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Most bizarre family ever!
My DH and I have been married for 3.5 years now, we have a almost 2 year old DS. We are very close to my family, and we try to be close to his as well( they all live with in 15 minutes of us).
My IL's are not my favorite people..at all, but we all can get along when needed, and as it turns out my DS loves loves loves his grandpa. He asks for him every time he sees a car that resembles his, or sees a man who resembles him. Unfortunately his grandparents time is consumed with his cousins, who are constantly there while their mom stays busy doing her own agenda during the day.
SOoo last week, my DS was crying for his grandpa during dinner, and it was a large family dinner so he got minimal attention due to the other kids being there and causing so much commotion, we left after we ate only to hear him cry for his grandpa the whole way home.I asked my husband to talk to his parents and let them know, we feel like DS has taken a back seat to his cousins, and we would really love him to be able to spend a little bit of time with them one on one.
They were very understanding, and admitted to being very very busy with they other 3 children. We decided to have dinner with them, just the 4 of us on thursday night. We were going to eat late due to MIL having to babysit 2 of the other kids all day. When we finally got together to eat, my DH started getting some very passive aggressive text messages from his brother wanting to know why we couldnt invite them too. They proceeded to send a few more ugly messages to us, then sent one to my MIL which was so mean it almost brought her to tears. She would not let us see it, because she didnt want any family issues. It turns out my DS had a huge fit, and we didnt get to eat anyway..
So later that evening my DH talks to his mom and lets her know, that the way they act towards the rest of us is unfair, and its is disrespectful. Her response is that she knows it is, and that she is being taken advantage of but is afraid to say anything at all because she knows they will take her grandkids away from her.
So here we are now, having to keep our mouths shut and pretend that everything is fine whenever we have to see them ( upcoming birthdays and holidays) It eats and me and my DH about the whole situation, but we cant figure out how to do anything about it. Anyone have any suggestions or any family members who are controlling like this? TIA for reading, sorry it got so long!
Re: Most bizarre family ever!
Hi,
I really don't think you were asking too much! Not at all. I think his brother needs to grow up a little bit. I personally would never see anything wrong with my husband's sisters going out to dinner with my ILs without us. However, the other day, my DH went over to my ILs without telling any of his sisters and I could tell the one sister was a little irritated by that. But, my attitude is too bad! You are all grown-ups now. If you wanted a little one on one time with the ILs, that's great. However, I understand how you and your DH do not want to rock the boat too much, especially around the holidays.
If I were in your situation, I would confront the issue. I would or I would have my DH talk to the siblings and say ... we in no way were trying to hurt you or exclude you from anything. It's just that when we have such large family gatherings, I feel like we don't get to meet and chat with our parents and that's all I wanted. (I wouldn't say you feel your child doesn't get enough attention.. because I could see them holding that against you imo). So, I would just approach it like we just wanted some one-on-one time with our parents and it has nothing to do with them.
The stuff with the brother getting upset and holding it against your MIL really seems like that is an issue that your ILs have created and they need to deal with. The way I look at things is.. if that was my son.. threatening me.. I'd probably tell him off. So, it sounds like your ILs HAVE been passive aggressive and your BIL knows how to play the game, which is ridiculous. However, it sounds like that has nothing to do with you.. it's not your probelm.. all you wanted was time with the ILs and your BIL should be thankful that so many people care about his parents.
Again, I do not think you did anything wrong, I'd try to talk to the siblings... and if that doesn't work.. TOO BAD!;)
Good luck:)
Carrie
Where are they going to take them? Do they have people lined up who are willing to babysit their kids for free but they're just "letting" ILs do it out of a sense of obligation?
Ignore your BIL and SIL. Ignore their nasty texts, snarky comments, etc. Don't fight with them - it's not worth it. If they are rude to you in person, you can say "Now, why would you say such a thing?"
Are your MIL and FIL refusing to spend alone time now with your son because of them? Or are they still going to spend time, and just deal with their son's nasty attitude?
This. And turn all of your cell phones off while they're there.
Family events don't have to be all-inclusive. And ITA with ziti's comment that MIL is hardly going to have her grandkids taken away when she provides free childcare to the parents. And perhaps your DH could remind her that she is already losing one grandchild, in small ways, b/c she defers to the others. Not fair to your kid, not fair to her either as a grandma trying to spread the love.
Your DH shouldn't have been looking at the text during this family visit. If the BIL wants to be passive aggressive then your DH should have nipped in the bud with a hey what is your problem with me spending time with my parents? As far as your ILs I don't feel sorry for them since they are grown if they want to be taken advantage of and held hostage by the demands of your BIL then that is their choice. Your choice is to make plans with the ILs whenever you want and they are available. Your BIL can throw a hissy fit, but if nobody is paying attention he will stop. If you are going to pretend, then go all out and pretend to not give a crap.
I'm sad for your son who loves his GP so much and doesn't get his attention. Maybe you can get him to give some one on one when the family is together. Seems there are plenty of other adults to occupy the cousins.
Ziti has a great point, who is going to watch those children for free? That threat makes me lol. Manipulative much? (meaning BIL)
the ILs need to learn to set boundaries with their kids. That is their business
if you want to spend time with them, invite them over to your place.
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
Thanks everyone, like i said it is a very aggravating situation. The whole family is SO different from anything I have ever been around.
What I meant by them "taking away their grandkids", I was referring to a family feud right after DS was born. My SIL who's mother passed away when she was young, got very very jealous when I had severe PPD and needed my MIL to keep me company during day. My BIL and SIL didnt take their kids near the family once in at least a few months until they settled it.( I guess they just stopped going out? or found their church buddies to help)BIL's reaction to his mom was that "his wife needed her more because I already have a mom".. NUTS!