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Trying to understand the MIL
My DH just got a call from MIL asking if we wanted to join them for dinner next Sunday. He responded with "We'll get back to you" It wasn't a no...it's just that we will see them the following Sunday, and DH will be working 12 hour days all week and Sat, so Sunday is some time for us.
MIL was upset and said we needed to take time to get together and "make connections". Are we being unreasonable?
How often do you see your family or your inlaws? Daily? Weekly? Monthly?
Re: Trying to understand the MIL
If your husband is working 12 hour days for six days this week, then it seems reasonable that you would want a day to yourselves.
I asked a similar question on this site a few weeks ago about how often you have to see your in-laws if they live on the other side of the country. Everyone had a different response but the main theme was "it depends".
I personally think if you live in the same city, it would be nice to make an effort to see each other once a week, but if that's not possible, then so be it. And if 3 or 4 weeks happen to pass where you're too busy to see MIL, then that should be OK too.
You should try to give your MIL the impression that you're trying to make time for her and just really can't sometimes. People have their own lives and sometimes parents don't understand that.
my in-laws live 3000 miles away and we see them 8-10 times a year (they visit us more than we visit them) and they complain that we don't see them nearly enough. I just decided to ignore their complaints. If they get upset with me and DH, it only hurts them because it makes us want to see them even less.
My in laws live out of state, but when they lived in state we saw them about every other week. We also see my BIL & his family about every other week also.
However we see my family (who live 10 minutes away) about once a month or less. I think it really depends on what kind of a relationship you/your husband have with the families.
To answer your question: We see DH's mom about every other month (she lives in another state). We see his dad a couple of times a year max (they do not have a real close relationship). We see my folks more (4-5 times a month) but we live 3 blocks away. And most of those visits are only for about an hour max.
To the other part of your post: If you were planning on spending Sunday together why didn't DH say "This weekend won't work but remember we will be seeing you next weekend?" Why the whole we'll get back to you business if the answer was going to be no?
When you are seeing your ILs next, is it for a big event or just dinner with you, DH and the ILs? If it is a bigger event, then I can see her wanting to spend some more one-on-one time. But you don't have to give into her guilt trip and arrange something that fits everyone's schedule.
DH and I ALWAYS check with each other before responding just in case one of us has already made plans that the other person is unaware of (even though we have a "his, hers and ours" calendar). We have learned that this is an excellent way of communicating with our busy schedules. I really don't think he knew if our answer would be yes or no until we spoke about it.
We saw his family last week for dinner. Then would like to dinner next Sunday and the following weekend is a immediate family birthday dinner for our niece. I had suggested that since I will be in town on the Wednesday attending a workshop with my SIL, it would make a lot of sense to have it then. She said she didn't want it to feel like just a dinner and wanted to make it more of an event. But after typing this, I am feeling more and more that I am trapped in the guilt of a guilt trip.
It's so hard because I want to please them, but we need to take time for ourselves too.
If my H worked 6 12 hour days I'd automatically say no to dinner with the ILs on his one day off especially if you all live close to each other because it's not like it'll be a terribly long time before you see each other again. KWIM?
We see my family at least once every other month... sometimes more depending on what's going on. We live 2.5 hours away from my parents, three of my four sisters, one BIL, one FBIL and a nephew. My H's parents, sister and nieces live in another state. We haven't seen any of them since our wedding more than a year ago but we're spending Christmas with them this year.
My MIL lives in FL and we are PA, so we only see her once or twice a year. Most often it's when she comes for a specific event, ie graduation, wedding etc. The rest of DH's family lives about 90 min away and we try to visit with them every 4-6 weeks.
My immediate family and I all live on the same street. We are basically all next door neighbors, so I see them quite often. Sometimes a week may go by (especially in the winter) where we don't see each other, but always at least once a week.
Staying close to our families is very important to DH and I, but I can understand what a long week it would be for you DH working those long hours.
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I don't think that living close to them obligates you in any way to spend more time with them than you want to. It has got to be what you are comfortable with. Most of the time- where you live in relation to your ILs is just a consequence and not a choice, so why should you have to make sure you see them once a week just because you happen to live in a close vicinity? What I mean is: unless you chose your location solely because you wanted to be able to be close with your ILs to spend time with them, don't let that dictate when you see them. My ILs used to make us feel like just because we lived close we had some obligation to spend all our time with them and it gets really suffocating. I would feel frustrated if I were in your shoes and my MIL said that kind of thing just because we may or may not be going to a stupid dinner. Honestly, I probably wouldn't go BECAUSE she said that because I wouldn't want her to associate saying things like that with getting her way. I would say once every 2 weeks to one month is completely reasonable.
We don't see my ILs anymore for various reasons, but when we did- once or twice a month was completely sufficient- we were in the midst of scaling it back to more like once every 6 weeks or so when we went no contact because of some stuff that happened.
The problem might not be how frequently you actually see your IL's but with how frequently you accept their invitations without hesitation.
My mom, as a rule, never accepts invitations when they are offered. She ALWAYS says, "I'll have to get back to you." As someone who is on the receiving end of that, let me tell you how hurtful it is. If it were a once in a while thing, that would be fine. I would much prefer if she would just say no if that's the answer. I also understand that sometimes people really don't know whether they are available when an invitation is offered. But just ONCE in a while, it would be nice to hear, "that sounds great, I'll look forward to it." Instead, it FEELS like my mom is always saying, "I'll get back to you after I see if something better is going to come up."
I know I am not alone in feeling this way--my sister feels the same way. I deal with it by simply not issuing invitations (although I did make an exception recently and I regret it.). I just wait until my mom wants to see us and go about my life in the meantime. (I bet at some point my mom is going to be hurt that I never invite her over and she will never understand the role she has played in my decision to stop inviting her to anything.) My sister, on the other hand, keeps issuing invitations and gets hurt over and over when they aren't graciously accepted.
The exception I recently made was to invite my parents over for TG. It will be the first time I've hosted them for TG. Of course, my mom said, "we'll have to get back to you." So now my SIL has invited us over to her house and I had to decline because at this point, I have no idea if I am hosting or not. I am pissed that my mom is stringing us along.
So while it's perfectly fine to say, "I'd don't know ifI am free at that time," don't use that excuse EVERY single time. Once in a while, graciously accept an invitation without hesitation. And when you really do have to consult your DH and/or calendar first, get back to the persn issuing the invite within 24 hours. Any longer than that and you really will seem like you are waiting for better plans to come along. That's rude and your IL's would be justified in feeling hurt.
If you saw them last weekend, and have plans with them for the next 2 weekends, then you definitely need this Sunday for yourselves. Don't even think about feeling guilty
We see my in-laws 1 - 2 times a week, but we also have lots of time together as a couple almost every day.
We only see my parents twice a year, because we live in a different country. (but I usually call them once a week)
Just ignore her, if your seeing them next week she is just being dramatic if your H is working 12 hour days for 6 days straight I don't blame you all for just wanting alone time and he is going to be exhausted. Make sure your H handles this not you its his family. You are not being unreasonable.
To answer your question we see my ILs a couple times a month they live about 30 min away and we see my parents about every other month or so they live a few hours away.
Magnolia12 is right, if MIL got upset you can't control that. That is her issue. However, you should set aside time to spend with the in-laws at a mutually exclusive time that is good for everyone. If that is not possible then again that should be ok. If MIL doesn't like that she will have to deal with her emotions as they are not your job to control.
I live next door to my in-laws so I am quickly becoming an expert in being nice but firm with my time with my husband. I only go over there once a week at the most as I work full time at a high stress job and being around the over the top personality of my MIL is also stressful. Eventually everone involved came to except that, but not without hurt, fights and guilt. That is really all you can do, the rest is up to her. If she never gets over it, so be it. Time heals all wounds, and it is in everyone's best interest to move on from the issue.
My DH and I live in MD while both of our families live in NJ. We see them both about every other week (we are lucky that they only live about 10 min away from eachother!) and while my family is fine with that amount (or less), the ILs are constantly begging for more face time. Keep in mind that 95% of the time, it is DH and I travelling up to NJ to visit them, the ILs (including the BIL with whom my husband is very close) have NEVER come down to visit us. Still, every month or two one of the ILs will make a plea to DH that they don't see us enough and we will squeeze in an extra visit to quiet them down.
What I do is this: DH and I usually dictate when we are willing to make the trip up to see everyone and we will take into consideration whether there is a special occasion, when we will see the ILs next, and how we are doing as a couple. For instance, if my DH was working 12 hr days for 6 days a week we would both want to spend that free day together, sans parents.
I am assuming that this is not the first time your MIL has demanded more time, so make sure that you and your DH come up with a plan and stick to it. If you give in and see them more than you would like just once or twice they could take advantage of you in the future!