September 2008 Weddings
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
How do you keep the romance alive?
Between Amanda's story, and the fact that I live my IL's at the moment, finding romantic time with the hubs has been difficult.
So my question to you... what do you do to keep the romance/heat alive with your SO?
We've already decided that twice a month we'll have "date night" and go out for the evening and find little hole-in-the-wall restaurants... but I'm looking for anything really- I guess I'm trying to figure out how to date again if that makes any sense...
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Re: How do you keep the romance alive?
Call your spouse in the middle of the day to share something with them...a funny story, joke, etc. but make sure it's something non "business" related and not just to say "I was thinking of you". It doesn't have to be a lengthy conversation, even just 30 seconds long will be enough to let your spouse know you're thinking of them in the middle of the day
Date night(s)
Little touches whenever you get the chance...a hug that lingers a little longer than normal, a passionate kiss mid-sentence in a conversation, hold hands in bed, a kiss on the neck, a squeeze of the butt, etc.
Go the extra mile to show your spouse you're thinking of them...pick up something at the store because you know they'd like it, make their favorite dessert that they never get, do a chore around the house they normally take care of, send them a card in the mail even though you're living together..and make sure they're the one to get the mail that day, leave a note in their car/computer bag/work bag, etc.
Make an extra effort to praise/compliment your spouse on a regular basis. Get creative. Don't just say "I love that shirt on you", say something like "I love your work ethic and how hard you work to provide for our family". Men like their ego's boosted
If you have an "in" date night, go through pictures from earlier in your relationship, your wedding album, watch your wedding video etc.
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Is it really as easy as grabbing a room and jumping back in the sack? I (unfortuantely) imagine I'm going to need a few choice adult beverages to make me feel worth anything...
Jaime, thanks for throwing your 2 cents in. It's nice to know I'm not alone in the "sophomore slump"... I actually wonder if other not-so-newlyweds find themselves in that slump...
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M and I def had a little distance between us this summer. To both of our defense we had a ton of family things going on (my gram/his sister) training for the 3-day, dh busy time is Sept, my busy time is July & Aug, so we were both working late hours opposite times, you get the point.
I told dh that we were going on a vacation, and end of story. And we did. We had no cell service or email for 4 days. It was amazing. Yes, dh did bring some work with him, but we relaxed for the first time in 4-5 months. Since then, I feel like we just got moved in together/got married. We leave each other cute notes or cards in car seats or lunch boxes. Send random emails during the day even if its just the gmail heart icon, etc. Dh goes to bed at 9:30 every night (he gets up at 5am everyday) I have started to go to bed at the same time (most nights) and its really changed things b/c we have time to "cuddle" (lame I know!) instead of me trying to get in bed and not wake him up. But I can't imagine living with the inlaws... so I really feel for you. But would the act of sneaking around help? I mean you know trying not to get "caught?" If you need a drink or two, just grab a bottle of wine take it to your room...and go from there.
I will say that dh and I have gone to hotels a few times for nor eason other than a night out, etc/. (I follow a few that we like on fb, and get their emails. A lot of times they will post specials for weekends when sales are down, and we have taken advantage a couple times oh and groupon!) It really is nice to get out of the house and stay somewhere else! I think its worth a shot!
We have been there since before B was born. Then it was because I was huge and uncomfortable. Then after B I totally lost my desire to be with DH for a while. (Still there some days.) And then he was miserable in pain and now has just had surgery! I feel like it is going to take us a few more months to get back to the way it was before.
Another one of our issues is that DH has been so uncomfortable for so long he sleeps on the sofa every night and has for well over a year. I usually sleep in the chair in the living room just so I can be close to him. Its uncomfortable for me but I'm sacrificing to be near him and I think he appreciates it.
But I think everyone goes through it, even if they don't admit it.
Amanda thanks for all those ideas. They are great and I can't wait til Jeff is mobile again to try some of them out.
SOrry I don't have any advice, I just wanted to let you know your not alone.
Totally agree with previous folks. This is so hard and something (probably like the only thing) that K and I fight about from time to time.
I find trying to think about dirty things during the day helps me want to be more in the mood when I get home.
Also, I will say things like "you know it really turns me on when you take out the trash. it is so hot" - then he knows he might get a toss in the hay if he helps out around the house.
We lived with our ILs for about three months so I TOTALLY hear you on that being hard. We pretty much never did the deed while they were in the house. We were lucky, though, that they were gone every weekend. THey also were really good about giving us our privacy and we had our own "living room" at their house so we were able to cuddle on the couch, etc, and not feel watched.
I think one of the things that helps us is to go do new things together. They say there is something in the chemistry of your brain that brings you back to the start of the relationship when things were interesting if you explore the unknown together. Often this means a vacation, but for us sometimes it's taking a random sidestreet to see if we can find a new shortcut home and getting a little lost. Or checking out a new restaurant, or museum, or something like that. Also, sad as it is, I love doing yard work together. It makes us feel like a team and rekindles that spirit a bit.
All that said, it is so freaking hard, and it is for sure one of the things that causes couples to drift apart. I feel it happen to us from time to time, and then we make an effort to get back on track. I think the key is to have open communication.
Say to DH, I feel like we're drifting and I have like NO libido because XYZ but I want to want it, so what can we do?
Also, having sex is like going to the gym. To me, it is often not super interesting, but once I'm there working out, I enjoy it and afterwords I feel great and always say I should do this every day!
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We are in the slump too. I can't even tell you the last time we had sex. I have been trying to plan a date night but something always comes up. I also get resentful because I feel that I am always taking care of the baby and get no "me" time whatsoever. I have a lot going on right now. I just finished school, am unhappy in my job, I want to start teaching but there are no job, I want to get a house, but am unsure of where I will be teaching so don't want to buy a house and then get stuck where there are no jobs. All in all just a lot going on. My plan is to use my free night at the resort I work at and ask my MIL to watch Dylan overnight. I just want things to go back to normal. We have great times together, I mean we laugh and enjoy being around eachother, its just the intimate stuff that I need to work on. ;
Well, sorry I didn't have anything to add, but wanted to let you know you are def not alone!
I hear you!! Especially with having a baby, it makes it tough!
I just can't mentally get into "it" in our bedroom, when I know the baby is asleep right down the hall. So we usually do "it" downstairs.... which I know DH would prefer to be in our bed, ya know? I need to get over it- but it's tough!
We have started doing "date night" once a month, when DS goes to my parents' house for the night, so we can go to dinner (or stay in) and just focus on one another. It really did wonders for us last month, but we could definitely use another one- so we're having one next Friday! Can't wait!
I'm interested in learning more of what others do!! I don't want that spark to dwindle- but with a baby, and self-image issues postbaby, it is tough!!
Now we do a date night at least once every other month. We'd do it monthly, but we don't feel comfortable yet getting an outside babysitter and we don't want to overburden Alexi's mom with Mariela's care since she is also our daycare provider. She would gladly take her (and begs for us to let her spend the night when we do go on our dates), but it isn't fair to her to tie her down on her free days. Inbetween dates, we try to take the time to cuddle on the couch and watch our favorite shows or a movie at least once a week with no laptops in hand. I make special meals for him every now and then, I pack his lunch for him, do his laundry the way he likes it (sounds silly, but he appreciates it), and we do the touching thing. One or the other of us is always grabbing a tush, I'll rub the back of his neck or scratch his goatee with my fingernails (gross, I know) which he likes, and we ALWAYS kiss each other goodnight. Even if it wakes the other person up. Oh and we always hug and kiss goodbye in the mornings.
Since, he is now back in my building at work we go to lunch somedays which is nice. We also commute together when we can and he isn't in class at night. We have some of our best convos in the car to and from work. We really need to get better about sitting down to eat dinner as a family. We've gotten too used to eating in front of the TV and we want to set a better example for Mariela. Now that she is on solids and soon will be eating table foods, I think it's important for us to eat as a family and so does Alexi. It'll build good habits in all of us.
It's tough when you live with the in-laws, but since your in-laws are always home you may have to go out to get private time. I lived with my BIL and SIL for 6 months (2 of which were just after we got married) and our schedules worked out that we all got some alone time in the house at some point in the day. Plus, they went to bed super early and we stayed up later. If you are trying to save money try to do low budget activities like hit a matinee together on the weekends, have a picnic in the park, just do a Sunday drive around various neighborhoods and crash a couple open houses for the heck of it, visit some museums (most are donation only), etc.
I feel like we're in a slump too, but a different kind. It's not that the frequency is bad (usually 2-3x's/week...could be better, but I know it could be way worse)...but I'm just not into it. I know this is going out sound terrible, but our sex just isn't awesome. I mentally can't get revved up because I know it's just going to be "ok". Granted, there are times that are mind blowing, but it's rare. I used to love making out, and that would really get me excited, but DH is just...a bad kisser. He didn't have any experience before me, and I've tried to teach him (not just how to kiss), and it's just not working.
And it's so hard for me to get turned on when it's just simply "Wanna have sex?" with a monotone. And if I say no, he gives me a sad puppy face. I'm sorry, but trying to act cute/childish is DEFINITELY NOT going to help matters. I want a man in the bedroom, not a wimp.
Sorry, that went way off subject. It's just frustrating to me because he is so overly-masculinized in every other aspect. It's when he applies that to the deed that it's the best.
I feel your pain...sex isn't supposed to cause this much stress. I feel like we do everything else right. We go on date nights almost weekly, just the two of us, we go to bed together, snuggle on the couch almost every night, hold hands, send each other little messages during the day, etc. That part is awesome. I wouldn't change any of that...it's just...the sex...
DH is a firefighter and I'm a nurse...so with our crazy schedules we are lucky to see each other once a week
Lately the further I get in my pregnancy the more uncomfortable I'm getting. So lately we have been stripping down, sitting in our bedroom on the bed with no TV or other destractions and he's been giving me long back massages which leads to us DTD!!! It's a way for us to get close and talk about our week. Last night we simply went out to dinner together and it gave us a chance to stop our crazy lives and just talk.
~erin~