Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
I feel like a horrible wife. - LONG
This is a long winded story, but here's what happened:
MOH and I had the thought that we'd go away for 3 days over February break, just the two of us, leave the boys at home while we're on school break. So we start researching things and I talk about it with DH and he says, Sure, have fun. So I BBM MOH with a few deals I'd found and she BBMs me back that she can't go, her DH doesn't think they can afford it with two other vacations that they have (they're going skiing in December and to Bermuda in March, but Bermuda is being paid for by her husband's company). Whatever. So I'm bummed.
So I ask DH if maybe we could go, since he "owes" me a sun and sand vacation from when he taught me to ski and messed up my knee (long story from almost 2 years ago now). We want to go for more than 3 days since it's basically the only sun and sand vacation I'm going to get with him for the next 5 years (he's not a beach guy for the most party) but what we're finding is WAAAY too expensive with airfare - like nearly 4k. We wanted to spend half that, max.
I start to get upset. We save a lot of money each month and we sacrifice a LOT in hopes of buying a house in the next 2 years. But lately, I've been feeling like we sacrifice and sacrifice and for what? We're nowhere near close to our goal for a house and I'm tired of not DOING anything. Our close friends can all afford to travel and spend money on crap and granted, they have some really LUCKY housing situations, but I can't help but compare. I'm so jealous of all you ladies who can afford homes, but what sucks is that around here, for those houses, our down payment would be $100K. ::sigh:: And then we'd be house poor for the next 5 years and we'd never travel and I don't want to be a mom and resent the fact that I never got to travel and see different parts of the world and LIVE MY LIFE because all we did was save for a home.
I know this sounds really disjointed because I want two separate and conflicting things. And I have to say that I don't even know what I want. But DH and I were trying to talk it out tonight and he brought up that I often say that when you can't control something, you can't worry about it, referring to how much money we make and why we can't compare ourselves to our friends. And I said the wrong thing - I threw it back in his face that I'm NOT worrying about it. My salary is tied to the union's salary schedule, but he could go out and make another 50K a year.
I apologized for it later on in the discussion. I shouldn't have said that. And I feel horrible for it. But I can't help but really feel that way. We both know that he took a low-ball salary two years ago and he's not actively searching for a better job. He hates his job and I know it, but it frustrates me that he knows we'd be closer to our goal if he made more (he has the education and experience to ask for it) because there's very little I can do to improve my salary except take classes, which I am doing in the spring.
As for the vacation, we're going to look to my April break. I'll just have finished directing the musical and I'll need the break. But even though he's forgiven me, I still feel like a complete and total b*tch.
Sorry that this is so disjointed - my head is swimming and I don't even know what I want at this point.
RIP Dr. Irving Fishman - 10/1/19-7/25/10 - thank you for holding on for me.
You made my wedding day complete.
Re: I feel like a horrible wife. - LONG
i'm just going to give you a big hug (((((((hug)))))))
100k for a down payment? how big of a house do you need? You probably shouldn't compare yourself to your friends, but i understand it's very hard not to. life always looks greener on the other side, but they may be using a lot of sh*t to cover it up. I'm a saver as well. I save save save. H tells me we're ok financially so he has to tell me it's ok to spend here and there. As long as you have the major things paid off and settled then go have fun. But make sure you're still saving what you can. You shouldn't stop having fun because you want a house. maybe find a a more reasonable goal to save.
I'd be frustrated too! Boy! I definitely know the feeling of saving until the cows come home. You should be proud of yourself! It's insane that you need 6 figures for a down payment. I can't even fathom that.
I always compare myself to my sister, since we sometimes talk money. My BIL got a huge signing bonus with his career, and it completely wiped their debt when they were both 23. I'm beyond jealous of that point, and they are able to travel 3-4 times a year, both have brand new cars etc. My point, you can't compare yourself to your friends. Some of them may have a home, but secretly their parents had to co-sign their mortgage. Or how you think they live isn't really how it is. I just went on "vacation" to visit my sister, but I couldn't afford squat. My mom bought my plane ticket with her air miles, and my sister fed me for the week. The only thing I paid for was a $40 cab fee. Yet, to society, it may look like we're living beyond our means.
Also, we just bought a new car. (Our lease was up on our only car). But by no means it is what it seems. We had to make our loan over a long time to afford it, and if our insurance wouldn't have gone down, we wouldn't have had the budget for it. Yet to the "world", we might look like rock stars.
Keep your chin up! Don't worry about the outbreak to your DH about his job. You already said sorry, but sometimes the truth hurts. He knows he doesn't like his job and could do better, he just needs a kick in the butt to do so.
July 10, 2010 Best. Day. Of. Life.
(((((Hugs)))))
You are not a bad wife! I would be frustrated too. I often feel the same way about where we are in our lives compared to our friends. I think we all feel like this from time to time, and we will all say things we regret to the ones we love. It sucks and it hurts, but it is perfectly normal. Don't beat yourself up about it. You apologize, and he has forgiven you. Hope you get to feeling better soon. Keep your chin up!
i agree with pps. and i just want to give you a hug!!!
ps 100k downpayment is crazy - where the heck do you live?
House Renovations
Married Bio
I am a gluten-free, gun-toting wife! :P
I love you, Daddy...2/24/1953 to 2/13/2011
*Big hugs*
I know it must be frustrating. Believe me, I know. DH and I bought a house a year ago and with that on top of the wedding, we are super tight for money right now and have been for months. I know how tiring it can be to try to be frugal. Our house is so much colder than we would like it to be because we don't want to be racking up a $300/month oil bill. We rarely get to eat out and when we do, we share meals or order off the dollar menu. Grocery shopping is pretty much limited to generic foods. But, I am not hating life because of it. I see other people with their nice things and just have to tell myself that one day, we can be there. Most newly weds aren't going to be able to start out with loads of spare money but it's something to work towards. Try to enjoy life for what you have. You have a wonderful hubby and both of you are fortunate enough to have jobs. And I get the longing to travel. I'm right there with you but remember that there are a lot of nice places in the US to visit. I don't know whereabouts you live but I'm sure you could find a great, fun place to go within a day's drive.
So, just think positive and try to be happy with all that you have!
my read shelf:
Books read in 2011: 32 of 75
More agreeing with PPs. I do think that a lot of newly weds are in the same boat. I know we are for sure. Car insurance, new tires, 2 car payments, new license plates, rent, horse's board, school loan etc. are all due this month. You know... on top of eating and needing to buy gas. We have only been on two dates since we've been married and one was on a gift card. We haven't turned on the heat yet. It goes on and on. I do get frustrated, too. Honestly, I don't really like thinking about it, but I know someday money will not be so tight. I still love him, he still loves me and somehow, we both have kept our full-time jobs. Those are both things to be thankful for. Though my Bachelor's degree is doing me squat for a job right now...
We haven't taken a real honeymoon yet, and I long to travel like you do. I don't want to be a mommy and look back and wish that I had taken the trips I dreamed of. I don't know if I will ever make it... I guess the point is- You guys are not alone. A lot of us are sharing the same frustrations and we know it kind of stinks. BUT! We can still manage to find things to be happy about. Looking for little things that make you happy can really make a big difference. Maybe hearing a good song on the radio in the car ride home. Crank it up and belt it out! That usually helps me
*Hugs
I'm 36 and have my first "real" job and my first chance to enjoy not living like a college student (I went to grad school, twice, and the first job you get with a PhD you aren't paid much more and you still have to live like a college student), and instead I am paying back student loans and credit cards. WE would not be able to buy a house if my husband was not so awesome with being so thrifty. Our downpayment will be close to $70k... for a small 1950s 3 BR ranch (but with a nice yard, nice schools, awesome basement). We chose not to go for the house that was more expensive b/c we wanted to be able to still have lives. The more expensive house was slightly closer to the train and needed no work... this house we can make our own (in 5-10 years when we have more money to play with!!)
Even though you are trying to save every penny- could you take one night "off" a month and do something both of you enjoy? Go out to dinner, go to a show, etc? We decided before we knew what my job situation would be (I somehow landed an awesome one), that even if money was really tight we would still go to a concert a month.
I went through that why me thing 2.5 years ago when most of my friends were buying condos and I ended up renting a crappy crappy apartment when I moved instead. It was horrible! However, if I had bought that condo, I would be even more in debt now b/c I never would have been able to unload it when I moved back to Chicago. I ended up (after the crappy crappy place) renting a condo someone couldn't sell in a much nicer complex than I was looking to buy- and they are still renting b/c they would still be losing about 25% of what they put into it.
Ladies, thank you for all of the support. I can't Nest (knot?) during the day at work but now that I'm home seeing all of this support is so helpful. It's so hard sometimes when you know you're doing everything right and you see nothing for it.
Kim, we live on Long Island, where property values are still ridiculously high. For a house like the one Mrs.Kohalisky was looking at, that's easily $500K. Property taxes around here for a house like that are $10,000/year. It's really hard but it's all we know, which is why we are trying to save so much. We don't want to move into a 2 bedroom house just to have to move again in 5 years, since it's so hard to buy and sell houses around here.
RIP Dr. Irving Fishman - 10/1/19-7/25/10 - thank you for holding on for me.
You made my wedding day complete.