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Over the top holidays - HELP!
I knew before I married DH that his family get-togethers were somewhat over the top. The good thing about it is that all of the events are kind of staggered, so they never interfere with each other. It?s just that it all becomes such a time commitment. We don?t have kids yet, so we don?t have that added aspect of it yet, but I feel like it will make it all that much more stressful.
We have:
A Hanukkah party (my family is ? Jewish)
Christmas with his dad and stepmom?s family (week before X-mas)
A Christmas Eve party (his brother?s)
Christmas Day (other half of my family)
Christmas with his mom?s family (his mom passed away several years ago) ? Jan 2., for which we have to drive 7 hours in one day.
Late Christmas with his Dad?s extended family (in Jan. sometime)
We have two Thanksgivings ? one with his family the week before, and one with my family day of. Now his aunt?s from his mom?s side want to add another. I feel like I am at my wit?s end here. Three Turkey days? It?s over the top and starting to keep me from enjoying this time of the year!
I love my husband and I don?t want to offend him, but I feel like this is verging on craziness. Nobody really lives near us, either, except for my parents, where it?s always get in, get out. His family events are entire day affairs. I think it?s just harder for me, since I did not grow up this way. For some I am sure this is no big deal.
Also, I want to mention this third T-day comes on the evening I planned to meet up with one of my best friends who is here from out of town. Is it wrong to want to see my friend instead of go to another dinner? That is the only night we?ll be able to meet and I never get to see her.
Am I being selfish?
~TTC Buddy to ebeneezer~
Re: Over the top holidays - HELP!
We also have another party at our house that I forgot to mention...that I also try to get out of because it's a huge stress and really expensive, but DH refuses to budge on that one, either! He does help but I have to do all of the food preparation, hosting, etc. while he kind mostly socializes. AHHHHHH!!!
~TTC Buddy to ebeneezer~
If you have a conflict, then its okay to say so and politely decline. Especially when you feel well connected to the group you're declining. Its nice to be everywhere for everyone, but it's not realistic and can frankly cause resentment. And who wants that?
And as for him inisiting on a party where you most of the work and he does most of the socializing, honey, cut that crap right now. YOU have complete control over than one. HIS party means HIS work.
Is your DH fine with all these parties or does he share your feelings? If he agrees with you, there is absolutely nothing stopping you from saying No to some of them expect yourselves. Really. If he doesn't agree, then you need to have a serious conversation with your DH.
And if he refuses to budge on the party at your house, he gets two options: 1) he does the planning, food prep, house cleaning himself or 2) he pays for the housecleaning service (before and after) and the catering.
What you have is invitations to many events. You don't HAVE to attend all of them or any of them. We pick one Thanksgiving based primarily on who gets there 'crap' together first and puts forth an invitation - this year we are actually hosting the dinner.
We typically do Christmas Eve at my MIL and have Christmas with my family at some point during the two weeks of Christmas and New Year's. Some year's my FIL and his wife will pull something together as well. We REFUSE to go anywhere on Christmas Day. This rule has been in place since we had children. I will not drag them all over creation on the holiday so they can make everyone else happy but be miserable themselves. If people want to see us on Christmas they can swing by and with fair warning they may actually get some snacks or a meal but there is no promise of either.
You need to get your DH on board and decide how you both want to spend your holidays.
1. Don't go to the aunt's Thanksgiving. You already have plans. No lengthy explanations needed.
2. Is your husband volunteering your attendance at all of these parties and hosting of the big, fancy party? Or are you agreeing to do all of this as well? If the first, nip that behavior in the bud. If the second, you are clearly overwhelmed and need to decline some invitations next year.
Oh, and the party at our house...it ends up being all his friends mostly anyway. Previous years I had a couple people on "my side" (even though we are all friends, really) come but most of my friends have moved away.
This party is like a carry-over tradition from his single days, which is fine, but it's such a pain in the a$$. He has said he would do all the work before, but then I feel bad and always help anyway.
He sees no problems with all of these parties and I do feel like I resent that fact sometimes. I just want to know that I am not insane for thinking this is all too much!
~TTC Buddy to ebeneezer~
Sounds like you guys need to break out of tradition and go someplace less stressful. Hop on a cruise liner or hide in your house and don't come out for a week. Haha. Create your own traditions and don't push yourself into that many parties.
It is supposed to be a holiday, not something you need a vacation to get away from. See if your husband would be open to trying something new.
the only one that seems excessive to me is the 3rd thanksgiving but it's weeks after christmas so it doesn't seem like it would be an issue.
we have a similar schedule during the holiday season. worse actually- since my parents are divorced we have 2 christmas parties with them (1 for each side) and with his family and my family on christmas day but the week before we have a great big holiday get together with his cousins. thanksgiving is just as nutty.
The events seem pretty spaced apart (no one is expecting you to attend 4 Christmas events on Chistmas Eve/Day in a row). Also the groups are not overlapping -- each event is for a different sub-set of family. I would be annoyed if the same family group was expecting you to attend multiple events within a few days of each other.
How far are you travelling for each event?
Just because his family events last all day does not mean you have to attend all day. Discuss and agree with H how long you will stay at each event. Then let the hosts know ("We'll be there from 11am to about 2pm, can't wait!")
Third Thanksgiving - don't attend and don't feel guilty. Go out with your friend and send your H to T-Day with your regrets.
The big party at your house - In one post you say you do all the work, next you say he does the work and you help. Which is it? Only help to the extent you are comfortable. No one notices if you have 5 side dishes or 6 side dishes. But don't offer to help then start playing the martyr card. If your H wants to go all out for the party, let him. Don't feel guilty about not helping - he wants this party.
That is way too much. I know it's tradition, and it all might have been workable when you guys were young and unattached, but now? That's just crazy. I think it's completely reasonable to decline a lot of these. It's a busy time of year as is, and your life has changed. It's simply not realistic to be expected to be at every single gathering your families are having.
Look at it this way - at a certain point during your parents' relationship (possibly around the time they got married or had children) I'm assuming they had to make some changes of their own surrounding the holidays and start doing what worked for them and their new family. The same is now true for you and your H. It's reasonable to expect that you will both do things a little differently and that you may have to compromise on which events you will go to each year.
And as for the holiday party at your house, you don't have to do all of that prep if you find it too stressful. Something has got to give. I think if the party is important to your H, he should either help you with the prep or be open to hiring some help to ease the burden on you (i.e a caterer or a cleaning service.)
Thanks ladies...I think it is all about compromise. For example, the 7-hour trip...this is the last year it will be held at this location, so maybe he will be willing to skip this year. Normally we'd stay over but we have an event the day before and the next day is Monday.
I think if I frame it around the idea that I want to develop our own traditions, it would come off better. Also that we can evaluate each year on a case by case basis. I think it was different for him before when he was single and didn't have his wife's parties to attend as well. Together it's just a LOT.
As for the party at our house, I know it is important to him, but perhaps I stress the fact that we are limiting the number of guests and that we need some outside help to prepare.
~TTC Buddy to ebeneezer~
Would you be mad at him for going to some events without you?
Would you be okay if he skipped some of your family's events?
I don't really think it's that over the top except for the 3rd Thanksgiving. In fact, I wish my family and DH's family could do something like that so there wasn't so much fighting between the two over where our holidays are spent.
I wouldn't go to the 3rd Thanksgiving, she's an aunt. Who cares if she's mad that you're not coming. If you're really that stressed out about all the parties talk to you DH and see if you can start alternating years with the parties.