Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
FIL's jokes aren't funny...(kind of long)
Hi all! I?ve been lurking for a while, but this is my firstpost. Just wanted to get some insight ?
DH and I are from the same small town, so we have known eachother and each other?s families way before we dated through college. Since Iwent to a private high school, his dad always made comments about how I was a?snob,? but it was always in a ?haha, I?m-just-kidding-don?t-be-mad? sort ofway. Annoying, yes, but I never took it too seriously. When we got engaged, DH?sdad constantly made comments about how much the wedding was going to cost (itwasn?t his money, so I have no idea what his point was there) or how silly itwas to have a wedding (they eloped), etc. But everything was always in thejoking tone, so that if I ever got offended, I was taking things tooseriously. DH and I even confronted him once, where I cried and he essentiallylaughed about how he didn?t mean it.
Anyway, the most recent offense ? FIL called DH while wewere out for my birthday. I told DH to answer, since I figured it must beimportant if FIL was calling while he knew we were out. Essentially, he told DHthat someone had told him at work that they hadn?t received a thank you notefor their wedding gift and that they didn?t ?want to be forgotten.? (Now, Iknow that I am a little behind on the thank you notes, but I am working onfinishing them. Don?t guilt trip me on my BIRTHDAY.) Long story short, FIL calls to say this, but would not tell DH who this was so I could immediately send the note and keep usfrom looking like a$$es. DH asked multiple times, but FIL would not budge.
Am I crazy for thinking this man is just TRYING to find waysto be mean to me? Ugh, it?s getting really old.
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent J
Re: FIL's jokes aren't funny...(kind of long)
Your FIL's joking and the thank you notes are two separate issues... so stop trying to combine them.
You were married in JUNE! There is no excuse (short of death) why you haven't sent those thank you notes out yet. That is beyond rude. And if I was your FIL, I wouldn't tell you who it was either. Now you're FORCED (by embarrassment... and yes, you SHOULD be embarrassed) to send ALL of your thank you notes out so you make sure you get a thank you note out to the person who complained. The fact that you were planning on just sending ONE to appease the person who is annoyed and are now mad at FIL for not giving you the insight into who to appease... shows that you really don't get how tacky it is that you haven't gotten these thank you cards out (almost 5 months after your wedding).
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
Thanks for the reply. There have been a lot of contributing factors as to why the notes aren't done, but I agree with you. I am embarrassed.
Ditto Imoan.
For the rest, your FIL is a passive aggressive assshole. What he's doing is classic PA behavior. He makes a nasty comment attacking you, disguises it as a "joke", you get justifiably upset, and then you're the one that's wrong because he was "just joking", and you need to chill out and lighten up. Yes?
What does your H say about this? Because really, you have an H problem, not a FIL problem. You're not overreacting to be upset by his snide remarks, and your H needs to step in and intervene with his Dad.
"Dad, we don't like it when you make snide remarks to Tarheel. If you do it again, we will have to end our visit." Then Dad protests that it was just a joke, and your H response "Great, since it was just a joke, I'm sure it won't be difficult for you not to tease Tarheel, as it upsets the both of us."
Then if Dad makes a "joke", your H stands up and says "Dad, we told you we would have to leave if you treat Tarheel this way. Have a nice night." And then DO NOT discuss the topic further. If Dad calls to apologize and/or argue, do not argue with him.
H needs to say "Dad, we've told you it bothers us. It is not negotiable that you will not treat my wife this way. We don't want to have to limit our visits, but if you persist in this behavior we won't have any choice. If you would like to apologize to Tarheel and not speak to her like that again, we would love to come over for dinner on Sunday."
Wash, rinse, repeat.
the above sounds a little harsh...it would definitely get your point across but this to me sounds like a jovial kind of character who doesn't really think about how it can be percieved any other way but as a joke like he meant it.
I would say, "frankly FIL, I don't know how to take you, I know you are always joking, but within those jokes are insults...I try not to read into them but sometimes it's rather blatant. Can you tone it down?"
Considering the fact that she and her H have already confronted FIL once on this subject, and all he did was dismiss their feelings, that's not going to work. My "harsh" advice is the next step.
First of all, your husband should be writing thank you notes, too. It's not solely your responsibility.
As to your problems with your FIL, you've both told him how his comments make you feel and asked him politely to knock it off. He clearly doesn't care how you feel, so it's time to start limiting your contact with him and stop sharing the details of your lives with him.
I'm inclined to cut you some slack on the thank you cards. Right after I got married I moved and had to unpack my house as well as job hunt and learn a new car and town... things were a little disorganized. That and presents kept coming. Plus I don't know about you, but a few hundred thanks is a lot even when they're split between you and your H. Flame away.
What other people have said concerning your FIL is perfect.
This is a crappy excuse. Don't tell me in that time that you couldn't cut out 2 or 3 hours (which watching tv or something) to write thank you cards. And unless you had 600 guests invited to your wedding, it wasn't a few hundred cards that you needed to write. It's usually one present per couple, not per guest. I also packed, moved, went on a 2 week honeymoon, got used to a town about 30 miles from my last town, etc. I still managed to find the time. And I'm the world's biggest procrastinator.
People buy you presents, you find the time to write a thank you in a timely manner. And saying that other gifts kept coming is another flimsy excuse. Is there some sort of law that keeps you from being able to write thank you notes until ALL of the gifts you will potentially received are delivered?
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
I agree FIL is a passive agressive a$$ who needs his shiot taken down. You need to put him in his place next time he makes a dickish comment and your H should be the one to do it, but if not jump right on it!
As far as the thank you cards...there is NO excuse for being rude. In 5 months there is no way you havent had a total of a few hours you could have written cards...none. I guess if they were a priority to you your FIL wouldnt have to disturb your bd dinner!
FIL is a jerk. It sounds like he feels insecure about a socioeconomic difference he sees between your family and his and can't stop making these stupid remarks. I get the sense that your H is pretty good at standing up to him about it but I do think you/your H need to be a bit more clear when the FIL says something next time. He has probably been doing this kind of stuff for years without getting called on it so your H will need to stand up to him and make it clear to him that it needs to stop.
The thank yous--I agree that you should not be bothered that FIL would not tell you who it was, because you MUST get them all done. Seriously. I did a few a night while I was watching TV and it was painless and done within two weeks of my wedding. And I did go on a honeymoon.
I have gone to a couple of weddings/baby showers where I gave a gift but never got a thank you card. I am still a little annoyed about that. I don't give the people attitude when I see them because I realize there are other more important things in life but I have not forgotten their lack of manners. In the case of a wedding, this reflects on the family. It shouldn't but it kind of does, and you can bet people are going to be commenting to your family and your H's family. GET THEM DONE!
I probably had 130 thank you cards to send out and I finished them within 2 weeks after the honeymoon. I brought about 20 to work each day, wrote them out on my lunch break, took them home and had H sign them (and he wrote out the ones to his family) and they were mailed within 2 weeks. Get going on them ASAP!!! Five months is way too long - and whoever it was on the knot that said it was ok to take up to a year to send them is full of schitt IMO!!
As for FIL - H needs to tell him to stop next time he insults you. If he says "it's just a joke," H needs to tell him it's not funny.
definitely split the TYs with your DH. it's his responsibility as well, and it will help you guys get through them sooner.
otherwise, your FILs being (at the very least) passive aggressive, and your DH needs to tell him to knock it off. i would wait until the next time something happens, and then call him on it immediately.
honestly, your FIL sounds a lot like my MIL. she used to make a lot of "joking" snide judgmental comments, until DH told her to knock it off. she swore up and down that she "didn't mean" anything by it, but she definitely toned it down after the conversation.
That is a commonly misconstrued rule. The recipient does not have a year to get out a thank you card... the rule is that the GIVER has up until a year after the wedding to give the recipient a gift. I think someone who was lazy and rude decided to co-opt the giver rule for themselves and a lot of people ended up buying into it.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
If I gave you a gift I would be pi$$ed right now. Honestly, very few of your guests care what your circumstances are. They just see you as rude. I had more than could be imagined going on before, during, and after my wedding and still managed to send out 300 thank you cards before a month had passed. There are no excuses for ungratefulness.Regardless, I got our cards out (with H's help - yay to the PP who said that it shouldn't all be on you) within maybe three months of our wedding. Or so. I'm not sure on that but it was around there. We had a list of all the gifts we got and we referenced the gift in our cards, and we got a few compliments back, too.
People buy you something, they want to hear that you got it and that you liked it. Send the cards already!! It's almost the weekend - take out a few hours, make some coffee and sit with your H and get them done. Seriously - it'll be a huge relief and probably less work than you're anticipating right now.
I know that the thank you notes are not the main issue, but I have to agree with the other ladies about the thank you notes. I have always stuck by the 2-week rule. I read that somewhere and have adhered to it. We all have busy schedules but if someone is going to take the time to get you a gift or give you money, you definitely need to acknowledge that.
Why are you putting so much energy into what this man is saying? I hope that there is something more offensive than his jokes about you being a snob, which you could simply say, "why, thank you. and, I am proud of it". And, as far as him saying how silly it is to have a wedding, you could say, "probably, but I really want to celebrate our marriage with friends and family".
Some people are just like that. He is your FIL. He will be around a while and, chances are, he is never going to change. I think that the best thing to do is play him at his own game because eventually he will find that it isn't fun anymore because he can't get a rise out of you.
I won't touch on the TY notes - I think PP's have made their points and you get the idea on that...
As for your FIL, I agree with gmccc.
Both my FIL and my own father can be PA. I find what works best with each is two different approaches. With my FIL, I just act politely back, not even hinting that his joke may have bothered me. For instance, he will refer to me sometimes as 'princess' or make snide comments that I control DH. I will respond with something sharp like, "Princess, huh? Well, thank you - I have never considered myself to be royalty!" or on the comments about me controlling DH's decisions or manipulating him I will respond, "Wow, I must be pretty powerful!" I think by me showing him that he won't get a rise out of me, it frustrates him.
As for my own father, I can be a little more vocal with him. I just give him a dose of his own medicine and if he makes a comment or "joke" that I don't like, I make one right back. For instance, if he says something like, "Gees, you & DH have so many lights on in the house, you'd think you have stock in Duquesne Light." I will just respond with something quick like, "Well, last time I checked, DH and I were the ones to write out the check - not you."
Bottomline is sometimes that's how a person is and you can't change them and sometimes outwardly saying, "This offends me when you say _____" .... or "I don't appreciate your attitude towards me or DH" doesn't always cut it. Often people like that don't see it, even when you bring it to their attention. So, in the longrun for you & DH it may be better to 'adjust' how you respond to it.
Went to a wedding last November and one this July...no thank you cards from either...just rude!
Your FIL is trying to keep YOU from looking like an @$$hole, send your thank-yous.
He's passive aggressive or not comfortable with what he may perceive as a difference in social position between you and him. I wouldn't take it, but your DH should handle it.
First off...shame on the folks who have posted on here totally being rude about you not sending out thank you notes...this is your business and everyone's lives are different with their own circumstances...regardless of what they might have been doing at the time after their wedding, they don't know what you are doing.
Now..the true matter of your post re: your FIL. He is rude. Maybe he doesn't know how to have a relationship with you yet, maybe he was born that way, or maybe that's his way of trying to give attention...whatever the reason, DON'T EVER CRY in front of him again girl. I believe honesty is the best policy. The next time he tries to get a dig on you, call him out on it, and say " Now, why would you say a thing like that? It's hurtful and rude, and frankly I don't have to listen to it". If he's a man, he'll learn from it and stop, if he's a coward, he'll ignore...laugh...and keep doing it. If he doesn't learn from it, keep your distance and don't give him any amo!
Good luck girlie, hope it gets better!