Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
SISTER in law.
i have a sister in law from hell. we got a long just fine before my husband and i got married. she's a little bitchy and moody - but nothing to big.
lets start with the background of what SHE says ruined our relationship:
but it was around the time we got engaged that we planned to go back to our home town (where she lives) to visit a friend for some drinks. my husband had told her we were coming down, but made no plans. she felt that we had lead her to believe we were hanging out when he ended up telling her we were going out for drinks with an old friend. (she has two young children) when she found out that we ended up going to the bar in Chile's restaurant, she FLIPPED. "i could have brought the kids. you told me yall were going to a BAR!"
so, fast forward to the next day, at her house because we felt bad for the miscommunication. we both apologized (for what we dont know, her inviting herself to something she wasn't invited to?) but she was upset. she gave us the cold shoulder at a family event and LOUDLY talked crap about us to others while looking over to see if we heard her.
when she called me a very foul name, i stood up and said, "okay, im going to go to my parents house."
and that is when she grabbed me and starting cussing me out and screaming. i did not say a word, i took her hands off of me and left. i ended up, some days later, calling her and apologizing and taking all the blame - just to be the bigger person and get it over and done with. it ended with her saying, "i dont forgive you, but i guess its ok."
ever since that incident we have been cordial, and i thought ok. but little fights and drama has been exploding ever since. from her cooking thanksgiving dinner and getting upset with me bringing some side dishes and saying "whitney brought food because apparently i cant cook."; to seeing a movie as a family that she said i forced her to go to and cussed me out in the theater when i asked her if she liked the movie; to purposely not inviting us to my nieces birthday party.
we are at the point in our relationship to where my husband had sat her down and told her to change her ways towards me (and the rest of the family) or we will not have a relationship with her anymore. she said, "whitney is taking over our family and pushing me away. im going to leave out of this state and never come back - i hope that is what she wants. i'll never have to see you again. i'm the victim - im so hurt - i cant apologize for being hurt."
question is - what do i do? when these things happen - i dont say much. i went from jumping through hoops to make her happy and accommodate to her - and i get called fake. i change it to not paying attention to her and living our life - and i get the 'pushing her out of the family' thing. i cant win with her. i cant apologize to her because after every fight we have - i always end up taking the blame just so that there is peace in the family and it doesnt resolve anything.
yes, i know, she has anger issues. she yells at her kids, she's selfish. she's even kept her mother (parents are divorced) from Christmas and gotten upset that we invited her.
should i apologize again? should i send her an email and state my side and get this ball rolling but not apologize? should i just live my life avoiding her - but have to deal with the awkwardness when i see her girls that i am very close to, christmas, etc? when im over there - she ignores me, rolls her eyes at me, and talks through me/ does those "did someone say something?" actions. i cant win.
Re: SISTER in law.
Don't apologize. She is looking for drama and attention, and you are giving it back to her.
Don't avoid her, but she is not your friend, she is your SIL, so don't go out of your way unless it is important to your husband. If something is important to your husband, then you can deal with her as a couple. Don't talk to her unless you literally bump into her. Be cordial, but she can't "ignore" you if you don't bend over backwards to acknowledge her. Just say "hi, sil" and then go get your glass of wine.
You KNOW you are not pushing her out of the family, so why do those comments bother you? Your husband is a grown man, and presumably he is allowed to have a relationship with his sister. He CHOOSES not to, because she is rude to his wife (a good reason!). It seems as if her drama pre-dates your relationship, so you know that YOU are not the cause of this. You are just her target. It could also be that when he was single, your H was willing to run around trying to make her happy, but he is either too mature or too busy to deal with her cr*p now.
Ugh. Preaching to the choir here.
You say your H told her that she has to change her ways or she won't get to have a relationship with you guys. Is he prepared to follow through?
Does the rest of H's family see how she's behaving? What do they think?
Is your relationship with her children important enough to you that it outweighs what she puts you through? Would you put up with her in order to maintain contact with her kids.
How does your H think you should proceed? He's know her longer than you have.
Stop apologizing! Don't take blame for things you did not do. Chili's could be seen as a misunderstanding, but after she attacked you?! No way. SIL obviously has issues. Do not try to please her or let her continue to walk all over you.
Normally I would say try to reason with her and let her know she is hurting you but in this case it is apparent that she is doing this on purpose. It sounds like your H has talked to her about her behavior but I think he needs to call her on it when it happens and don't let him make empty threats. Either don't threaten to cut her out of your lives or actually do it understanding that she will very likely will not let you see her children.
She called your H's bluff. Does he still want a relationship with her?
DO NOT APOLOGIZE to this woman. Really. It won't make any difference. She will find something else to be crazy about with you.
It is simple. DON'T have any relationship with her what so ever. Your H threatened her to not do this. She did it again. You 2 need to wash your hands of her. DONE.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
thank you guys for the responses! its made me think a lot!
nick (my husband) told her that we were going to be in our hometown because at that time, we always hung out when we went down. actually, now, still, everytime we go down to our hometown, we spend satuday with his family, and sunday with mine. she asked if we were going to be in town and he said yes. (without knowing the plans of our night, but he didnt tell her we'd hang with her.)
for a long time, nick didnt see my way with his sister. he kept saying "thats just her, you have to get used to it. she's always been a selfish ***." until the thanksgiving incident where it had gotten too far and he saw my side and changed. he sat her down and told her EVERYTHING that needed to be said. which, i appreciate and he really has been sensitive to my feelings on this situation. she has made amends with the rest of the family (she has done snide things to them as well) but has yet to do the same for me. (even though we've had plenty of chances for her to say something). i caught myself being petty when i kept hearing nick speak so highly of the family bonding going on at home and surprised that his sister followed through. i eventually asked, "well, im happy too.....im glad everyone is getting along...." and couldnt help but ask, "why not me?"
i ADORE those girls of hers. and nick doubles in admiration towards them. he has gone home to visit them with minimal speaking to his sister when he is there. (which is easy to do, all she does is study and keep to herself). our relationship with those girls is VITAL because they have a mother who either ignores them or screams at them. they dont have birthday parties with friends (just family), they dont go on play dates, they arent in any after school sports/dance/etc. it is usually us who takes them to the zoo, county fair, buys them souvenirs, etc. they are 6 and 8.
the rest of the family clearly sees how she treats me. anytime anything happens that she gets upset about - im the one to blame. its a running joke around the family. "i better clean that mess i made up, stacy is going to kill whitney". haha. they are very supportive and we all have a GREAT relationship.
nick is at the point where he is sickened and angered at his sister and wants nothing to do with her. which is alright with me - but the awkwardness, ignoring, stale air, when we are around each other. we do things as a family a lot. i make simple small talk - to her acting like she didnt hear me.
and i know, i know - im not at fault. everyone else loves me as much as i love them. those girls love me. she's crazy - but i cant help but feel guilt that all this inner turmoil in this family happened because of me. (whether it be indirectly or not)
I was kinda on her side about the Chili's misunderstanding, but everything else just sounds insane.
My thoughts are that she is jealous of you, because to be honest the family seems to like you better. (I may be wrong here, because I don't know you'r H's family.)
I wouldn't ever confront her on anything, but definitely don't try to make her feel threatened, either. Never talk bad about her to family, and try to include her in family things whenever possible.
Don't even try to make small talk w/ her. Your Dh has told her where he stands, and his family knows what she's like and probably are all just rolling their eyes at her.
So- from here on out, be polite and cordial, but leave it at that. Don't bother w/ small talk, don't try to be buddies w/ her. Be polite and cordial.
She creates drama? She yells at you? You and DH need to have very generic responses ready. "Sorry you feel that way". "You're allowed your opinion." "That's not the situation, but I'm not going to argue this w/ you" "Take your hands off me". "Goodbye".
Don't argue, don't defend. That only gives her more ammo. She yells to your DH "she's pushign me out of the family", his response should simply be "If that's how you feel, then so be it.". Period.
Anything else is only going to feed it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
WTF do YOU have to apologize for??? Nothing at all. She sounds like an entitled little attention hor crybaby. Don't bother with her. You don't need a relationship with this nutcase. Let it go. At least your H stood up to her in your defense. Good for him. Let the asscracker move out of state. Less drama for you to deal wtih.
And I'm still shaking my head over her inviting herself to have drinks with your friends then having a tantrum that you went to a restaurant where she could've brought her children. Ummm - most parents of young'uns that I know would KILL for a night out with just the adults once in awhile!!
Maybe I read it wrong, but I thought she said that SIL was not invited (so basically they always see her when in town, they tell her in advance they will be in town, then do not make plans with her for whatever reason...) because of her kids, then they went someplace where she could have brought her kids.
It stinks, but she's their mother. And as such, if you don't have a relationship with her, you don't have a relationship with her children.
If you want to have a relationship with her children, you're going to have to decide how much of her garbage you're willing to stomach. Because she knows how you and your DH value that relationship, she can and will use it as leverage to continue to treat you however she wants, knowing that you won't cut her off because you won't cut the girls off.