Family Matters
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SIL..hard to figure out...
I'm looking for advice.
My hubby and I have been married just over a year and my sister-in-law and I have zero relationship. She was a BM in my wedding, and we always hug and greet one another at family events, and we're facebook friends, but, we don't have any kind of relationship between us.
So, my question to all of you nesties is this: Are you friends with your SIL? Is it ok to NOT be close to her? Will time just eventually make us closer?
Why I'm asking: I'm new to all of the "IL" stuff and I want to make the very best relationships in life, and seeing she is my DH only sibling, I'd like to make sure that we're all one big happy (yeah, if that's possible!)
Thanks for any/all helpful feedback!
Cin
Re: SIL..hard to figure out...
When I first got married I thought I had to be close with all 3 of my SILs and I worked my asss off trying to do it. But as time went on I realized that we don't fit together personality wise. We're in totally different places in our lives and we enjoy very different things. I wouldn't be friends with them if I had the choice and that's ok.
I'm civil to them, say hello and small talk when I see them at family functions but other than that I'm now glad that I'm not trying to force a relationship or change who I am to fit in with them.
It's okay to not be close to your SIL. Just focus on being friendly and civil, you don't have to be best friends just because you married her brother.
It's perfectly fine tobe friends with your SIL there is no law saying you have to. I have two SILs and I have more of a relationship with the older one who is closer to my age than the one who is four years younger than me. They both were in our wedding I actually got along with both of them really well and then after the our wedding the younger one started to not like me.
As long as you two aren't fighting all the time or anything I really wouldnt worry about it. She has her own life and you have yours don't worry about it, you may get closer the longer you married and it may stay the same but it's not worth worrying about. There are a lot of people who can't stand being around their ILs at all so consider yourself lucky.
I was just thinking about this very subject earlier today. I also married about a year ago and my SIL and her hubby live very closeby to us, but we hardly see them. At first I thought we were going to become bestest buddies, but as time went on I realized that wasn't going to happen, and I felt rejected and hurt. My H talked to me about it, though, and he made me realize and understand that that's just how she is - she's what I call a "friend collector" in that she has a ton of "acquaintances," that she calls friends, but the truth is she doesn't have really any close friends at all. It's just how she is, he told me, and how she's always been. So that really clarified things for me and I got over my feelings of rejection and hurt pretty quickly.
Earlier today, she sent out an email to "us" but only using H's address. He forwarded it to me, 'cause it was clear that it was meant for us both, and although we have an "us" address and we've told family to use it when they're addressing both of us, it rarely happens from her. It'll happen from MIL/FIL and BIL and his wife, but never from her. I read that as passive aggressive behavior, and I hate PA behavior with a passion, but I'm trying to just ignore it and tell my H how I feel about it. He's totally cool with it and does see my POV quite well.
I think a lot of people talk about the "MIL problem" in re the issue that happens when a son marries and how the MIL might get jealous or possessive or controlling to maintain her stand in her son's life, but I think a lot of people either forget or ignore the somehow-related "SIL problem" which I think mirrors a lot of those same mechanisms, particularly if there's a close age gap or a close relationship prior to marriage. All of a sudden another woman, likely close to the sister's own age, comes into the picture and becomes the brother's "#1", and that can be hard on a sister, I'm going to assume. I'm also going to say that the "name thing" could be rough for her, particularly if she's married and changed her own name - suddenly this new woman (the H's wife) has her name and she doesn't anymore. I didn't have a problem with my brother's own wife, per se, 'cause 1) we live in different countries and 2) I was never really superclose to my brother. I don't love her to death, don't get me wrong, but it wasn't ever a real issue.
That said, I think you might want to consider the possibility that you'll never be superclose to your SIL. She's seeing you become a member of her family and might be acting a bit territorial or defensive. She might also be a "friend collector," or she might be jealous of you for some other reason. Or... you might not be her type of person that she looks for in a friend. Just 'cause you're related now doesn't mean that friendship will form instantly. It won't. And yes, it's fine to not be best friends with your SIL. Cordiality and politeness would be wonderful, and you might have to settle for those. It's just how it is.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thanks Ladies! I appreciate the feedback! I am grateful that she and I get along and that we both have my DH in common, but, I will just accept that perhaps she and I just don't "click" like you would with a friend. Maybe things will get better in time...but, maybe they'll stay the same...either way, it's OK.
Thanks again!
Cin
I like my SIL a lot, and when we're together, we enjoy each other's company and have some fun conversations.
That said, we don't hang out. She has her life and I have mine, and we're both busy people. I know what she's up to because she talks to DH, but that's about it. I don't call her just to chat, just like DH doesn't call my sisters just to chat.
You don't have to be best friends -- or instant "siblings" -- with your siblings-in-law. Send a card on their birthdays and be nice when you're together.
ETA: Think of it this way -- if you weren't married to her brother, would you be friends anyway? If not, don't sweat it and just be happy with a cordial relationship.
ditto here. both my SIL's are really stuck up.
Don't feel bad if you can't connect with your Sil. I will be getting married in May 2011, and one of my FH's SIL decided to announce to the family that she hates me, and that she has never liked me for the whole four years we have been together. She wouldn't speak to my FH because she invited him to her duaghter's birthday party but called to specificly tell him that me and our son were not welcome. He refused to go. That was months ago, and now she speaks to FH and our son but not me, which is ok. We just ignore each other as much as possible. Keeps the family "happy" and me and FH less stressed, which is honestly the most important thing.
I have never been close with my SIL (DH's sister). I have tried, many times, to get into conversation with her, and things peter out after a few awkward sentences. Since this has persisted past her moody teenage phase, and she seems to have some perfectly normal 'real' friends, I have come to the conclusion we are just very different people and polite conversation may be all I ever get.
The girl my brother is thinking of marrying...I have better hopes for her. She seems to be cut more along my family's mold.
How far away does she live? How close is your DH to his sister?
My husband has 2 younger sisters (though both are older than me). He's closer with the youngest one than the middle one, because they're more alike. But I wouldn't say he's super close to them. Also, we live on opposite ends of the country, so I haven't had much time to get to know them or go to lunch with them one-on-one. We see his family maybe twice a year. Plus, middle SIL is kind of... difficult. Almost bratty at times. H's sisters were readers in our wedding, which was a better fit than BMs, actually.
Anyway, some people are just not close and that's okay. You can't choose who you're related to. If your DH wants you to try to become closer to his sister, make the effort to go out to a movie or invite her to girls' night or something. If he doesn't care, that's fine.
Edit: My husband isn't close with my brother, either. He likes my brother a lot, but we live far away from him and my brother is 11 years younger than he is. So they'll never be best friends.
40/112
Thanks dolls for all the feedback
msmerymac: We live about 45 mins from my SIL. My hubby doesn't see a disconnect (he likes to live in his own private little perfect world). I really enjoy the time when we are all together, and I think I've come to terms with the fact that this is what it is..but, I'm remaining hopeful
Haha you girls should appreciate what you got instead of what I got, a SIL that took over my house by installing herself on my couch almost every day after getting off work! Plus weekends! Well, after convincing DH to drop some hints, she still didn't get it, so recently I sent her a (very polite) email explaining how practical and convenient it would be for everyone if she and my DH made plans in advance, and she fired off some nasty reply about how he is her brother and she has a right to see him whether I like it or not! ANy advice?
I love my SILs. I've been lucky for that. dh and his brother (married) are best friends and both are real close w/ their sister. Fortunately, the 3 of us girls get along really well. We don't call each other often, but do chat on fb or through emails/txt frequently. We even do a regular "sister's day" together.
Makes me sad. I'm closer to her than I am my own sister, sadly.
My brother is married and his wife and I are super close too. We used to talk every day on the phone, but lately our schedules don't match up well and we rarely get to chat
Give it time.
Getting back to it- my diet and exercise blog
Losing it...Without Losing it
First, to answer your questions: My SIL is a 17 year old walking hormonal time bomb. She doesn't understand the real world or make good choices and is unwilling to listen to anyone other than her friends (I'm not really judging - some of that just has to do with her age and maturity level).
I'm not close with her. There are just too many differences at this point. Maybe we'll grow closer, maybe not. Either way, it doesn't matter too much to me (though I will of course love having a good relationship with her if it does happen). What does matter is that we are polite to each other and still make an effort to be something more than just acquaintances when we see each other.
The main reason I don't worry about it - you don't have to be close to your own siblings (I'm not), so why should you have to be close to your DH's siblings? I have three brothers and not one of us is similar enough to have a strong relationship. I've run into that same issue with most of my ILs, and even though I try to better my relationships with them, I know I'll probably never think of them as much more than my husband's family. And there is nothing wrong with that.
I hear you loud and clear. I had to build my relationship with my SIL. She is my DH's only sibling. DH and I were together two years before we got married, and I only saw SIL a handful of times..She was one of my bridesmaids in our wedding..Luckily, after DH and I got married, she started coming around more because she never had a sister. I have a younger sister, and she gets along with my SIL splendidly. The three of us are very close, which is not what I had ever imagined, after reading horror stories about In-laws. I got lucky, my IL's are great!
I think another thing that helps my friendship/ relationship with my SIL is the fact that we are only 3 months apart in age and have a lot of the same hobbies and interests..
And on the reverse, my DH loves my brothers and sister too!
My SIL was a bridesmaid in my wedding because we wanted family to be involved. It was important to my husband to have her in the wedding and I love him so she was a bridesmaid. However, we were not really close at the time nor are we really close now.
My SIL and I are just very different people. Overall I find her to be fine and we get along just fine. At the beginning she was kind of emotionally agressive - wanting to be bffs after we had just met. At the same time she would get into flaming hot fights with nuclear family members who disagreed with her (any disagreement was treated as a disrespectful personal slight). So it was tough to get to know her at the beginning. Now she has calmed down, but she still tends to be rather dramatic and immature (in my opinion, particularly given her chronological age).
So, no, I am not close with my SIL and I think that is ok. Over time I think we will be more close, especially as she works through her own issues and relates better with people in general. I was not totally close to my BIL (sister's husband) automatically, but we very much get along now. I do not think big happy families occur overnight and getting married does not mean instant connections between new family members. It takes time.
The fact that you care and want to have good relations with inlaws is good. Keeping that attitude will help you to develop that big happy family you want.
I have five soon to be six SILs and I am only close with one of them. I am on good terms with all of them, but only do stuff with the one. Our families go on vacay together and we just get along really well.
I think if the SIL isn't someone you would be friends with anyway...don't try and force a friendship.