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In-law drama
Hey Ladies, I could use some opinions on this one.
DH and I usually alternate the holidays to keep both of our families happy. Each year one family would get Thanksgiving, and the other would get Christmas. Then the next year we'd switch. This year however, we told MIL and FIL in AUGUST that we were planning to stay home for Christmas because we want to start our own traditions. Now, I'm not sure if DH told them this reason or not (their family is not the best at communication), but we said we'd give them Thanksgiving this year to make up for it. They hemmed and hawed about it a little bit and made it seem like they didn't really want us, so we said OK and never really made plans.
Now, two weeks til Thanksgiving, they are sending us a written letter telling us how disappointed they are that we aren't coming for Christmas since it's such a big holiday and they feel neglected. We again offered to do Thanksgiving this year, but apparently that wasn't good enough. Now DH is upset that he has to choose between what's important to me (having our own Christmas here, which does mean seeing my parents for half a day since they live in town) or what's important to his parents (
flying half a day to SC to be with them). I guess what I really want to know is if wanting to start new traditions as a married couple is too selfish or not. We'd be spending Xmas with them next year!
Sorry for the vent/novella. I am just sick of their drama. They do this all the time...can't stand to be apart from their dear youngest son who never ever disappoints them.
What do you guys think?
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Re: In-law drama
Not selfish at all. You offered to come for one holiday and that wasn't good enough for them. They still want control and this is how they are trying to do it. If you guys gave in to them and went you would just reinforce for them that they can act like children and manipulate you both to get their way.
HTH!
I say it's better to cut the cord now before you have children. Because if you waited to do it until you had your own kids imagine the guilt trip you'd get for not letting your kids see their grandparents on Christmas.
I would say if you want to compromise put the ball in their court. Tell them, "We'd love to have you guys join us for Christmas Eve but we will be have Christmas for just DH and I on Christmas Day," (or whatever your situation would be). More than likely they will not come but at least this way you guys are giving them an option to still see you for Christmas
I agree with PP person that it's better to cut now before you have kids. They need to start learning to respect your wishes now and learn not to throw hissy fits. However, is it their year for Christmas according to the old schedule? If so, I can see why they are a little upset if it was supposed to be thier year (and you also end up seeing your parents.) However, because you offered Thanksgiving to them I think that should be ok. (And just because it's their year doesn't mean you should go. You should do what you want.) I think you definitely need to do what makes you and DH happy and do your thing. Now that you are married, you are really each other's family. In this situation, I would probably stay home, because I think giving in will set a precedent and they will think if they guilt trip enough, they will always get their way.
Huh...sounds like something my parents would do.
I don't think you're being selfish. I think it's totally understandable to want to make new traditions, and you offered to see them for another one of the two major Autumn/Winter holidays. They are trying to guilt you two into coming to see them for Christmas because that's what they want.
ugh. we figured all this out 2 years ago and it is ridiculous. our parents live 45 minutes away from eachother and we drive to BOTH places on thanksgiving day, xmas eve, AND xmas day. oh, and we live about an hour away from them too, so we also drive THERE and BACK.
it is ridiculous trying to make both families happy. they do no driving and we do 2 hours and 45 minutes for each day lol...it's NUTS. pretty soon i'm going to say, "EVERYTHING IS AT OUR HOUSE! COME ON OVER!" lol...so THEY can have the fun in trying to figure it all out! and i cannot even imagine how it's going to go once kids are in the picture. we will have to do something similar to you because we are not driving around for 2 hours and 45 minutes, multiple trips, with a baby, for each holiday!
jacqui + erik 7.10.10
**Planning Bio**
That's so annoying! What a crappy situation. You're definitely not being selfish at all. You're married now and eventually you will have your own holiday traditions - so why not start them now! Like everyone has said, it will only get worse/more complicated once kids are in the picture so setting a precident now can only help.
We do Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas with DH's family every year. It works our perfectly and we've never had any issues. But once we get a house, we want to be able to host some holidays as well.
you are completely ok in your thinking! you guys totally deserve to set your own holiday tradition and if they are not supportive of that, then too bad for them.
Zig and i do the great holiday switch off - its a 2 year schedule
Year 1) Thanksgiving his family, chrsitmas eve my family, christmas day his family.
then the opposite for year 2.
Is there any way you could ask them to coem to YOU for your new holiday tradition - combining two families?
House Renovations
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I am a gluten-free, gun-toting wife! :P
I love you, Daddy...2/24/1953 to 2/13/2011
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House Renovations
Married Bio
I am a gluten-free, gun-toting wife! :P
I love you, Daddy...2/24/1953 to 2/13/2011
duplicate
House Renovations
Married Bio
I am a gluten-free, gun-toting wife! :P
I love you, Daddy...2/24/1953 to 2/13/2011
duplicate
House Renovations
Married Bio
I am a gluten-free, gun-toting wife! :P
I love you, Daddy...2/24/1953 to 2/13/2011
duplicate
House Renovations
Married Bio
I am a gluten-free, gun-toting wife! :P
I love you, Daddy...2/24/1953 to 2/13/2011
duplicate
House Renovations
Married Bio
I am a gluten-free, gun-toting wife! :P
I love you, Daddy...2/24/1953 to 2/13/2011
duplicate
House Renovations
Married Bio
I am a gluten-free, gun-toting wife! :P
I love you, Daddy...2/24/1953 to 2/13/2011
duplicate
House Renovations
Married Bio
I am a gluten-free, gun-toting wife! :P
I love you, Daddy...2/24/1953 to 2/13/2011
You are not being selfish and you are stuck with one of the challenges of living far from family. I do not blame you for wanting to spend your first Christmas together at home. I am all for including family and spending time with them, but I also agree that now is the time to start your own traditions.
I think you need to stick to what you said about not going. You offered to do Thanksgiving, but now time is running out. You cannot just drop everything to travel down to family. Good luck!
Hey ladies,
Thanks so much for the advice and encouragement. It looks like we're headed down South for Thanksgiving but staying here for Xmas...now I guess I just have to hope to find a flight we can get on at the last minute! Or maybe I should hope the other way...
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