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What do you/would you do?
I'm trying to figure out if I'm just being selfish, or if I have a legitimate complaint here.
DH and I love to travel and are foodies. Several of DH's family members live just outside big cities that we normally would visit just to visit, e.g., Boston, NYC. Whenever we go to these cities (even if its not to visit family, such as when we went to Greece and decided to stay two days in NYC to break up the long flights from the west coast), it was expected that we would spend tons of time with BIL. DH's family has the philosophy that if a family member is in town they have to stay with you (I was able to win that battle early on, we stay in hotels, as DH's relatives mostly live in little one bedroom places), and that you are stuck to each other like glue from morning to night. My family is more of the lets hang out for a while, split up, and meet back up for dinner or after dinner for drinks kind of people. This is not the only area where we have different ideas of what family means and how you deal with family.
When we are in a city not for the purpose of visiting family, I would like to be able to see the nearby family member, maybe for a meal, or for part of a day, and then be able to explore the rest of the time by ourselves. I can't see how I'm never going to be able to visit NYC without spending time with BIL the whole time. Further complicating this is that we have different income levels/spending habits and tastes when it comes to restaurants. I love researching and making reservations at highly rated/hip restaurants when we travel, but DH's family doesn't like these kinds of places. Am I always going to be stuck at a hole in the wall thai place when I come to NYC? I think its completely fair to say that we are going to Babbo, and going alone, but DH thinks that is rude and that we have to go where the person who lives there wants to go.
Any suggestions?
Re: What do you/would you do?
We would plan our trip to be OUR trip, then put in a family visit or two. If anything, do the family thing the last day or night of your stay so they can't ask you to stay longer. Just tell them, "We'll be in your city on March 15 and would love to see you." They don't need to know the rest.
To me, staying at someone's home isn't a vacation.
Plan your trip. When talking about it with BIL, you may want to try and have lunch or dinner with him just to touch base.
If he expresses interested in hanging around with you and DH more, DH should say, "We are going to ____________. You're welcome to come if you like." Don't leave it up for discussion. Your plans are your plans, and BIL can chose to happily participate or not.
ETA: Thai food is awesome.
I've always looked at vacations as having two types of subcategories: Family/Friend Vacations and Place Vacations. One is geared toward seeing people and it really doesn't matter where you are, geographically, and the other is all about the place, and if the people involved want to come along, that's fine, but the location is the main attraction.
I think it's a matter of finding a good compromise. If your DH is on the same page as you (and if he's not, you have other challenges to deal with), then just plan your trip the way the two of you want it. Make reservations at the restaurants you want to eat at, book the hotel you want, buy tickets to shows or exhibits that interest you, etc, but try to set aside a bit of time for lunch or dinner with the relatives you want to see. Schedule it in and make it a final plan, don't come to it with an attitude of "this is flexible" - say that this is what you have planned and you'd like it if they could come along (if you would, that is) but that's what you're doing. Don't leave it up for negotiation.
If your H thinks it's rude, ask him how he'd feel if the situation were reversed and your BIL came to your city. Would you feel comfortable hosting him 24/7, or would you want your own time to yourselves? You can invite BIL along if you want (I'm sure he wouldn't mind going to a high-priced dinner occasionally, right?) Would your H feel it was rude of your BIL to go see your city/town on his own, if that was his preference? I doubt it. You're not there to entertain him, nor would he be at your city to entertain you - it's about a vacation and doing what you want to do, what excites and interests you, and if he considers this rude, there are other factors at play.
If it were me, I'd just talk it out with BIL. I'd say that as much as I enjoy seeing him and spending time with him, our time in the city is limited and that we really want to do and see some things that we aren't sure will interest him. He is welcome to come along, of course, but he shouldn't feel obligated and we'd love to meet up with him for dinner at a place we're already pre-selected.
But that's me.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
i dont see any issue here other than you and DH not being able to compromise effectively. you spend one day with family, one day without. how is that tricky?
and, imo, as a NYer Babbo is over-rated. I'd prefer a hole in the wall thai place any day. with all of the celebrity chef places in my city and the thousands of excellent non-celeb places i always choose non-celeb because generally a lot of tourists hit the celeb places. i will admit that i liked his wild boar ragu-and the food was good-but it seems to me that you're associating more with names and popularity than food-as most of the hole in the wall italian places i've been to have just as good of food, if not better, without the price tag of his and all of the tourists there either
I think everyone has given good advice on what to do IF your DH is on the same page as you. If he agrees to setting your plans, then contacting BIL and setting up one meal - then your golden.
But I get the sense that it's actually more your DH who thinks you all have to open up your schedule entirely to BIL, or else it would be rude.
If that's the case, then obviously this is a DH issue. And from that front, I agree w/ Kuus. Tell him you dont' want to see family at all- you want to go in, stay at a hotel, do your own thing, etc., and make HIM convince you that you need to see BIL at least once....
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think it's inappropriate to assign judement like "you are being rude" to a expectation you had no part in creating.
Of course its not "rude". No more "rude" than inviting yourself to a relatives home, crashing there for your entire trip, demanding their full attention and attendance at all activities and insisting they plan all your outings and meals.
You know what sucked about living in NYC? Having every blood relative with a day-off think they can sleep in your apartment and get a free tour guide for the weekend. And then when you don't want to blow the bank at some place you can go to anytime, they get disappointed becuase they saved up for a special NYC dinner on this, their trip. I didn't. I'd rather spend my money on my own trips, not yours.
If your DH wants to spend the entire trip with his brother, because he wants quality time with him and he wants to do whatever a seasoned New Yorker with time and access to all of these great restuarants wants to do - then fine, negotiate YOUR vacation. But if this is all out of some sense of obligation that neither brother really wants to play-out, then what's the point?
I agree with you that there is a difference between a vacation to see family and a regular vacation. Don't plan regular vacations around nearby family members. That's just ridiculous. You're completely justified in only inviting them for a meal or certain activities, especially because you mentioned that they mostly live outside of these cities. If I'm going on vacation to NYC, I want to stay in NYC, not Jersey City.
Case in point - My husband and I stopped in Seattle for a day on our way back from our honeymoon. My sister lives there, but we didn't see her at all. She was livid, but my husband and I were adamant - this was our honeymoon, not a family vacation. She got over it.
It sounds like you need to burn it into H's head that the trip isn't all about spending time with his brother. If the 2 of you cna't agree on this, there's a lot more to it.
I've had friends in the past move out of state then come home for a specific reason [such as a friend's wedding, friend's birthday, something with ILs etc.] that didn't include spending it with family. In fact, some people didn't even tell their parents they were coming to town because they knew they weren't going to have time to see every member of the family in their home town.
It's not "rude" to go to NYC without telling BIL. Tell H exactly what you told us. You want to see the place and not spend the whole trip doing what all the locals there want to do. It's really not fair to you, if you think about it. BTW, Gordon Ramsay was the only trendy restaurant we went to when there 3 years ago. All the other times it was Adrienne's, Agozar, etc. The holes in the wall weren't half bad!
It's your trip for your enjoyment. You are not obligated to drag them along, they are not obligated to attend. Did you ever ask DH to imagine how fun it would be to go/do/see without being dragged down by family who will do nothing but whine and fuss?
Go play.. save a day or so at the end of the trip to visit family. If they fuss DH can say "we know you just aren't into that stuff so we got it out of the way beforehand. It was a blast! It was some special one on one time with my wife."