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Obligated to our parents and/or IL?s, emotionally and/or financially?
I?ve posted a few times in the past about my ILs, but my MIL?s comment over the weekend has me contemplating how obligated we are (if, at all) to our parents and/or IL?s, emotionally and/or financially?
To try and make a long story short, my ILs never had a great marriage ? FIL had an affair way back when and they pretty much stayed together for the kids ? my DH and BIL. In the whole time I?ve know them I?ve never seen the happy together. It?s actually really quite sad. I get frustrated by their behavior sometimes because they refuse to do anything about their situation (therapy, etc.) and they look to others to fill that void in their life, in particular my MIL. They have made some pretty poor financial/career decisions and in the past few years have even dipped into their retirement savings (they?re in their mid 50?s). I believe they can?t afford to separate/divorce.
Anyway, their behavior has become increasing upsetting to me since the birth of our son a year ago. While I believe some of their behavior is attributed to the fact that they are excited new grandparents, I also believe (without getting into too many details) that they use their grandchild as a means to escape their reality. Even worse, the responsibility previously put onto my DH and BIL to make them happy, seems to have moved onto our son.
In any event, my MIL is the primary caretaker for her parents (DH?s grandparents) who are getting up there in age. We had people over for my DS?s birthday and my future SIL noted to my MIL that ?she would be lost without them? and ?what would she do after (they pass)? to which my MIL replied ?move in with my grandbaby?? meaning us! While I think she was sort of joking, I think she threw that out as a ?feeler? to see what we would say. My intial reaction is ?hell no? but I wonder if that?s wrong? Their financial situation and marriage is really not any of our business, but when I hear comments like that, I have to wonder what their expectations are? Do we owe them? Are we responsible to help them? Just curious to see what your thoughts are or if anyone is in this situation?
Re: Obligated to our parents and/or IL?s, emotionally and/or financially?
When I think of my parents or my IL's, neither DH or I would let them end up on the street.
BUT - there is a balance in there somewhere between making sure they are taken care of while also not drastically hurting ourselves financially.
Even yesterday, DH's father talked to DH about his mom. Long story short- FIL expressed concern about what if he died, what would happen to MIL? She is pretty depressed and is totally dependant on hiim now. DH was like "If something were to happen to you, we'd take her in or find an assisted living home for her".
And... we would do what we could manage to do for her. But at the same time, if she's totally dependant on FIL, DH knows that bringing her into our home would be totally unrealistic because it would fall on ME 2/3's of the time to "take care of her" and as I have a young child to take care of... she isn't going to be the priority in the equation.
It's hard, though. We want to help our parents, but I hate the idea of doing it out of "obligation". I want to do it because it's what feels right to me.
Talk to your DH about this, though. Get on the same page now. because there will come a time where her parents wont' be there anymore and she might actually more seriously want to move in w/ you all. You HAVE to discuss this now and get on the same page. It shouldn't be a given - especially if she's physically capable of taking care of herself!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think you're going to get some pretty diverse answers to this question.
I don't think kids are obligated to help their parents. There are many different kinds of parents out there, and I can't say that children of terrible parents are just as "obligated" to help their parents and children of awesome parents.
However, I think that most people who have good relationships with their parents want to see them as healthy and happy as they can be. I think this moves a lot of people to offer assistance to their parents in different ways. Some help them plan for retirement. Some offer some financial assistance. Some invite their parents into their home. In extreme cases, some even have power of attorney over their parents.
If having your in-laws someday move in with you is not going to work for you, that's fine. But you and your husband need to talk about this NOW. You could use the fact that your MIL brought this up as a great conversation starter. If they're in as much trouble as you're saying they are, your husband and his siblings (not you) need to be up front with their parents and find out just what their expectations are. Don't wait until you're in the situation have the conversation. Be proactive.
What does you H think of all of this?
We would do what we can to keep our parents from ending up on the streets, but beyond that, we don't feel "obligated" or compelled to make up for anybody's poor planning or decision making, especially if we're talking about people who refuse to do anything to improve their own situation. Just because your MIL wants an "out" after her parents pass does not mean you're obligated to be the out.
My 2 SILs and BIL always say that when it comes to that point, MIL and FIL will live with us b/c DH stayed home the longest. I told DH that he can choose to live with MIL or me but under the same roof is NOT an option and NOT up for discussion.
Granted, my MIL and I have a toxic relationship, and I believe that her goal in life is to torture people.
Talk with your DH and make sure he knows how you feel. It will help when her "little comments" get more frequent and more serious in tone.
Unfortunately, you are not going to get an unbiased opinion here. Neither myself or DH are close with our parents. That said, we are not going to go out of our way to help them with moral support nor financial support if they should fail to make good life choices.
I don't know how I would feel and if I would feel differently depending on different circumstances of our relationships w/our parents.
I am not a cold-hearted human being and do believe under extreme measures such as a sudden health issue, the scenario of course would be different. However, if a person is well and capable of working, there is no reason that they need to combine residents w/their children. That can't be comfortable for anyone involved.