her?
If she doesn't like your plan for the holidays, tough shiit. Let the crazy biitch flip out, that's her problem, not yours. Stick with your plan, just because she doesn't like it doesn't mean you can't do it.
And so...? Does she have some magically power that makes things happen exactly as she says it will?
Unless of course your husband can't bear to make his mother upset...in which case you have a DH problem, not a MIL problem.
I want to know what exactly your DH has done to "deal" w/ her. I have a feeling "not much".
I'm also flabergasted w/ stuff like this - she "told" you how THanksgiving would be? I would have laughed. She has NO control over you - you do realize that, right?
But the fact that you're writing about this, and the fact your DH still wants to see her, I have a feeling this is more about HIM being like "Oh, but my mommy said we have to do it her way.... I can't make my mommy mad.".
Is that whats really going on? Because if so, this is a DH problem.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Sorry, that sucks. I would have your H have contact without you most of the time. On occasions such as a major holiday, maybe you can deal with her. It really depends exactly how horrible she has been--some stuff, I would say that you should never have to be in the same room with that person again, not matter WHOSE mother she is. Other stuff, I would say to tolerate the situation for a few hours for your H's sake.
With Thanksgiving, if she has now ignored the plan you and H came up with and TOLD you what is happening, I feel strongly that you need to push back. By you I mean your H speaking for the both of you, and he needs to be clear that you are going with the plan you two came up with. She needs to learn that she can't dictate your actions. It is really important that you two stick to the plan you had.
Does he agree about how horrible she has been to you? Does he see it? This does sound like a probable H problem as well.
This.
If someone "told" me how something was going to be - I would laugh at them. You realize your MIL only has as much power and control as you and your H give her, right?
Why did you/H not just reaffirm that "No, you are doing as you and H had already agreed to?" What is she going to do, show up and kidnap you for Thanksgiving dinner?
It is absurd to me that if you and your H agreed to boundaries (and plans) that your MIL being unhappy about it would change all that.
I do wonder what your H has done to "stand by you" and set boundaries with his MIL. Because my guess is, if this has been going on for EIGHT years, the answer is "not that much" or he certainly has not enforced those boundaries. Which would make it an H problem, not a MIL problem.
Yes, as many of you pointed out some of it is a DH problem. He has stuck up for me in the past, told her that she will not talk to me the way she has, and many other things that have improved the relationship I have with her. However, there are many times when he lets her do whatever she wants and we end up doing what pleases her. Most of the time it's not big deal, I've learned to pick my battles and let a lot of things roll off my back.
This whole Thanksgiving thing is weird. Long story short, we had planned to have Thanksgiving with her at our house but it has now since been changed to us staying at her house and her paying for the family to go out to dinner. I'm happy I don't have to obsessively clean the house, shop and then cook Thanksgiving dinner, but DH and I were looking forward to actually having a holiday at our house. DH and I aren't fighting about it, because if she wants to pay for the entire family to eat at an expensive restaurant then I'll let her.
She's not just controlling and mean, but she does it to DH too. The snarky comments she makes are ridiculous....DH lost his job and she made a nasty comment. BIL was in our wedding and is a little overweight and she said he looked like a fat slob. I have endured over 3 years of listening to FIL-bashing from her since he decided to separate from her (I'm convinced she will never move on or get over it). She's just constantly negative, self-centered, and rude. There's honestly nothing DH could do to keep her from saying nasty comments, but I am done listening to them. I've tried changing the subject, I have tried leaving the room, and have even gone so far as getting up in the middle of dinner and started doing dishes to get away from her nastiness.
Sorry this is all over the place, but the woman is crazy.