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DH & I went to counseling yesterday.....lengthy but interesting
For the first time we went to counseling yesterday. It went okay. We went because we have been dealing with issues from inlaws over stepping their boundaries after numerous discussion with them about how we felt uncomfortable about it as a couple.
Well, yesterday we with our counselor, and we explained her one situation that was pretty much the last straw. Ok, we decided to move into our inlaws very first home that they purchased when they had gotten married, and before we did DH & I explained to them that we would like our privacy and for them not to be pushy or overbearring. They agreed that they would respect that our wishes.
A week after we moved into the house, we purchased a refrigerator (our first time ever buying appliances). When the refrigerator arrived it did not fit into our space. Instead of us refusing the refrigerator, we signed the paperwork and the delivery crew left. By us not knowing to refuse the delivery because it didn't fit, we begin to panic because now we had a refrigerator in our home that wouldn't fit.
I told DH that I would go to the store and speak with the manager about different options that we had. DH couldn't leave because a good friend of his was at our home helping to repair our washer, and I couldn't take the kids because my MIL was supposed to pick up the baby and drop of dinner she had made because our stove was not hooked up. So I left and went to the store.
I arrived at the store and spoke with the manager, and after really complaining to the manager about how the salesman insured us that the refrigerator would fit even after we gave him our measurments he finally agreed to allow us to pick out another refrigerator and pick up the one that was delivered.
After leaving the store which was close to 8pm, I decided to grad me a quick bite to eat I kind of needed to cool off some steam before arriving back home. My battery was dying on my cell so I sent my DH a text. When I arrived home my DH said that his mom stopped by and was furious because I wasn't home, and she called and I didn't answer.
I called his mom, and explained to her that I was at store trying to get another refrigerator. She said that I couldn't have been at the store that late, and I informed her that the store closed at 8pm. She told me that I shouldn't have left my family, etc. I told her that DH and I have resolved the issue with the refrigerator and that we are okay, and not sure why she was upset about something that had nothing to do with her. After ending the conversation and explaining myself to her I thought she and I were on the same page, and that we were going to put the frustration behind us....
Apparte By that time I was upset all over again. The next day DH told me that she called him and said that she didn't think that I was where I said that I was. That was REALLY hurtful to me, and I have not been so stressed out in my entire life. The first thing that I thought was that she is trying to tear apart my marriage, because first of all why would anyone make speculations like that without having PROOF?
So we prayed together and decided to attend counseling. After explaining our situation to our counselor, she told me that my MIL couldn't be trusted...Boy was that hurtful, because my MIL always tries to have conversations with me and insist that she "considers me a daughter", and our counselor said that my MIL could be using the "whole daugher" thing as a way to get me comfortable to say certain things and she could be using the "whole daughter thing" as a tool because she knows that I never had a real mother daughter relationship with my own mom and she knows that I always wanted a mother daughter relationship.
I'm torn because now we are in this house, and I feel so betrayed by her. I have not confronted her about what my husband said, because I refuse to constantly dwell on this, because one thing that we have learned is that we can control what comes out of another persons mouth and the only thing that we can control is how we react to it. This is really getting to me.
Re: DH & I went to counseling yesterday.....lengthy but interesting
While your MIL was completely out of line, I dont think I would get more upset over the situation simply over the opinion of the counselor. While they are professionals, they arent psychics. The counselor doesnt know exactly what MIL's intentions were/are.
I'd continue the therapy. I'd tread lightly with MIL for a little while. But I would not get too upset over the opinions of a counselor. They dont know everything.
Thanks :-) You are so right, but it's like why would she go behind my back and say things to my husband that could potentially cause trust issues in our marriage...Not that DH believed her one bit, but I just don't like the shady things that she does....
While counselors may not know everything, I am very happy that you and DH are getting professional assistance. It is always good to get an outside opinion on these situations.
I would not bring up what DH said she said. That could lead to all kinds of trouble. Let it go. You are the only one who can control your emotions and your reactions. Keep a huge distance between you and MIL. Also, please be careful about leaving your children with her. If she is going to speak ugly about you, who is to say that she will not say something to them.
GL and keep going! We in the Crazy MIL Club feel your pain and support you!
DH told her that he wasn't entertaining that mess, and he did get off the phone with her. As far as the refrigerator, we measured it at home, and provided it to the salesmen...we trusted that he would do his job...but we know next time....Also, I'm not really sure why I feel the need to explain myself to MIL all the time, and why her opinion matters so much...which is one of the reasons why we went to visit with a counselor...because I'm not sure why I'm so weak when it comes to dealing with her. As far as DH putting me first...he does...I blame myself because in the beginning when his mother used to do and say things I would stop DH and ask for him not to talk to his mom that way, but now I see why he used to use the tone and speak with her the way he did...not that he disrespected her...he just put her in line.
I'm curious, as I noted above, where your H stands in all this. Does he see his mom is BSC and just ignores her rants/ridiculousness? Then you should ignore her too. If he's feeding off her comments and attacking you also, then you have a H problem.
I agree with the counselor. You can't trust MIL. Don't share info with her. Maintain distance.
I don't see an issue with the house. Do you own it outright or are their names still on the deed?
We don't own the home, but we have the option to own it if we wanted to. You have made really GREAT point, and I appreciate it dearly. I guess I'm just hurt because I really thought she and I was trying to build a relationship. It seems everytime I open up to her it comes back to bite. I'm so confused. I don't know if she is using the "daughter" thing to lure me in or what...
If I was not cheating on my husband, and someone went and told him I was, I don't care who did it, I'm done with them. Forever. There's no going back from that. You now know 100% you cannot trust her. She does not see you as a daughter. Don't let her in. Period.
Is the option to buy in writing or is it just a promise (that they dangle in front of you)? If it's not in writing, then I would assume it's an empty promise that will disappoint you down the road. Buy your own home that you can afford, when you can afford it.
You keep mentioning her hurting you repeatedly. Stop giving her more chances. You should talk to your counselor to address your issue re: needing a mother figure in your life. You are filling a void in an unhealthy manner by continuing to trust an untrustworthy woman. You are reminding me of young fatherless women that repeatedly hookup with dirtbag men. Break the cycle!
Have you & DH sat down with MIL and confronted her directly about this? It seems to me that would have been a step to go before talking to the counselor, but whatev.
You BOTH need to talk to her - so if she actually has concerns about your fidelity she can air them (and be dubbed as totally wrong as a result), and you can communicate why that hurts both of you for her to insinuate it. If you can't resolve it after that, fine. But don't cop out and say you don't want to "dwell on it" thus you aren't going to even confront it. You KNOW you'll live with it every time you interact with her if you don't air it out.
i'd move into your own place first thing. 2nd thing is be careful with MIL. she sounds odd (to say the least). i also wonder what your DH said to her when she said this. and it seems like your DH didn't believe her anyway so you're ok on that end.
also the salesman 'assured' you not 'insured' you
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Of course it's getting to you. At the very least, the woman is calling you a liar. And a sneaky liar. And she's insulting your parenting and role as wife/partner by stating that "you shouldn't have left your family". That just screams judgement and drips with ridicule. And its a stupid statement. You have a right to be angry about that.
Maybe the couselor hit a nerve. Do YOU think she's using the "daughter" card to manipulate you? Do you feel more powerless because you crave a mother-type figure in your life and she's using it to be bossy and overly involved? And really, without a healthy mother-daughter relationship in which to draw insight, don't you feel a bit lost and confused as to respond to her? That's normal. Your feelings are normal.
And just as a side note:
"I couldn't take the kids because my MIL was supposed to pick up the baby and drop of dinner she had made because our stove was not hooked up.:
If you want to create some boundaries with this woman, having her babysit, make dinner and deliver it is probably not a good idea. She wouldn't have been drawn into all of the drama if she hadn't been doing you a huge favor, actually several favors. It's quite difficult to have it both ways. While its lovely that someone made you a homemade meal, delivered it and was trusted to pick up the baby ... there are strings attached like inviting her and her opinions right in to your home.
If you dont move out of THEIR house you will NEVER cut the cord. And this cord NEEDS to be cut. If you stay in the house you really have no one else to blame because you are continuing to have a connection to her.
I can not believe the counselor did not tell you 2 to do that.
I see no improving things while the 2 of you remain there.