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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
My mother is driving me crazy!!
Hi! I'm new to this, but i'm having an issue and wanted to know if anyone has ever dealt with anything like this before?
I'm 31, married for a little over a year, and also a step-mom and my mom still treats me like I'm a child. It's causing problems in my marriage and my mother doesn't seem to understand that I have responsibilities when it comes to my marriage or stepsons.
Has anyone ever dealt with an issue like this? There's more to this story, but I won't go into it unless you'd like to hear more. Please help, advice would be great!!!
Re: My mother is driving me crazy!!
Tell her to back off. You need to retrain her with regard to how she treats you. No, you're not available all the time. No, she won't always know where you are or what you're doing. No, she can't butt herself into your life at every turn.
I'm making assumptions as to what's happening because we're sans details, but the same advice holds true no matter what's going on: Learn to say no.
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Yes, we need some more information.
But by and large, people who are treated like children are donig something to warrent being treated that way, if nothing more than not standing up for yourself.
It's actually really not on her to "understand" your responsibilities. It's actually more on you to set your boundaries and to say "no" to her.
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Okay, here's more info.....
I do try very hard to stand up for myself. However, my parents are pretty old school on everything. There way of thinking is "you are the child and I am the parent." It doesn't help that I am their only child which means I am their only world.
Their biggest complaint is that I don't go home that much. Granted, we only live about 30 miles apart but I do have other things to do on a daily basis. It's not like I live 10 mins away and can "run over there for a minute." They also don't like the fact that I don't call that much either. They put it all on my marriage, when it really has nothing to do with my marriage. I lived on my own for 5 and 1/2 years about 3 hours away. That was until last year when I did move home. When I lived on my own out of town I didn't call that much then either (but they don't remember that). Also, when it was just me I did go home for everyone's birthday and occasion. BUT, it was just me. Now, there is a husband and two kids to think about. Myother doesn't seem to understand when I tell her that the weekends that my husband and I have the kids, our life is a bit different and we tend to be on more of a schedule than the weekends we don't have the kids. When we have them every other week in the summer, our lives completely turn upside down! My mom also thinks that I do too much for my stepkids. She thinks I'm being made to do things, which is simply not the case. Yes, I do help them with a bath and fix their plates and lunch and put them to bed and read bedtime stories to them, but I LIKE doing it. It's things I like doing because I don't have bio kids and this gives me a chance to be a mom some of the time.
An instance that really made me mad was a few weeks ago when we couldn't afford for us to go out to eat for my mother's birthday and she asked is I could just come. It made me mad becuase that's my family that I would be shutting out and it would've been awkward for me to go and leave them at home knowing that we would all still have to get groceries and that's why we couldn't really afford to go out and eat.
Sorry, i know this is all pretty random, but there's really so much that I can't even think of it all.
THanks for listening!
Oh sure, it happens to me all of the time and probably will well into my 50's and 60's. It's got nothing to do with my age or life experiences. I've accepted that my mother/parents will never change and will always acts "as the parents" while treating me "as the child". I've been pushing back for years and its hard work to not feel guilty about it. I know it comes from love, but I don't like being smothered or told what to do or to have expectations set without my input or permission.
My sister copes by completely rolling over. She's not in charge of her kids or house when my parents are over. They only like food "they eat". They bring the food they want to eat for dinner and cook it, often. My sister sees it as a "help" but its really a huge PITA and not respectful. They undermind her parenting and take control, instead of supporting her in front of the kids. They expect her to fit into their holiday plans and to not 'rock the boat'. They lay on guilt and obligation likes it's a Olympic sport. ANd yes, her marriage and relationship with her children suffers from it.
I say no and live my life. I am not going there for Thanksgiving this year. Mainly becuase I got pushed around so much last year. I had my plans and thought I was being "flexible" to meet their demands but it still wasn't enough and they pushed for more. I spent a week there and there departing words were - "And make sure you are here next year, too." It was awful on so many levels, and I was kidding myslef that being "flexible" was anything but caving. So, I said I want a relaxing day at home this year and meant it. Then I endured two rounds of screaming, pityful phone calls followed by 2 rounds of apology calls (which are just as bad and guilt-inducing as the screaming) and have not caved. And I won't.
A few years ago, I also went through the BS, "You don't call enough" thing. Until I started saying "Yes, I do." "This is me calling and this is ENOUGH. This is a lot of time and I value connecting. If it doesn't meet your needs then you need to seek help to cope with it. Like a friend or a therapist or an activity. It is not my fault that you need more than I can give. Its yours to solve, not me."
Push back.
You're in a different stage in your life than the singel. available daughter and you don't need your mother's permission to live it.
She will survive the disappointment.